Lost a friend over her wedding :(

[Heyahun]

Awkward one - friend had to reschedule her wedding several times due to Covid! In the 3 years since she got engaged my circumstances have changed (I have a small baby)
I am a Bridesmaid

The last wedding was planned for a week after my due date - so I declined ( the wedding is in a different Country - where we are both from)

She was very upset with me that I said we couldn't go and had zero understaning of the situation - even saying well fly over with the baby when it's born and take it to the wedding (baby was actually 10 days over so no I couldn't have gone!)

Then it got moved to May of this year - so YAY we can go!

I arranged for my Mum to look after our baby for the day - said we would travel down morning of the wedding and my Dad kindly offered to collect us that night and take us back to theirs.

She said I have to be there the day before .. I can't go the day before as my baby is exclusively breastfed so really I can only leave her for the day not overnight

I was getting stressed about being a bridesmaid so I met up with her and said i would be happier to attend as a guest as I feel I can't give the role of Bridesmaid the attention it needs and I can't be there the day before etc

well she blocked me that day, removed me from the hen whatsapp group and now im wondering whats going on!

Have i been an awful friend? am I now no longer invited?

I've already booked flights and time off work so I am a bit miffed tbh

What a bridezilla!! Send a card with the invoices for your expenses in it. She is a cf indeed.

Fucking hell, she’s awful. She wanted you to fly around your due date?! I’ve heard it all now! I’m actually very sympathetic to brides when their friends’ childcare means they can’t be there in the way they would be if they were child free, and can see why your friend would be privately gutted you couldn’t go. But I would expect anyone with a shred of reason, or concern for you, to say please don’t worry about it, good luck with the birth and can’t wait to catch up soon or whatever.

Then this time round you’ve made a big effort to be available on the day childfree and rather than being appreciative, she’s moved the goalposts and blocking you. Did she sound supportive when you got pregnant? Sounds like she is determined to make an issue of you having a child.

@Continentalmama

She was obviously ridiculous about the first wedding and the way she has reacted but I don't understand why you can't go the night before? How old will your baby be? If you're leaving the baby for the entire day then presumably baby takes a bottle so I don't understand why one night makes a difference? Or is it because you don't want to be away from your baby for a night? In which case is it possible to bring your parents with you to stay near the venue? The only time I've been bridesmaids is for very very close friends and nothing short of an unforeseeable disaster would make me miss their wedding day.

Dunno about other women but missing a couple of feeds made my boobs explode. Very sore, very painful. Though could be managed by hiding somewhere to express for an hour.

Enjoy your time with your Mum and Dad, go out for a meal while they look after her!

I would leave her overnight but not for 2 nights is what im saying!

If i had to go to the wedding the day before that would be 2 nights

My parents agreed to look after her overnight and then out of nowhere the Bride said I was requried the night before

I get that she will be 15 months old and is able to be left - but i woudln't leave her 2 nights yet thats just how I feel - maybe its over the top!

Anyway i'm feeling now like I'll just let it go - let her phase me out and move on I can't be bothered witht he drama of it - don't want to fight with her or anything so i will just go home and make that a little holiday

Thanks all - surprised most people didn't think i was inthe wrong tbh

@Eddielzzard

I wonder if she'll look back if she has her own DC and think 'OMG I was horrible.' or whether she will still be the centre of the world. Anyway, I think you have had a lucky escape.

This isn't a 'people without kids' thing, this is a 'people who are arseholes' thing.

@Heyahun You're not a bad friend she is! Sounds to me like she's having a tantrum because you wouldn't cave in to her demands. I'd just walk away from it all and focus on other friendships rather than a bitch like her. I cut out a toxic friend after 11 years of friendship and it was hard at first and she tried every trick in the book to minimise her nasty behaviour including blaming me when excuses didn't work I just ignored her and she got the message eventually. Your friend has shown you her true colours so take her at face value and walk away, if she contacts you just ignore her she made the choice to cut you out don't let her draw you back in because she'll treat you badly especially if she thinks you'll let her keep doing it. Friendships are a two way street and if it makes you feel shit its not a friendship people like your friend burn through relationships and friendships because people get fed up of their spiteful ways.

I don't get the fuss brides make over bridesmaids. Why do they feel like a bridesmaid needs to give up every waking moment in the six months leading up to thr wedding?

It's only a wedding. And weddings are only truly important to the bridal couple. No wedding takes precedence over your friends' babies; most mothers don't like to leave them when they're very small and anyone with even the slightest degree of insight knows this. Fair enough if the couple don't want to invite them: their call. They don't get to dictate every nuance as to how you accommodate your child's needs whilst complying with their wish.

Weddings! I'm beginning to think they're like the COVID pandemic: one brief window in certain people's lives where they get to tell everyone else what to do. OP: you're well rid. Who needs it, eh?

[quote WickedWitchOfTheEast87]@Heyahun You're not a bad friend she is! Sounds to me like she's having a tantrum because you wouldn't cave in to her demands. I'd just walk away from it all and focus on other friendships rather than a bitch like her. I cut out a toxic friend after 11 years of friendship and it was hard at first and she tried every trick in the book to minimise her nasty behaviour including blaming me when excuses didn't work I just ignored her and she got the message eventually. Your friend has shown you her true colours so take her at face value and walk away, if she contacts you just ignore her she made the choice to cut you out don't let her draw you back in because she'll treat you badly especially if she thinks you'll let her keep doing it. Friendships are a two way street and if it makes you feel shit its not a friendship people like your friend burn through relationships and friendships because people get fed up of their spiteful ways.[/quote]
Quite right. Remember that old maxim: 'friendships are like farts. If you have to force it, it's probably shit'.

I think the sadness of postponing over and over again has got to her and she's clearly lost all sense of reason. You are not being unreasonable at all.

She’d probably have a hissy fit if you got breast milk on your dress !

She is the one who is being a rubbish friend. I think you dodged a bullet there.

I can understand her being hurt that you backed out of being her bridesmaid, I think anyone would be in that situation. It might have been better to explain that you couldn’t leave the baby the night before and then ask her if she still wanted you to be BM to put the decision on her.

But it’s done now, she’s reacted badly, so leave her to it.

What a spiteful, childish, brattish ex-friend you have. Better off without her. It's a shame, but you know the true her now. Bet you have had these incidents on smaller scales in the past, too.

@LethargicActress

I can understand her being hurt that you backed out of being her bridesmaid, I think anyone would be in that situation. It might have been better to explain that you couldn’t leave the baby the night before and then ask her if she still wanted you to be BM to put the decision on her.

But it’s done now, she’s reacted badly, so leave her to it.

Yes, I agree with this.

I think it's been handled wrong by both parties.

If she hasn’t got a baby herself.. just wait until she does and then you will get your apology!

@User310

If she hasn’t got a baby herself.. just wait until she does and then you will get your apology!

I wish people wouldn’t make this sort of statement.

This is not about who has kids and who doesn’t. It’s about who cares about and listens to their friends and who doesn’t.

@MarielVanArkleStinks I've been there myself and learned the hard way now I have firm boundaries in place now and if anyone shows the signs of being toxic I withdraw and walk away its not worth the hassle

YANBU. She sounds very self-centred. I don't see what more you could possibly do.

You sound totally lovely OP your friend is an idiot. Hopefully she will come to her senses and realise what a cow she is being and apologise profusely before the wedding but if not i would say you are well rid. Take what you would have spent on the day Drinks etc and have a lovely day out with your folks

She’s a selfish bint, OP. Good riddance.

@User310

If she hasn’t got a baby herself.. just wait until she does and then you will get your apology!

Really not sure why.

From what I can tell, the OP has decided she doesn't want to be bridesmaid anymore, because of her own issues, not the brides.

The bride is disappointed, which I think is understandable. I don't see how her having kids at some point would change this?

You don't need friends like her. Enjoy seeing your parents and showing them your baby.

You haven't lost a friend.
She has casually tossed one away!
More fool her