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Help me reveal secret wedding plans to fiance!

320 replies

Futball13 · 06/02/2023 10:56

So we have two young children, been engaged five years. He has dropped the odd hint. About a month ago I found 'the dress' and thought I may as well continue with the plans. Its a smallish affair at a country house with 28 family and friends. It's all planned for Easter Saturday, everyone knows apart from the groom! I have to get him to sign the marriage notice forms so plan to tell him on Valentines Day. Any bright ideas on a fun way of breaking the news?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2023 12:49

Futball13 · 06/02/2023 12:45

I suppose only I do know him. And if he didnt want to marry me, why stay? That would be childish. He proposed? Why? I will feedback once I tell him. He can have a say in what he wears of course. And best man if he wants one, though it is a very low key affair which is what we both want.

Why stay? Easy life. Wife doing his laundry. Someone one to have sex with without any effort. 💯 access to his kids.

ShakeYourFeathers · 06/02/2023 12:52

Sorry but a nice gesture but this has disaster written all over it

Stravaig · 06/02/2023 12:54

It is abusive to coerce someone into marrying you. Unilateral planning, booking, paying, enlisting dozens of other people, then presenting it as a fait accompli is extremely coercive. How is he going to refuse?

Johnnysgirl · 06/02/2023 12:55

Futball13 · 06/02/2023 12:25

Its a low key thing.

Been to venue once - will go again in daylight
It's on Easter Saturday
I know him well enough - and he has hinted recently
I have funded it all so far, yes.

You haven't answered those questions? You don't have to on here, but you'd better think about them.
You don't seem to have a clue.

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 06/02/2023 12:55

He has hinted what? That he wants you to take all planning and decisions out of his hands and for you to plan a wedding single-handedly that is supposed to be a celebration of TOGETHERNESS?

The question isn't whether he wants to marry you, it's whether he wants to have absolutely no say in his wedding, no opportunity to make sure that anyone he wants to be there has been invited and is available on the date you have chosen.

So you want people to help you come up with a cutesy way to surprise him with this, no doubt for you to video him being surprised? Is this about him at all...

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2023 12:57

Futball13 · 06/02/2023 12:45

I suppose only I do know him. And if he didnt want to marry me, why stay? That would be childish. He proposed? Why? I will feedback once I tell him. He can have a say in what he wears of course. And best man if he wants one, though it is a very low key affair which is what we both want.

You’re not listening are you?

Namechange1345677 · 06/02/2023 12:57

My husband loves surprises...but would be so upset if I had done this.

anxiouspeabrain · 06/02/2023 13:02

Omg this is ................. madness. Absolute madness.

lowclouds · 06/02/2023 13:02

BreviloquentBastard · 06/02/2023 12:48

I really hope you know him as well as you think you do OP, because I'd leave you over this. It's his wedding too, not just yours, and I'd be furious and devastated to have had no part in planning my own wedding, and to be told whats happening and what I'm allowed to do by the person I'm supposed to want to spend my life with. I'd be out the door and leave you to have your wedding on your own.

Same.

I hope he reacts as you are hoping.

My husband would have felt completely railroaded by this. The fact that you are engaged doesn't mean you can just spring the wedding on him when you feel like it.

Still, you know him and I hope it all works out.

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 13:02

He can have a say in what he wears of course. And best man if he wants one, though it is a very low key affair which is what we both want.

Ho lorrrrrd.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2023 13:02

Do you mean under a grand or under 10 grand?

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 13:04

Replace this with a man booking a secret wedding for a woman.

She can have a say in what she wears of course. And a bridesmaid if she wants one, though it is a very low key affair which is what we both want.

It feels a bit weird OP, no?

DestinysGrandchild · 06/02/2023 13:04

Unless he has said "please can you plan it all and not tell me anything until it's done" then I can't see this going great. I don't really understand what a hint could be?

Well done to you if this all works out but if it was me I'd be pissed off that you'd done that and all of my family knew but didn't say anything to me.

Johnnysgirl · 06/02/2023 13:05

*So. Treat it like a proposal, but one aimed at a man (ie focused on food and sex not flowers and romance). Cook him a nice meal, then get down on one knee and give him a posh wedding invite with eg the time date etc in printed gold letters but Marry Me felt-tipped on it or something like that. Then if he gets annoyed about it, distract him with sex
What the actual fuck? 🤣🤣🤣

ShakeYourFeathers · 06/02/2023 13:06

Have you considered how his close family might react. I don't know any mother who would be able to keep that big a secret from their son.

How will you let his best man know that he's the best man know. What if best man wants to organise a low key stag do?

HyggeTygge · 06/02/2023 13:07

And if he didnt want to marry me, why stay?

Gosh that's a real head-scratcher. Have you read any MN threads ever, OP?

ebonylion · 06/02/2023 13:08

Can't believe the responses
My husband would have been thrilled

Good for you xx

AnonKat · 06/02/2023 13:09

If you're in the UK then you will have to both give notice, or it won't be legal.

I don't believe this for a second!

Landndialamrhf · 06/02/2023 13:11

And if he didnt want to marry me, why stay? That would be childish. He proposed? Why?

you keep saying this and it’s weird.
it feels like you’re calling his bluff, with faux naivety

Isthisreasonable · 06/02/2023 13:11

Is the hint "if you organise and pay for a wedding l'll turn up"? Sounds like a man who just wants an easy life. Doesn't really sound like a man who's desperate to marry you. His parents might be keen to get shot of him - my x-il's were very happy to have someone take on their permanently skint son, especially as it didn't cost them a penny.

RiktheButler · 06/02/2023 13:13

I wonder if some posters are missing the point - this isn't a case of him not having to choose the flowers or book the venue, this is a case of him NOT KNOWING HE IS GETTING MARRIED

I'm sorry, but this sounds horribly manipulative and as a wedding professional I'd suggest that it is a terrible idea

Tolstoysbackpack · 06/02/2023 13:15

Oh OP, this is making me a bit panicky. Are you sure this is the right thing to do? However much he wants to be with you, you are effectively taking control of the rest of his life. He will have to be more than laid back but incredibly passive to accept this. It’s a bit disrespectful really.

I think you shouldn’t wait until Valentines Day to do a themed reveal. I think this is too big a decision to make it forced and contrived like that. I think you should have a chat to him about it asap. Then hopefully he will be on board and you can get on with enjoying planning the event.

What if he can’t get leave from work?

What if there is some people he wants to invite but that decision has been taken out of his hands.

what will he say to his friends about it? Will he be embarrassed to tell them? I’m not sure it’s the cutesy ‘guess what my fiancé has done now lol’ thing that you think it is. It’s a lighthearted joke but will he be a pissed off that he is the kind of butt of it because it’s not really light hearted. It sounds a bit like something characters would do in a zany sitcom.

does everyone invited really know except him? I would worry that people were sniggering at me a bit.

And they are all cool with it?

I guess the biggest thing to prepare yourself for is if he says no. What will you do? Will you light heartedly accept his refusal? Or will it cause problems in your relationship?

it’s such a gamble. Are you sure it will be taken in good humour that you are envisioning?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/02/2023 13:16

OP, how would you feel if this was done to you? It's beyond manipulative.

ExtraJalapenos · 06/02/2023 13:24

As 'sweet' as you think this sounds, this is a legal proceeding. Marriage isn't a game.
Its very coerced. Its very manipulative. Regardless of what his reaction is.

shieldmaiden7 · 06/02/2023 13:35

My husband would not be cool with this at all!

You keep saying why would he stay if he didn't want to get married, why do people stay in marriages they aren't happy in. Convenience. Familiarity. His children.

What have your family and friends said about this?