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Original poster

£320 for hen night.. I'm not even invited to the wedding

258 replies

mrsoodles · 20/02/2023 00:16

Ok so..

I said I would go to the hen night, figured it'd cost in/around £150 and tbh was quite looking forward to a facial/massage.

But..

£320?

Absolutely not. How do I word the text that I'm not going? I'm definitely not going.

Problem is, the bride and family know I can afford it. I don't even want to go to the wedding either. I literally just don't want to pay £320 for something I'm not overly fussed on.

Help dear MNers

OP posts:
Amberjane41 · 20/02/2023 09:11

Sounds from what you’ve said now that she may just be asking you out of obligation anyway. Maybe your Aunt has told her to.

I wouldn’t fancy that either. How were you invited? Was it by text/group chat?

I would keep it vague. Just something a long the lines off ‘really appreciated the invite and had really wanted to attend but a few things have come up since and want to let her know now that’s it’s unlikely you’ll attend so she can factor it in the plans and maybe invite someone else’

Bear2014 · 20/02/2023 09:11

Wedding culture is bonkers. I honestly think people lose all sense of perspective. I wouldn't be going to it, say you can't justify the cost and that you hope they all have a great time.

Bear2014 · 20/02/2023 09:12

You don't have to justify what you spend your disposable income on. £500 even for a very well off person is a good chunk of money.

DeoForty · 20/02/2023 09:17

Can you say you need to check your work diary and then realise it clashes with a meeting/trip or even the weekend before a big meeting or presentation? Or if you don't work, a school/appointment/husband work thing?

Not that you should have to, and if your aunt is anything like mine she'll bitch about it anyway, just might help you feel more able to turn it down, and it's non negotiable.

Wexone · 20/02/2023 09:21

For the record my hen party cost 350e per person- that covered hotel, breakfast, show, dinner and one round of cocktails with the dinner and paying for my share. So to me that wasnt too bad. There was 15 of us all together. We grouped cars together so that covered diesel . However every single on of them was invited to my wedding and i had a small venue too. I could not invite them, In this circumstances unless you really loved the girl and wanted to go i would be bowing out

Choconut · 20/02/2023 09:23

fatherfintanstack · 20/02/2023 00:26

I'd just be straight up:

'thanks for inviting me to the hen party. Plans look great but I'm afraid it's rather more than I was expecting to spend so i won't be able to join you. I hope you have a wonderful day and wedding though and look forward to catching up soon!'.

That way you're not claiming you can't afford it but telling the truth in a nice way. It is a lot of money and I'm guessing they're not someone extremely close if you're not invited to the wedding so they shouldn't take it personally.

I like this, I think it's better if they know the reason, you're not saying you can't afford it and there's no need to lie.

whatchaos · 20/02/2023 09:24

I wouldn't bother mentioning the cost as it sounds like that could create some drama as it's an implicit rebuke. Just say you're sorry you can't - blame your dc not sleeping well at the moment or something important that you need to be at first thing the next morning - and offer to bring the bride and her new husband or mother out for lunch to celebrate before or after the wedding.
That way you look generous and thoughtful but get out of the hen.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/02/2023 09:29

fatherfintanstack · 20/02/2023 00:26

I'd just be straight up:

'thanks for inviting me to the hen party. Plans look great but I'm afraid it's rather more than I was expecting to spend so i won't be able to join you. I hope you have a wonderful day and wedding though and look forward to catching up soon!'.

That way you're not claiming you can't afford it but telling the truth in a nice way. It is a lot of money and I'm guessing they're not someone extremely close if you're not invited to the wedding so they shouldn't take it personally.

I think @fatherfintanstack's message is spot on, @mrsoodles. I hope you can sort this out with as little stress as possible.

Dodgeitornot · 20/02/2023 09:30

Why on earth are you invited to a hen but not the wedding? You're worried about how to decline this but they weren't embarrassed to invite you to a hen but leave off the wedding?? Wth is wrong with these people. Don't go. It sounds awful.

fatherfintanstack · 20/02/2023 09:32

If your aunt or cousin create a fuss over this they're being gauche and rude. It's not your place to mitigate that or have to worry about it. Your position is totally defensible. Your only obligation is just to be polite and gracious when you do decline. That amount is terrible value for what's offered so it's not as though they've lovingly planned every detail of the hen with guests enjoyment and comfort in mind.

Fundays12 · 20/02/2023 09:33

Ouch £320 for a hen do for one night. I could afford it but wouldn't go either. It's a ridiculous amount of money to ask anyone to spend on one night.

TheChoiceIsYours · 20/02/2023 09:35

If they know you can afford it but are choosing not to then say:

‘I’m afraid I really can’t justify that much for one night, I hadn’t expected it to be nearly so much. But hope you all have a lovely time!’

Can’t justify is a lot harder to argue with than can’t afford. It’s a nicer way of clearly saying this is not a priority for me to spend that money on!

Mydogisthecutest · 20/02/2023 09:35

It would be a no from me too I’m afraid!!! To be honest it sounds like the bride/brides nearest and dearest have booked a lot of treatments and probably expecting everyone attending the hen party to fund it - I find it really hard to believe that a spa day with a single treatment for one person is £320

Maireas · 20/02/2023 09:35

Exactly what @fatherfintanstack said. (Or was it Fr Todd Unctuous?)
It's rude not to be invited to the wedding in these circumstances. I suspect they'll be upset because your £320 is covering their costs.

Blessedbethefknfruit · 20/02/2023 09:35

mrsoodles · 20/02/2023 08:42

One night in a 3* hotel and a mini treatment of choice - mini massage or mini facial

Check in 3pm and check out 10am

Oh and it's a two hour drive away

I was expected to drive, no offer of diesel money mentioned

I'm not even joking when I say I booked a trip to Krakow for less than this one night!

OP I went to Warsaw for 4 nights, flights and accommodation included for £92 in Jan 2020. I totally get how you feel, that's an absurd amount of money even if you can easily afford it, especially when there is so much more you can do with that money.

BaconMassive · 20/02/2023 09:37

Just write:

"THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY POUNDS?"

TuxedoJunction · 20/02/2023 09:40

BaconMassive · 20/02/2023 09:37

Just write:

"THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY POUNDS?"

🤣🤣

Eggsandavocado · 20/02/2023 09:43

mackthepony · 20/02/2023 02:08

My cousin still had a large group go to tenerife, but also booked a cocktail night round the local town for those that missed it, plus whoever wanted to come!!

^

I can't believe the entitlement of some people...a group going to Tenerife? For a hen?

I can’t see as that’s entitlement, it’s not forcing people to go. I went on a hen to Ibiza, it was amazing, not everyone could make it so there was also a drinks evening when we got home.

PurpleButterflyWings · 20/02/2023 09:49

Easy. Do not go.

bonzaitree · 20/02/2023 09:50

This is mad.

she wants best part of £500 but you’re not even invited to the wedding… so weird!

why do people burden their family a and friends with weddings?

Climbles · 20/02/2023 09:54

TheChoiceIsYours · 20/02/2023 09:35

If they know you can afford it but are choosing not to then say:

‘I’m afraid I really can’t justify that much for one night, I hadn’t expected it to be nearly so much. But hope you all have a lovely time!’

Can’t justify is a lot harder to argue with than can’t afford. It’s a nicer way of clearly saying this is not a priority for me to spend that money on!

I think the wording of this is perfect. ‘Can’t justify’ is exactly the situation. I might be tempted to add in something like ‘can’t justify £500 from the family budget’.
you shouldn’t bother worrying too much about being rude. They have been very rude by not inviting you to the wedding but expecting you to pay for the brides hen.

Sadlifter · 20/02/2023 09:54

'Can't justify' is definitely rude, but if you don't mind sounding rude then go for it.

Original poster
mrsoodles · 20/02/2023 09:56

Thanks all for your input, at least I know I'm not being unreasonable..

I will definitely be sitting this one out.

OP posts:
Openskeptic · 20/02/2023 09:57

I’m going to go against the majority view here. If you don’t go do you envisage forfeiting a certainty amount of family goodwill? If that’s going to be long term, you might find yourself with a goodwill deficit long after you would have stopped caring about the money.

FinnRussell · 20/02/2023 09:57

Say that by the time you've added on diesel and dinner etc it's more than you're comfortable spending but you'd love to meet them for lunch and fizz before the wedding to celebrate