Lost a friend over her wedding :(

[Heyahun]

Awkward one - friend had to reschedule her wedding several times due to Covid! In the 3 years since she got engaged my circumstances have changed (I have a small baby)
I am a Bridesmaid

The last wedding was planned for a week after my due date - so I declined ( the wedding is in a different Country - where we are both from)

She was very upset with me that I said we couldn't go and had zero understaning of the situation - even saying well fly over with the baby when it's born and take it to the wedding (baby was actually 10 days over so no I couldn't have gone!)

Then it got moved to May of this year - so YAY we can go!

I arranged for my Mum to look after our baby for the day - said we would travel down morning of the wedding and my Dad kindly offered to collect us that night and take us back to theirs.

She said I have to be there the day before .. I can't go the day before as my baby is exclusively breastfed so really I can only leave her for the day not overnight

I was getting stressed about being a bridesmaid so I met up with her and said i would be happier to attend as a guest as I feel I can't give the role of Bridesmaid the attention it needs and I can't be there the day before etc

well she blocked me that day, removed me from the hen whatsapp group and now im wondering whats going on!

Have i been an awful friend? am I now no longer invited?

I've already booked flights and time off work so I am a bit miffed tbh

It shouldn’t really matter what she thinks about whether your baby is old enough to be left. You do t want to leave the baby too long so that’s that.

I’ve had this exact situation

It’s not salvageable, write off and just see your parents

From being “blocked” you can assume you are uninvited, so don’t go, cancel the present et

Sorry this happened to you

My friend wrote me a long letter about me trying to steal the limelight with my baby. Bonkers. You can’t argue with bonkers. She wanted me to have waited to have a baby until after she had got married, as I knew a year in advance, and me trying to conceive in that year just showed my selfishness

Apparently

She’s the awful friend here you OP and one day she will realise that when she has children

You haven't lost a friend, you've had a malignant growth removed. Imagine what it would have been like in the coming years as her selfishness and ego dominated every interaction. Comparisons between kids, homes, holidays. Demanding and self-absorbed phone calls which drain the life out of you.

I'd open a bottle of something and celebrate if I were you.

@LethargicActress

I can understand her being hurt that you backed out of being her bridesmaid, I think anyone would be in that situation. It might have been better to explain that you couldn’t leave the baby the night before and then ask her if she still wanted you to be BM to put the decision on her.

But it’s done now, she’s reacted badly, so leave her to it.

Totally agree. Not been awful but you could have been a bit more flexible given that your baby will be 15 months and your friend is finally having her dream wedding

[quote Pipsquiggle]@PurpleDaisies

Because most of us do when we have babies after our friends. We realise how bloody hard parenting is - both emotionally and practically.
If she doesn't, she's probably veering onto psychopathic tenancies.[/quote]
Just because you were inconsiderate before having children, doesn't mean you should tar everyone with the same brush.

That's a horrible reaction from your friend. OP, you've kindly explained your reasoning face to face and she's ending your friendship over you not being able to do exactly what she requests? I think you're better off without the drama.

She’s a shit friend.
Even if she unblocks her the only thing I’d be willing to say to her is to eff off.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks
Quite right. Remember that old maxim: 'friendships are like farts. If you have to force it, it's probably shit'.

Ha this is brilliant! And so true

@Wotagain

Genuine question, when did brides start needing undivided attention from their bridesmaids, in order to get married? Admittedly I got married years ago, and had 2 bridesmaids, only one got changed at my parent's house as she'd had to travel quite a distance that morning, but the other, my best friend of years and years, met me at the church gate. As a grown up, I was perfectly capable of getting myself ready. I get it's a mini pre wedding party, but what do brides actually need their 'maids' to do?

I totally agree. This nonsense about bridesmaids "duties" needs to stop.

I would be inclined to just let other friends know in a factual and unemotional way that you have been uninvited from the hen and wedding as you now have a baby and are unable to fulfil your bridesmaid obligations.

In terms of bridesmaids’ duties, as a bridesmaid (9 times!) I love getting ready with the bride on the morning. I don’t think it’s exactly demanding to ask a bridesmaid to come and have a glass of champagne and put some make up on together, and share in the anticipation and excitement.

Obviously though that’s only if the bridesmaid wants to. Expecting someone with a baby to come baby free to get ready I is totally unreasonable but in general I think most bridesmaids don’t mind this aspect. If I’m close enough to someone to be their bridesmaid, I don’t get why I wouldn’t want to be with them on the morning unless there was reason I couldn’t.

‘ Totally agree. Not been awful but you could have been a bit more flexible given that your baby will be 15 months and your friend is finally having her dream wedding’

Hahaha this post.
A 15 month old child should really be left overnight to suit the needs of a spoilt adult? Ok.

‘dream wedding’ my goodness 🙄

Thanks everyone - the dust has settled a bit - i ended up a bit upset about it all tbh as I thought we were close and our friendship wouldn't end over something like this!

I ended up emailing her to say how I felt and did mention that I had booked the flights etc and that I wasn't even sure if we were invited now or not and would appreciate it if she could at least confirm that...
She chose to not respond - probably unsurprisingly

so I'm now sure that the friendship is over.

Interestingly the girl who was being maid of honour now seems to no longer be on her instagram and she wasn't in the hen whatsapp group (before I was removed)
So I wonder if she fell out with her too!

In the following months, you will discover that she has fallen out with many people over her wedding.

You may also find she comes crawling to you with an apology. Up to you whether you accept it.

You learn an awful lot about people during various scenarios like wedding arrangements, lost luggage, speeding fines etc.

She has probably fallen out with loads of people.
Destination weddings, and the people that have them always cause fall outs. They just don’t understand that others have priority’s that are not them.
It’s sad that you have lost the friendship, but at least the plane tickets won’t go to waste.

It's so terrible, she is being a complete bridezilla as someone said.

That’s absolutely horrible of your “friend “ .

One of my bridesmaids was in a similar situation with a breastfed newborn . We suggested she flies in for the wedding and fly home the same day. It was a short-ish flight . She was welcome to stay longer of course but I don’t think she wanted to bring her baby so that wouldn’t have worked . Flights were being paid for so she didn’t need to worry about that . In the end she was too stressed about it and decided not to go at all. Guess what? I wasn’t upset in the slightest . We are still friends!!