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Original poster

Lost a friend over her wedding :(

117 replies

Heyahun · 31/01/2022 14:47

Awkward one - friend had to reschedule her wedding several times due to Covid! In the 3 years since she got engaged my circumstances have changed (I have a small baby)
I am a Bridesmaid

The last wedding was planned for a week after my due date - so I declined ( the wedding is in a different Country - where we are both from)

She was very upset with me that I said we couldn't go and had zero understaning of the situation - even saying well fly over with the baby when it's born and take it to the wedding (baby was actually 10 days over so no I couldn't have gone!)

Then it got moved to May of this year - so YAY we can go!

I arranged for my Mum to look after our baby for the day - said we would travel down morning of the wedding and my Dad kindly offered to collect us that night and take us back to theirs.

She said I have to be there the day before .. I can't go the day before as my baby is exclusively breastfed so really I can only leave her for the day not overnight

I was getting stressed about being a bridesmaid so I met up with her and said i would be happier to attend as a guest as I feel I can't give the role of Bridesmaid the attention it needs and I can't be there the day before etc

well she blocked me that day, removed me from the hen whatsapp group and now im wondering whats going on!

Have i been an awful friend? am I now no longer invited?

I've already booked flights and time off work so I am a bit miffed tbh

OP posts:

Pipsquiggle · 31/01/2022 16:30

She sounds like a bridezilla.

She will have an 'AH HA' moment if/when she has children.

She's also fucking stupid if she thinks you can fly when you're full term

merrygoround23 · 31/01/2022 16:30

She's been an awful friend, not you.

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2022 16:31

She will have an 'AH HA' moment if/when she has children

How do you know this?

birdglasspen · 31/01/2022 16:33

You are a good mum, she’s an awful friend and she might one day understand if she has her own baby. She’s utterly ridiculous to expect you to travel for a wedding a few days after giving birth. I hope you have other more understanding friends.

Lookforwardtosummer · 31/01/2022 16:33

OP, enjoy time with your parents. Forget her, she's shown her true colours now. She sounds horrible.

SamphiretheStickerist · 31/01/2022 16:41

@LethargicActress

I can understand her being hurt that you backed out of being her bridesmaid, I think anyone would be in that situation. It might have been better to explain that you couldn’t leave the baby the night before and then ask her if she still wanted you to be BM to put the decision on her.

But it’s done now, she’s reacted badly, so leave her to it.

I could understand her being disappointed that OP couldn't make the whole multiple day event. I don't have kids and if a friend with one under, say, 5 years said to me that they couldn't do something because of the kids I'd be disappointed, not angry. I'd probably offer an alternative arrangement or three, find something that could work.

Bride could easily have accepted OP not being a bridesmaid, or not making the night before. A real friend would have accepted a compromise, or even a straight up "No."

affairsofdragons · 31/01/2022 16:45

Bride sounds like an entitled cow.

Sounds like you're well rid of the oversized baby.

UserBot9to5 · 31/01/2022 16:52

@User310

If she hasn’t got a baby herself.. just wait until she does and then you will get your apology!

This actually did happen to me. 4 years after we fell out. I was 3xpected to leave dc2 a baby with a random babysitter in her village but bring the older dc (but control her!). Argh.... i tried to explain the problems. I didnt know then that my baby had autism but i knew he wasnt easy. I knew i couldnt just leave him with somebody he didnt know for 24 hours. He would have screamed for 24 hou4s

UserBot9to5 · 31/01/2022 16:52

But yes, the apology did come!! She went from zero insight to complete insight

IntermittentParps · 31/01/2022 16:55

YANBU. I really don't get this thing about bridesmaids having to be like ladies in waiting.
Sorry about your friendship, OP. Fifteen years is a long time. But she's behaved really badly. And it sounds like she's a bit of a stropper anyway, TBH, getting angry if people can't make her birthday drinks etc. Maybe you're better off out.

Pipsquiggle · 31/01/2022 16:56

@PurpleDaisies

Because most of us do when we have babies after our friends. We realise how bloody hard parenting is - both emotionally and practically.
If she doesn't, she's probably veering onto psychopathic tenancies.

whynotwhatknot · 31/01/2022 16:56

I havent had dc but im not thick enough to demand people leave their children whatever their age if they dont want to

Pipsquiggle · 31/01/2022 16:57

*tendancies

Tsuni · 31/01/2022 17:03

Don't go to the wedding at all. Your "friend" is a psycho. Go NC

viques · 31/01/2022 17:08

Use the money you have saved by not going to the hen do, not going to the wedding, not buying outfits and presents etc to treat yourself to something special.

AlternativePerspective · 31/01/2022 17:12

It’s a sad fact that if you’ve had to postpone a wedding 3 times in the past two years, some of the people who were meant to be involved in the first wedding will have had life changes which mean they potentially can’t be there in the same way any more.

No it’s not her fault that her wedding had to be postponed, but people were perfectly within their rights to make their own life changes in the meantime which meant they might not have been able to be involved in the wedding in the same way.

yes it might be disappointing but the OP did nothing wrong by dropping out of being a bridesmaid. It happens, and truth is that friend should have been more open to the likelihood she wasn’t going to get the exact wedding she’d thought she would be having two years ago.

It’s her loss, and I would definitely tell mutual friends why she’s blocked you,and then I would move on with your life.

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2022 17:14

@Heyahun

I mean i will go anyway as I want to see my parents so it's not the end of the world

I am flying in on the Saturday - the Wedding is on Monday

The Wedding is located in the Countryside - my partents live a 2 hour drive from the venue - hence whay I mean about not being able to travel down to the wedding the day before

She has stated there are absolutley no children including babies...

Tbh I was looking forward to a day on our own at the Wedding and having my Mum babysit for us - I haven't been out much since she was born.

Such a mad situation - She does have form for this - gets so angry if someone can't make her birthday drinks for example - but i just can't believe she has gone to this extreme

Hopefully if she has babies one day she will either be mortified at her behaviour or she'll be treated the same by someone.

Me? I'd have to tell her what I thought. I'd wait till after the wedding as I'm not that much of a bitch, but she'd get a letter spelling out her selfishness and unreasonableness and exactly why she was no loss as a friend.
And I hope some others tell her the same thing.
She's no friend so no real loss

Kite22 · 31/01/2022 17:15

Yanbu but I can see why someone would be upset if their friend said they didn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore. It sounds like a no win situation for you both sadly.

That's not exactly what happened though, is it?
In the 3 years or whatever it has been since OP was asked, and accepted the role of bridesmaid, life has changed completely. Despite everything being a whole heap more complicated now (due to nobody's fault, just the fact that life has moved on). OP has still booked tickets home (presumably getting the baby a passport and all the hassle of that), has made arrangements for childcare and transport (despite it not being local to where he parents live), is prepared to do that traveling, and to leave her baby as the bride wants no children there - which is absolutely fine, her choice - BUT the bride is still putting further demands on her, that she can't meet. So therefore, the OP said that she would step down from the bridesmaid role if the bride wanted someone to do other, additional things that the OP can't make.
OP hasn't just said "I don't want to do it" she has said she can't do the additional things.

Pamlar · 31/01/2022 17:16

Glad you're going anyway. Hope you have a lovely time. You could still go out for the day and leave the baby, to get some alone time.
The bride is being ridiculous, immature and quite vile. I would block her and not look back. Pathetic behaviour from a grown woman.

Eightiesfan · 31/01/2022 17:22

Bridezilla is so self absorbed she cannot see past her own needs. You are better well rid of such a cruel, thoughtless friend.

JudgeJ · 31/01/2022 17:29

@blacksax

Blimey, how much more unreasonable can you get? Just tell her to take her wedding and stuff it where the sun don't shine..

And save on the cost of a wedding present!

I'm mid 70s and have seen and/or been involved in a lot of weddings in that time as you may imagine. When did they become such a source of argument, falling out, bridezilla foot-stampiing? It used to be if you couldn't make it, you'd just say sorry, can't make it, have a lovely day. I often feel very sorry for the grooms in these weddings, if the woman you're planning ion spending the rest of your life with can get so unreasonable, he should run a mile!

appleturnovers · 31/01/2022 17:36

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I'd say she's finding it difficult to understand why you can't leave your 15 month old child at home. She's not exclusively breastfeed if she's on solids as well. If she knows people who've done it before it can be perplexing as to why everyone else can, but at the end of the day it's your choice. I think for some people it's harder to accept that everyone has different and diverse parenting decisions when you havnt had a child yet.

It's worth remembering that a lot of Covid babies have never been babysat AT ALL, let alone for two nights. It's probably also fair to assume OPs parents haven't seen much of the baby since she was born due to Covid travel restrictions. All of this means that leaving her for two nights will probably be very stressful for all concerned regardless of breastfeeding or not.

Then again, I don't think we can expect any sort of sense or reason from someone who wanted their friend to fly with her baby a week after her due date.

AngelinaFibres · 31/01/2022 17:36

@Beginit

As the saying goes when someone shows you their true colours, believe them the first time.

She has form for it. That's who she is. You are well rid.

Exactly this. Spend time with your parents , enjoy some freetime when they look after your baby and leave the former friend to her drama. Friends come and go. Let this friendship fade away.When she has a baby she will realise how demanding she has been.

CrymeaRvr · 31/01/2022 17:39

Some people
Lose all perspective when it comes to weddings. She look back on this one day with embarrassment.

Wotagain · 31/01/2022 17:39

Genuine question, when did brides start needing undivided attention from their bridesmaids, in order to get married?
Admittedly I got married years ago, and had 2 bridesmaids, only one got changed at my parent's house as she'd had to travel quite a distance that morning, but the other, my best friend of years and years, met me at the church gate.
As a grown up, I was perfectly capable of getting myself ready.
I get it's a mini pre wedding party, but what do brides actually need their 'maids' to do?

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