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Original poster

Help me reveal secret wedding plans to fiance!

320 replies

Futball13 · 06/02/2023 10:56

So we have two young children, been engaged five years. He has dropped the odd hint. About a month ago I found 'the dress' and thought I may as well continue with the plans. Its a smallish affair at a country house with 28 family and friends. It's all planned for Easter Saturday, everyone knows apart from the groom! I have to get him to sign the marriage notice forms so plan to tell him on Valentines Day. Any bright ideas on a fun way of breaking the news?

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 06/02/2023 12:22

OnaBegonia · 06/02/2023 11:04

I would not be amused if this was done to me, railroading him i to a wedding, I don't see this going well.

Me too! I would be furious.

DestinysGrandchild · 06/02/2023 12:23

Plot twist - he does the same and plans to tell her on Valentine's Day.

Inkpotlover · 06/02/2023 12:23

I'd hate this done to me and I'd hate to do it to my DP. There's a reason he's let the engagement drag on for five years.

Original poster
Futball13 · 06/02/2023 12:25

SnowOnTheBeach1 · 06/02/2023 12:21

This has to be fake.

  1. Surely you would've been having regular meetings with the venue to discuss your plans? We have about 6/7 meetings with ours from when we booked to when we get married. Meetings to discuss the details of the day where questions would be raised if BOTH of us are present.
  2. What "Marriage forms" are you on about? To give notice (aka the legal bit) you BOTH have to go the council IN PERSON at least 30 days prior (so March 10th in your case), show your ID and have a small interview to prove the marriage is legit and not being forced on either side. You may not even be able to get an appointment in the next three weeks... ours is currently booked for July and they had limited times left. You don't have to go together (it helps) but you do both have to go
  3. Not one member of your family has told you this is a bad idea?
  4. Have you even booked the registrar for easter sunday? They might not even be available.
  5. What do you do if he finds out it's a wedding and refuses to go through with it ?
  6. Surely this is a big expense which presumably you've funded yourself? Don't you discuss finances?

I'm in the middle of planning and although my fiance is really chill i've still involved him in the decisions or at least asked his opinion. It's his day as much as mine. My Fiance would feel really hurt if I just planned the entire thing without him.

Its a low key thing.

Been to venue once - will go again in daylight
It's on Easter Saturday
I know him well enough - and he has hinted recently
I have funded it all so far, yes.

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 06/02/2023 12:25

I had this done to me. It was fucking awful. I had it annulled 6 weeks later and kicked him out it is not romantic it is manipulative and scheming. I would strongly advise against it

Butwhytho · 06/02/2023 12:27

What the actual fuck? This is so far from normal behaviour, I don’t even know what to say.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 06/02/2023 12:27

He proposed when I was pregnant so just didnt get round to it

There's probably a reason for that...

GoldDuster · 06/02/2023 12:27

Mummy wants to marry Daddy

isn't quite the same thing as daddy wants to marry mummy, I'm not sure I'd be taking that as a hint to arrange a wedding in secret, but you sound like a woman of action!

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2023 12:28

Really really bad idea.
Unless the hint was “you know we should definitely get married on x date at y venue, I would love it if you just organised and paid for it all and surprised me”
Have you never watched Dont tell the Bride - and they know they are getting married!!

saraclara · 06/02/2023 12:28

PurBal · 06/02/2023 11:34

I was taught that if I couldn’t say anything nice not to say anything at all. So… I do hope that it’s the day you both want.

So you'd let someone manipulate their partner into marriage without saying a word?

Do you also not say anything to someone who's abusive? Someone who hits their child or beats their dog? Someone who steals? someone who's getting into their car, drunk? Where does what you were taught, end?

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2023 12:29

saraclara · 06/02/2023 12:28

So you'd let someone manipulate their partner into marriage without saying a word?

Do you also not say anything to someone who's abusive? Someone who hits their child or beats their dog? Someone who steals? someone who's getting into their car, drunk? Where does what you were taught, end?

Show quote history

I think @PurBal makes the point she meant to very well

NotSorry · 06/02/2023 12:30

Only you know your DH to be - My DH would have loved it as it would have been no organisation for him! I'd go with the Valentine's card idea as above - good luck OP, hope you have a lovely day

OttersMayHaveShiftedInTransit · 06/02/2023 12:31

So he gets absolutely no say on who is invited - have you chosen the best man for him too?

saraclara · 06/02/2023 12:31

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2023 12:29

I think @PurBal makes the point she meant to very well

Show quote history

I clearly had a moment of stupid, there! Apologies @PurBal

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2023 12:33

Oh crikey op, I've been here, got the tshirt, and it isn't good. I would have said the same about my exhusband, he didn't like organising, was a quiet man etc. I was fooling myself, and it's only with the benefit of hindsight I can see the clues were there all along. He never wanted to marry me, but hated conflict, and would just say yes to anything for an easy life. I now see what he is, a coward and a liar, but I fooled myself for y decades because I wanted to believe he loved me.

ttcat37 · 06/02/2023 12:36

It comes across as quite manipulative, doing it in secret to make it very difficult for him to say no. If he had wanted to get married imminently then surely he would have engaged in conversations with you about doing so? And by not, he doesn’t want to? Lots of people have long engagements. If you want to marry him then you need to discuss this with him and ask when he thinks he might like to.

Floomobal · 06/02/2023 12:39

This is a car crash in slow motion.

“Mummy wants to marry Daddy” is NOT a commitment of intent to marry from his point of view.

Having no say on date/guests/what he’s wearing etc is horrendously controlling. Spending £10K with no input from your partner is just so strange.

But I think the worst part of it all is that an engagement doesn’t have to mean much for someone who doesn’t want to get married. It’s a big romantic gesture which simply buys breathing room. This might be what he’s done.

ANYONE (male or female) would have made moves towards marrying within 5 years of engagement if they actually wanted to get married. This may well bring it all to a head.

thinykinny87 · 06/02/2023 12:39

It also puts him in a hard spot as you say all his family and close friends know.

I'm not saying he won't be happy. I'm sure he will be but it's a tricky thing to say no to once it's all organised and everyone knows.

SleepingisanArt · 06/02/2023 12:39

The 'hinting' bit bothers me. When he 'hints' why don't you actually talk about it? It sounds very childish.

Johnnysgirl · 06/02/2023 12:41

Haha he wrote in a wee book to one of the children at christmas...Mummy wants to marry Daddy
That would be far more significant if he'd written Daddy wants to marry Mummy 😬
You poor thing.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 06/02/2023 12:42

Gosh, I'd never do this unless you are absolutely, 100% bomb proof he'll be happy with it.

I know a few people who have wanted to get married, their partner has proposed to 'keep the peace' but really don't want to get married.

fairgame84 · 06/02/2023 12:42

Oh God this happened to my brother.
His girlfriend booked the wedding and then told him about it a week before they had to give notice. He went through with it because he wanted her to he happy. They were married for 6 years then she left him for another man in 2020. She's now refusing to divorce him.
He never wanted to get married and wishes he'd have cancelled.

Johnnysgirl · 06/02/2023 12:44

and he has hinted recently
Hinted? 😵‍💫

Original poster
Futball13 · 06/02/2023 12:45

I suppose only I do know him. And if he didnt want to marry me, why stay? That would be childish. He proposed? Why? I will feedback once I tell him. He can have a say in what he wears of course. And best man if he wants one, though it is a very low key affair which is what we both want.

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 06/02/2023 12:48

I really hope you know him as well as you think you do OP, because I'd leave you over this. It's his wedding too, not just yours, and I'd be furious and devastated to have had no part in planning my own wedding, and to be told whats happening and what I'm allowed to do by the person I'm supposed to want to spend my life with. I'd be out the door and leave you to have your wedding on your own.