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Original poster

£320 for hen night.. I'm not even invited to the wedding

258 replies

mrsoodles · 20/02/2023 00:16

Ok so..

I said I would go to the hen night, figured it'd cost in/around £150 and tbh was quite looking forward to a facial/massage.

But..

£320?

Absolutely not. How do I word the text that I'm not going? I'm definitely not going.

Problem is, the bride and family know I can afford it. I don't even want to go to the wedding either. I literally just don't want to pay £320 for something I'm not overly fussed on.

Help dear MNers

OP posts:
WFHbore2023 · 20/02/2023 11:33

Right, so maybe £400 mark, ish?
In the UK?.

@Maireas yeah, a bit more when you factor in the shopping that I chose to do whilst away.
Just done a little maths and I've say it cost me £45 max to cover the bride

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 20/02/2023 11:36

mrsoodles · 20/02/2023 09:06

Oh yes. It absolutely appears to be covering the cost of the bride.

I wish the party well and hope they have a lovely evening. I suppose I am tying myself up in knots to appear polite to someone who is being unspeakably rude.

I'm just not sure how to response will be met, I hear the bride has entered her unreasonable stage Hmm and the last thing I want is a row. I wish her all the very best, she is lovely.

So 'Friends' style:
'Sorry I won't be at the hen. I could come but don't want to.'
Wouldn't work?

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 20/02/2023 11:41

You could send a good-will contribution to help cover the bride's costs along with your deeply-felt apology?

Guis · 20/02/2023 11:45

She has offended by making assumptions people are happy to shell out for what is her celebration. I assume she hasn't checked beforehand what people wanted price wise or anything else.

Sadly, the undertone to this is 'it is a one off' or ' if they love me they will come'. And also I think people get carried away wanting to have the best time. So assume it will be alright. Being a bride doesn't give her licence to be rude and ride roughshod over being considerate.

The way hen parties have become larger and costly is just a bit excluding too.
Sometimes the best solution is honesty. You were really only looking forward to the treatment. But not spending time with others who you don't know who you say are combative. So you don't want to go. If you really cannot stand the thought of going you have to say so and ride the backlash that will follow.

Say you really hope she won't be mortally offended but it is far more than you were expecting to spend. You hope she has a great time. You see it more as a family gathering like the wedding is.
And you don't really know many of the other guests at all. If you are being asked to share a room with someone you don't know or even with someone you do, explain you don't feel comfortable with that.

If the people in her family aren't 'your type' and you anticipate you will find them a bit grim you can choose to make the best of it for the sake of your friend and grin and bear it. They might surprise you and they might not be so awful as you imagine.

2bazookas · 20/02/2023 11:47

"Sorry, I will be away at that time so can't come. Have fun!"

That's all you need say. If pressed for details of when/why/where you're going reply " It's some private/confidential family/work/medical stuff ".

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/02/2023 11:47

Naunet · 20/02/2023 10:48

I don’t know if it’s just me, but there’s something really cheeky about expecting people to still cover the cost of the hen for her, when she’s not even inviting them to the wedding. Why should other people pay for her room and treatments (assuming that’s what part of the £350 covers)?

Agree. She already has the good fortune of (presumably) being in love and about to be launching an exciting new part of her life. Why does she need to be plied with additional treats and fetes??

It's absurd. Usually the fortunate are the ones extending the largess, not raking it in.

Holyguacamollie · 20/02/2023 11:52

I would just say I'm not going to be able to make it now but hope it goes well and you enjoy the wedding too.

rexythedinosaur · 20/02/2023 12:05

mrsoodles · 20/02/2023 00:24

Small wedding.. just immediate family

"Hi, I've just realised that I'll not be able to make the hen night. Sorry! X"

Does that cut it? 🤨

Why wouldn't you just tell the truth that it's over your budget?

£320 is a ridiculous amount to expect people to pay for a one night hen do, unless they are all super wealthy.

AdoraBell · 20/02/2023 12:09

I second saying it’s way over your budget, hope they have a lovely time.

MaggieFS · 20/02/2023 12:14

Just because they have an inkling of your financial situation, doesn't mean it's for them to choose what you spend your money on.

"I'm sorry it's beyond my budget" should suffice because it's no one else's business what you choose to save your money for or spend it on.

Personally, now I have kids and less disposable income, my budget for spending on things I don't want to do is precisely £0.

Jumbojade · 20/02/2023 12:24

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/02/2023 03:25

No, it is tacky to mention the cost. Just say you're unable to attend and wish them the best.

Seriously? 🤔 Tacky to mention the cost!🙄 Why lie?
I call a spade a spade, you obviously call it a superior digging implement don’t!

user1471538283 · 20/02/2023 12:24

Dear god these just get worse! Even if you can afford it that is such a lot of money! I'm betting some of the others cannot afford it either.

I didn't go to my friend's hen party because I just couldn't afford it. She also had a night out in our home city that I did go to. I know it wasn't popular with the others.

What happened to just a nice day or evening out that is within everyone's budget?

I think your response is perfect.

CornishGem1975 · 20/02/2023 12:25

I said yes to a hen do which was a bottomless brunch, fine. Then it became a bottomless brunch + a private pod for drinks somewhere else (£80 charge for the pod), then dinner, then cocktails...and then we should all pay for the bride. At which point I backed out.

FrenchandSaunders · 20/02/2023 12:27

@elliejjtiny perfect, no fuss or drama

Stopsnowing · 20/02/2023 12:32

I had similar and just said, sorry I can’t afford it.

WickedStepmomNOT · 20/02/2023 12:32

mrsoodles · 20/02/2023 08:51

No. Food and drinks extra - I assume the price is to reflect the Saturday night.

Of the entire group, I only know my cousin and auntie, they're bringing their own friends too - so I'm also v reluctant with the cost as it feels like an awful lot of money to spend on something I simply just don't want to attend with people I don't know.

Look I'm a nice person, I don't want any rows (their close family can be a bit.. combative) - but I've a husband, young kids and just would rather not.

Then thats your get out - just say you didn't realise its an overnight, don't want to leave young DC and DH.

SpringIntoChaos · 20/02/2023 12:45

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 20/02/2023 11:41

You could send a good-will contribution to help cover the bride's costs along with your deeply-felt apology?

Seriously?? Why the hell should she?? What is wrong with people who can't simply decline an invitation? The OP literally has no need to send a 'good-will' gesture! She's not even been invited to the wedding ffs! 🤦‍♀️ The bride won't even notice that she's not there...apart from the fact that the price per person will go up of course, which is really why more people are invited to these types of events, let's be honest!

Teatime55 · 20/02/2023 12:45

I’ve been to loads of hen dos when I didn’t go to the wedding. But that’s because it was a night out somewhere and maybe a meal.

My friend had a tiny wedding somewhere really expensive and didn’t invite hardly anyone. Hen do was about 10 of us, only 2 invited to the wedding. 7 of us only went to the meal and refused to go to the daytime spa thing. Apparently there was lots of complaining because the cost was reduced the more who went so it ended up being really expensive for them. Do I care? No. Why should I spend my money to make something cheaper for someone else.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 20/02/2023 12:49

Offer to bring the kids (including the feral toddler) with you as DH has to go out that day! Smile

Bollindger · 20/02/2023 12:58

Just send this.
Hi Bride.
Hope you enjoy your hen night unfortunately an emergency in the family means I have to decline. Have fun.

Then just say it is private info your not allowed to talk about. Repeat as needed.

Sunriseinwonderland · 20/02/2023 13:04

As I said on another post these hens and stags are absolutely absurd now. There is no way I'm ever spending that kind of cash on a hen or stag even if I was a millionaire.
In my day we went on a pub crawl and got very pissed for one night only and that was it.

Whitney168 · 20/02/2023 13:04

I'm guessing from some of these replies that I'd have to temper my gut reaction of 'Jaysus, I wasn't fancying the 3-star hotel to start with, but at that price for one night and a mini-massacre, I'm out ...'. 😂

Maireas · 20/02/2023 13:08

"mini massacre" 😂😂

Maireas · 20/02/2023 13:11

Bollindger · 20/02/2023 12:58

Just send this.
Hi Bride.
Hope you enjoy your hen night unfortunately an emergency in the family means I have to decline. Have fun.

Then just say it is private info your not allowed to talk about. Repeat as needed.

One tiny problem - the bride is a cousin, the mum an aunt. Couldn't really use that excuse. Declining politely is fine.

2bazookas · 20/02/2023 13:12

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 20/02/2023 11:41

You could send a good-will contribution to help cover the bride's costs along with your deeply-felt apology?

I thought buying absolution went out hundreds of years ago.

Maybe she could just flagellate herself instead?

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