Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

£320 for hen night.. I'm not even invited to the wedding

258 replies

mrsoodles · 20/02/2023 00:16

Ok so..

I said I would go to the hen night, figured it'd cost in/around £150 and tbh was quite looking forward to a facial/massage.

But..

£320?

Absolutely not. How do I word the text that I'm not going? I'm definitely not going.

Problem is, the bride and family know I can afford it. I don't even want to go to the wedding either. I literally just don't want to pay £320 for something I'm not overly fussed on.

Help dear MNers

OP posts:
Sadlifter · 20/02/2023 09:58

Openskeptic · 20/02/2023 09:57

I’m going to go against the majority view here. If you don’t go do you envisage forfeiting a certainty amount of family goodwill? If that’s going to be long term, you might find yourself with a goodwill deficit long after you would have stopped caring about the money.

I agree with you. Definitely something to bear in mind.

billy1966 · 20/02/2023 09:58

Don't be too apologetic.

That gives unreasonable people an in.

Cant make it and wish you the best.

Tell your mother its nothing to do with her or your aunt.

You have young children , for goodness sake use them.

It doesn't suit you.

I agree with you about weddings...

Fraaahnces · 20/02/2023 09:59

You are absolutely covering the cost of the bride. Bloody cheek. I would send a quick text stating that with the cost of babysitting, food, transport, etc, it is a lot more than you were budgeting for. You have a lot going on at the moment and you hope she has a lovely time.

rookiemere · 20/02/2023 10:00

Family goodwill be dammed. I wouldn't be paying £320 to stay at a 3 star when I normally stay 4/5 star for much less. Plus she's not even invited to the wedding so I'd throw that one right back at them if it were raised - and I'm normally a very placid people pleaser.

Var57 · 20/02/2023 10:01

'Let me think about that, and I'll get back to you'. and when pushed for an answer
'Sorry, that doesn't work for me' (add fluff about enjoying themselves). Then repeat the last phrase if required.

I saw this suggested somewhere else and don't know how it works in real life, but it seems quite neutral.

NeedToChangeName · 20/02/2023 10:03

"I wish I could, but I don't want to", said Phoebe in Friends

Arrrrrrragghhh · 20/02/2023 10:05

Its poor value for you regardless of budget. Obviously you can’t say this though.

Why don’t you tell them you aren’t going but give them an extra amount of dosh towards the brides evening. Buy your way out.

PrinceHaz · 20/02/2023 10:07

Var57 · 20/02/2023 10:01

'Let me think about that, and I'll get back to you'. and when pushed for an answer
'Sorry, that doesn't work for me' (add fluff about enjoying themselves). Then repeat the last phrase if required.

I saw this suggested somewhere else and don't know how it works in real life, but it seems quite neutral.

The let me think about that part sounds a bit cocky, but I’d definitely use the ‘I’ll get back to you.” Once I know if I can make it or not. That would work well as it implies you might not be able to make it so when you say you can’t it doesn’t come as a total surprise.
Keep neutral, keep mildly pleasant and don’t go into any detail. Don’t mention money. If she’s CF enough t’ charge you that much she’s not going to behave very well about your reasoning.

Maireas · 20/02/2023 10:07

Is your mum invited to the wedding?.

whatchaos · 20/02/2023 10:08

Climbles · 20/02/2023 09:54

I think the wording of this is perfect. ‘Can’t justify’ is exactly the situation. I might be tempted to add in something like ‘can’t justify £500 from the family budget’.
you shouldn’t bother worrying too much about being rude. They have been very rude by not inviting you to the wedding but expecting you to pay for the brides hen.

Show quote history

Why would you not worry about being rude? For the sake of family peace, you don't need to mention the money

rookiemere · 20/02/2023 10:08

Please don't prevaricate. There's some poor sucker at the middle who has given their cc or handed over a deposit. If you're not going say so as soon as possible .

whatchaos · 20/02/2023 10:10

Wexone · 20/02/2023 09:21

For the record my hen party cost 350e per person- that covered hotel, breakfast, show, dinner and one round of cocktails with the dinner and paying for my share. So to me that wasnt too bad. There was 15 of us all together. We grouped cars together so that covered diesel . However every single on of them was invited to my wedding and i had a small venue too. I could not invite them, In this circumstances unless you really loved the girl and wanted to go i would be bowing out

Did all 15 of them really love you??? The mind boggles

TallulahBetty · 20/02/2023 10:11

Sadlifter · 20/02/2023 09:54

'Can't justify' is definitely rude, but if you don't mind sounding rude then go for it.

Ruder than being asked to subsidise her hen do go to a hen but not invited to the wedding?

Sadlifter · 20/02/2023 10:13

whatchaos · 20/02/2023 10:08

Why would you not worry about being rude? For the sake of family peace, you don't need to mention the money

Show quote history

I presume people who post things like this actually DO mind being rude in RL or they'd have literally no friends. It's very easy to try and persuade anonymous randos that they should send bloody rude messages to their friends and family. "Can't justify" is fucking rude.

raguragu · 20/02/2023 10:15

Are you sure its £320 for one night in a 3 star?

What else does it include?

Just say no. She will have others who aren't going due to cost

I always think, if people desperately want their nearest and dearest at these occasions then they make them accessible

Personally, id rather have everyone at pizzaexpress than an exclusive group at somewhere posh

elliejjtiny · 20/02/2023 10:15

That's ridiculous for a hen party. I know it's a long time ago, inflation etc but my hen party in 2004 cost less than £10 each.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 20/02/2023 10:16

@mrsoodles Does the hen party involve using annual leave from work? If so, you can say that you really can’t get the time off work on that date. Most people have limited holidays to use.

Wexone · 20/02/2023 10:16

@whatchaos yes the did - why would your mind boggle?

Hellybelly84 · 20/02/2023 10:17

mrsoodles · 20/02/2023 00:24

Small wedding.. just immediate family

"Hi, I've just realised that I'll not be able to make the hen night. Sorry! X"

Does that cut it? 🤨

Yes thats fine. Just say very sorry it clashes with something else I/we already have planned. They shouldn’t question you further than that if they are a proper friend.

Rockschooldropout · 20/02/2023 10:17

I had a similiar situation with a “friend” who organised a big hen do .. it was going to cost £150 each for a day of afternoon tea followed by cocktails then a bar .. the wedding itself was a huge bash with over 150 people invited but I wasn’t invited so politely declined the hen do with “I’m really sorry I’m just not going to be able to make it “

Velvian · 20/02/2023 10:18

I would say, 'That is more than double the amount I was expecting to pay. Apologies, but £320 is too much to come out of our family budget.'

oakleaffy · 20/02/2023 10:20

EmmaGrundyForPM · 20/02/2023 03:32

Personally I think it's outrageous to be invited to the hen do but not the wedding.

My son has recebtky been invited to a friend's stag do but only the evening part of the wedding, and I was gobsmacked.

I'd say you can't afford it but hope they have a good time.

That’s fine- I’d not be offended by that.

Maybe a wedding itself is at a small venue-
I think that’s quite usual if the wedding itself is Family only.

Appleass · 20/02/2023 10:20

Who are these brides who think they are so important they need such extravagance. I wouldn't go either, just say no I cant afford it, be honest why feel the need to make an excuse.

Maireas · 20/02/2023 10:21

oakleaffy · 20/02/2023 10:20

That’s fine- I’d not be offended by that.

Maybe a wedding itself is at a small venue-
I think that’s quite usual if the wedding itself is Family only.

Show quote history

But she's family?

user40643 · 20/02/2023 10:21

Out of your budget doesn't mean you can't afford it it means it's outside the budget you would use for such a thing.

You need to bring up the cost as that is the reason why.

Making up another reason just digs a deeper hole.

"Hi xx
Although I'd love to come to your hen night I'm afraid it's outside of the budget I planned/ left aside for it.
I hope you have a fab hen night. Hopefully we can catch up soon!
Best wishes"