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Original poster

£320 for hen night.. I'm not even invited to the wedding

258 replies

mrsoodles · 20/02/2023 00:16

Ok so..

I said I would go to the hen night, figured it'd cost in/around £150 and tbh was quite looking forward to a facial/massage.

But..

£320?

Absolutely not. How do I word the text that I'm not going? I'm definitely not going.

Problem is, the bride and family know I can afford it. I don't even want to go to the wedding either. I literally just don't want to pay £320 for something I'm not overly fussed on.

Help dear MNers

OP posts:
Wecanallmakeadifference · 21/02/2023 14:07

Agree with your last post OP
It is a lot of money to spend on a day with a lot of strangers when you’re not even going to the wedding
Maybe the bride thinks she should invite people as they’re not invited to the wedding, maybe it’s best intentions
But, personally, I wouldn’t go as 1. Not best friends and 2. Expensive.

YANBU
just thank her for the invite but say you can’t make it

I know this is going to sound vicious and I’m guessing I’ll get a lot of MNs criticism but wonder if this is a way of getting lots of wedding presents that they won’t be getting as it’s a small wedding…… wow….that’s so bitchy of me to think that

Englishash · 21/02/2023 17:56

Book a spa day within your expected spend for you and a friend. Groupon? Then say 'sorry! But I'm already committed that day!" You get your spa day and you're not telling lies.

mediumbrownmug · 21/02/2023 18:20

Just say that you’re unable to make it after all, but wish them happiness and a great time. As other posters have pointed out: your money is none of their business; their emotions should not dictate your financial decisions; and any tantrums they may or may not choose to have are not your problem.

If your mom brings it up, you don’t have to engage or explain beyond saying, “Mom, I’d rather not talk about this,” and then change the subject. Boundaries aren’t rude, any more than making an unexpected outlay simply to please others is polite.

finished31 · 21/02/2023 18:21

Your just the taxi for 4 of them sadly.

If Aunty gets shitty then challenge her with your not even invited to the wedding.

Are some of these people non glue.

mediumbrownmug · 21/02/2023 18:24

Meant to add, if they ask why (which would be rude on their part), just say something’s come up and wish them well.

If they get angry, just disengage. An angry text or email is hardly a royal summons. You don’t have to read it or reply, or explain yourself further.

ruthgordon123 · 21/02/2023 18:44

If they know you can afford it, that's why they invited you. These people sound awful. Good enough to pay for the hen night but not good enough for the wedding. The night before just text and say you have the malaise. Why are not invited to the wedding?

Shelby2010 · 21/02/2023 18:47

I would be checking the hotel website prices & maybe even phoning them to see what deals they do for parties. I’d be annoyed if I was asked to pay more than my share because they thought I could afford it.

raguragu · 21/02/2023 18:53

Oh maybe it's the insta pics shes after with a big group!

Maybe the cost also covers a robe with your name embroidered on the back or even worse "Lisa's Hen 23"

Passenger42 · 21/02/2023 19:02

Can you use work as an excuse, you have to go in for a reason?
or my child has a sports event so you need to attend,
or hospital appt that you been waiting on if flying out on a Friday..
oops my passport has expired and you cannot renew in time..
really sorry I cannot attend, our boiler has packed up and I need to replace so funds tight this month ..

Sparkleshine21 · 21/02/2023 19:02

I’d probably be honest and say, it’s too much money to spend when we aren’t invited to the wedding. It’s not as if they can argue with that.

Mandyjack · 21/02/2023 19:06

How do they know your finances?
It you aren't invited to the wedding don't bother. Just message the bride or her MOH & send your apologies

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 21/02/2023 19:17

My 10 cents worth suggested reply :

Thanks so much for inviting me to your hen celebrations. Unfortunately I can't make it but wish you all a great weekend.

Then, if someone comes back demanding further explanation, just come back on mumsnet and we'll give you a selection of next lines 😁

I'm with those who think it's a liberty to expect people not even invited to the wedding stump up so much.

Justbefair · 21/02/2023 19:18

So sorry I can't make the hen night (no explanation needed) but would love to take you out for brunch/meal/drink to celebrate with you. Let me know best date for you hun. Xxx

???

ICanFeelItComingInTheAirTonight · 21/02/2023 19:33

I was recently in the same position- the MOH is v well off, but the rest of the hens are all on MW. The MOH organised a HD in a city close to her and wanted £600 for 1 night in this city, plus the same in a full itinerary! Luckily I live close to the city, so after failed attempts of trying to rein her in, (and not going to lie, I and the rest of the hens made our own group to talk about it) I was unofficial spokesperson and told her straight- this is ALL I can afford, I can do 3 of the days activities, and then I am going home. The rest of the hens followed suit, and she backed down. Now, I'm not suggesting mutiny, but honestly, in this day and age of cost of living crisis, if you can't afford it, tell her straight x

TiaraBoo · 21/02/2023 19:39

I would say, it’s over double what I was expecting. I’ll have to drop out.

Preferably on a group chat so others can drop out due to cost too rather than make up excuses. Especially if the brides share is to be covered- that’s really unfair to everyone trying to budget.

Bernardo1 · 21/02/2023 19:40

Pretty sure at least one of the inner circle is on mum's net, and interested in this topic. With details already given, they know your position.

Missingpop · 21/02/2023 19:51

Oh love I wonder if we are on the same hen I’ve just been stung for one the same amount I almost fell off me perch; it’s way out of my price range but because of who it is I have to go; so I’ve coughed up & now I’ve got an email we have to wear formal evening wear on one of the nights so now I’ve got to buy new clothes it’s costing me a small fortune but I’ve got to go & it’s going to be full of pretentious size eight bimbos, all tits; fake tan & extensions

Upsidedownagain · 21/02/2023 20:02

There used to be a saying - never apologise and never explain. Maybe some kind of 'sorry' is needed here, but avoid the explanation. Just something like - thank you so much for the invite but unfortunately I won't be able to make it. I hope you have an amazing time.

Let her draw her own conclusions. I guess the generally obvious reason is that someone doesn't want to. As you say, if you make it about cost, it could easily backfire.

WFHbore2023 · 21/02/2023 20:13

Bernardo1 · 21/02/2023 19:40

Pretty sure at least one of the inner circle is on mum's net, and interested in this topic. With details already given, they know your position.

👀

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/02/2023 21:27

I'm a big fan of the phrase (and I do use it) "I can afford it. But I'm not willing to pay it".

Ukrainebaby23 · 21/02/2023 22:16

noodlezoodle · 20/02/2023 01:17

Instead of saying you can't afford it, I'm a fan of 'it's not in the budget at the moment', because it's hard for people to argue with you!

Yes, I use similar terminology, it's my way of saying, 'I may or may not be able to afford it, but I've other things I'd like to prioritise'.

Cate0101 · 22/02/2023 00:04

You are allowed to say NO. There ..

Jimblob · 22/02/2023 01:20

Sounds like you’re being invited just so you can drive them there.

320 for a dump of a “hotel” and a mini treatment is hilarious.

I’d be honest and say, “I’d rather shove a rusty grenade up my chuff and pull the pin, than piss £320 up the wall on a hen do for you. Find some other mug you two bit selfish whore.”

Lolaiscute · 22/02/2023 04:55

fatherfintanstack · 20/02/2023 00:26

I'd just be straight up:

'thanks for inviting me to the hen party. Plans look great but I'm afraid it's rather more than I was expecting to spend so i won't be able to join you. I hope you have a wonderful day and wedding though and look forward to catching up soon!'.

That way you're not claiming you can't afford it but telling the truth in a nice way. It is a lot of money and I'm guessing they're not someone extremely close if you're not invited to the wedding so they shouldn't take it personally.

To me this is perfect. Polite and honest. It doesn’t matter how much money you have- it’s still too expensive for you as you have stated and it’s up to you how you spend your money.

T1Dmama · 22/02/2023 06:05

Why are you ‘expected to drive?’

I feel cross for you that anything you say will be met with your aunt quizzing your mum….

Unless you’re REALLY wealthy, why would they not believe it’s not in your budget? They don’t know what else you have going on financially?

I would just simply message and say

‘I’m really sorry but I’ve decided not to come to the hen do, it’s much more costly than I expected it to be, and I’d need to add other expenses in also like food, drink and fuel. I am sorry but as it’s likely to be in the region of £500 I simply can’t justify that and as husband and I would really like to have a holiday this year that money will go a long way towards booking something the whole family can benefit from.

Then tell your mum that is her sister ‘quizzes’ her about your reasons, your mum should have her responses ready… just a simple ‘Well it’s a long way and a lot of money for one night away with lots of people she doesn’t know isn’t it?! Will do as a response from your mother.

In fact your response to the invite could simply just be ‘I’m very sorry but I’m not going to come,’ if pushed just state ‘I won’t know anyone there, it’s a lot of money, a lot of driving and I’m sorry but I just don’t want to come.