Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Help me reveal secret wedding plans to fiance!

320 replies

Futball13 · 06/02/2023 10:56

So we have two young children, been engaged five years. He has dropped the odd hint. About a month ago I found 'the dress' and thought I may as well continue with the plans. Its a smallish affair at a country house with 28 family and friends. It's all planned for Easter Saturday, everyone knows apart from the groom! I have to get him to sign the marriage notice forms so plan to tell him on Valentines Day. Any bright ideas on a fun way of breaking the news?

OP posts:
FatSealSmugSoup · 06/02/2023 11:31

There’s not enough popcorn in the world for this!

Dejavu23 · 06/02/2023 11:32

Risky!

Paturday · 06/02/2023 11:32

He’s dropped the odd hint like what? You’re engaged so trying to think what he could be hinting at.

Anyway, good on you for organising such short notice! If you’re telling him ahead of the day I think that’s all good. Hope you pull it off!

DestinysGrandchild · 06/02/2023 11:33

What are you going to do when he thinks you're a nutter for doing all of it without saying and then says he doesn't want to get married?

HyacinthineMacaw · 06/02/2023 11:34

Paturday · 06/02/2023 11:32

He’s dropped the odd hint like what? You’re engaged so trying to think what he could be hinting at.

Anyway, good on you for organising such short notice! If you’re telling him ahead of the day I think that’s all good. Hope you pull it off!

She has to tell him before the day - they need to go to see the registrar, and will be interviewed separately, to make sure it’s a legitimate wedding, and neither of them is being coerced into marriage…

PurBal · 06/02/2023 11:34

I was taught that if I couldn’t say anything nice not to say anything at all. So… I do hope that it’s the day you both want.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/02/2023 11:40

Are you feeling ok?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/02/2023 11:42

Could you imagine if a Man done this?

Oldandcobwebby · 06/02/2023 11:43

I hope this goes down well and you have a happy future together, but I have to say that if a wedding had been sprung on me like this, I would certainly not have been amused.

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 06/02/2023 11:47

You obviously know him well enough to think he will respond well or you wouldn't have done it. Personally I would go up the wall if my partner did this and would more than likely refuse to go through with it.

Lcb123 · 06/02/2023 11:49

You must be incredibly confident he will receive this well. Definitely would not happen with my DH - we're an equal partnership and we loved planning our wedding together. Assume you have booked the appointment to give notice, as it's not just signing the forms.

FedUpWithBriiiiick · 06/02/2023 11:50

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 11:16

Can anyone smell that?

<sniffs> smells like...

chickypox · 06/02/2023 11:51

this has to be a joke

LondonJax · 06/02/2023 11:52

Wow...good luck.

I hope you know for sure that he wants a small country house wedding and not an elope to Vegas or get married on the beach type wedding. Because it is his day too. There are things for him that will make it 'his day' as well as 'our day'. Things he can look back on and say 'I'm glad we found the money for x or I'm glad we agreed to invite y'.

That's what a marriage is...compromise sometimes and sometimes standing back and saying 'this is important to you, you first'.

So I hope he, and you, have a special day and it's what both of you dream of.

And yes, other posters are correct. The registrar doesn't just need forms signed. Your DH to be will have to explain, at an interview where you're not present, that he is happy to get married and have not been coerced in any way.

Showersugar · 06/02/2023 11:57

Careful you don't fall foul of forced marriage laws (not a sentence I thought I'd say today!)

HappinesDependsOnYou · 06/02/2023 12:00

Great idea. Maybe he will use the same idea and surprise you with an annulment or divorce once the shock has worn off 🙄

LittleBear21 · 06/02/2023 12:00

Goodness. This would have so stressed my husband out if I had done this. It would not have ended well. But then you have invited his family from the sounds of things. My FIL & MIL would have told me what a bad idea it was had I suggested this to them. So on the basis you and your combined families know him well and are all on board.....

I would tell him when it is just the two of you, in a very comfortable/relaxed setting. That will make it easier for him to enjoy the surprise and ask questions. It would be too much unfair pressure to do it in front of your kids or other family or friends. Maybe cook his favorite meal and have his favorite drink in etc. Give him a wedding invite just to him (a nice keepsake assuming all goes well) and it will help it sink in if it is all in black and white.

Do be prepared for mind blown / feeling wrong footed reactions.

Obviously wonderful if he's thrilled, and fingers crossed for you both.

BillLius · 06/02/2023 12:02

HappinesDependsOnYou · 06/02/2023 12:00

Great idea. Maybe he will use the same idea and surprise you with an annulment or divorce once the shock has worn off 🙄

On Christmas Day down the pub.

LimeCheesecake · 06/02/2023 12:03

Wait so you’ve been engaged for 5 years but then he’s been hinting about actually arranging the wedding but you haven’t really as a couple done anything, and now you’ve arranged the whole thing?

just tell him today, don’t ruin valentines if he’s not as thrilled as you would like - he may well want to be married to you but have ideas about how he’d like his wedding day to go. Just say what you’ve done, what is possible to cancel /change, anything that’s not.

DestinysGrandchild · 06/02/2023 12:05

I don't think we're going to get any reply from the OP. She's probably realised it's not the best idea. The family just didn't want to say anything.

Springis · 06/02/2023 12:07

Aw man everyone’s so negative.

Presumably they have actually discussed, at some point over their five year engagement, what kind of wedding they’d like. Presumably DH has indicated he’s up for it and likes country houses but doesn’t know where to start with organising it.

Perhaps 😱 OP has some money of her own.

All women would hate this.

Some men would hate this.

Some men would love this. Certainly my DH would have, he had zero interest in wedding planning. Perhaps OP knows her fiance better than we do…

FatSealSmugSoup · 06/02/2023 12:07

BillLius · 06/02/2023 12:02

On Christmas Day down the pub.

Show quote history

😂😂 I was just thinking den and angie myself!

Womencanlift · 06/02/2023 12:13

So just because you have found a dress you are going to railroad your fiancé to marry you? I am all for marriage when there are kids because of the legal protection it gives but this is ridiculous

As a pp said imagine a man did this and a woman posted saying my DP has planned my wedding without telling me. The responses would be that he is controlling

I think the OP has in her mind that this will turn out like a romantic Hollywood film but this is real life with practicalities that mean that this rose tinted view of her wedding day will be anything but

Original poster
Futball13 · 06/02/2023 12:20

Oh my word, was so not prepared for this. Haha he wrote in a wee book to one of the children at christmas...Mummy wants to marry Daddy (as part of a longer story). He did propose afterall and if he didnt want to marry me...why do this? or stay with me for that matter. We had a child just last year. He's just not a talker and is probably waiting for me to bring it up/start organising. He buy's a fiance card each year at Christmas and Valentines. He proposed when I was pregnant so just didnt get round to it, then got pregnant again.

Some poster's are correct. I would not do this if I thought he would not like it. He likes surprises and will just be happy all the organising is taken away from him. Thanks for the tips...love the Kinder Egg one...but of work but could be worth it. Or a big special easter egg from Thorntons, prize it apart and out invite in. I had thought of flowers also.

It's a low key affair (under £10000 all in) and yes I could afford it without a problem. But it it just booked, not all paid for.

To give notice we have to fill in forms, send off with BC etc then collect marrriage schedule. No interview here.

He will be very happy with country house (as there's a great chef and food supposed to be amazing) and tbh apart from the dress and makeip up etc I would be happy if someone organised this for me as I could see how much work and thought had gone into it.

OP posts:
SnowOnTheBeach1 · 06/02/2023 12:21

This has to be fake.

  1. Surely you would've been having regular meetings with the venue to discuss your plans? We have about 6/7 meetings with ours from when we booked to when we get married. Meetings to discuss the details of the day where questions would be raised if BOTH of us are present.
  2. What "Marriage forms" are you on about? To give notice (aka the legal bit) you BOTH have to go the council IN PERSON at least 30 days prior (so March 10th in your case), show your ID and have a small interview to prove the marriage is legit and not being forced on either side. You may not even be able to get an appointment in the next three weeks... ours is currently booked for July and they had limited times left. You don't have to go together (it helps) but you do both have to go
  3. Not one member of your family has told you this is a bad idea?
  4. Have you even booked the registrar for easter sunday? They might not even be available.
  5. What do you do if he finds out it's a wedding and refuses to go through with it ?
  6. Surely this is a big expense which presumably you've funded yourself? Don't you discuss finances?

I'm in the middle of planning and although my fiance is really chill i've still involved him in the decisions or at least asked his opinion. It's his day as much as mine. My Fiance would feel really hurt if I just planned the entire thing without him.