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Original poster

Delicate issue of pubescent young daughter and sleeveless dress.

104 replies

Riversguidebook · 12/04/2019 13:44

Well this is one I haven’t read before!

My daughter is almost 12 but thankfully still not self conscious enough yet to worry about leg and underarm hair. She has very dark hair, lots of it and very long, especially underarm.

Her dress is 3/4 length so she may or may not wear tights on the day too, despite the inevitable summer heat.

Her bridesmaid dress is sleeveless, and it will be too hot to wear a short sleeve bolero type cardigan in the summer.

I haven’t discussed the underarm hair with her, but should I?
As soon as one of her similar age cousins notices, she might become embarrassed and instantly self conscious, and it’s a shame because it’s kind of like the cheques in the post on this.

I remember my own mother laughing at me and calling me beardy in front of the family when she first noticed my underarm hair about the same age, and I’m trying to ensure my own daughter doesn’t suffer the same sort of humiliation.

What do you think?

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 12/04/2019 13:48

What would I do? i'd buy her a razor.... or offer to veet it for her. Underarms definitely, not so sure about her legs.

BitchPeas · 12/04/2019 13:50

Do you have underarm/leg hair or do you shave it?

Can you be very matter of fact about it so she gets into the habit now? Show her what you do and tell her to do it as summer is coming and lots of underarm hair and sweat don’t mix?

mookinsx · 12/04/2019 13:50

Maybe buy her a bundle of bits. A razor and hair removal cream. Maybe a deodorant and body spray and sanitary wear as well so it isn't focused on the hair. I'm sure she will appreciate you giving her the tools now rather than later and two options in case shaving isn't for her.

As a teen I think my mum showed me twice and then I just got on with it. But we were due to go on a family holiday and I had a sleeveless maxi dress and mum showed me. Was slightly embarrassed as I was a teen and it's puberty, a normal reaction.

3dogs2cats · 12/04/2019 13:52

I think I would say that it’s up to her whether she goes in for hair removal, but that most people would for a bridesmaid gig...

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2019 13:53

Ask her. She is old enough to have an opinion that should be respected. Tell her it's all good either way, say you've noticed she has under arm hair, some people keep, some remove, what's her preference.

Her opinion is more valid than a bunch of strangers in the Internet.

Original poster
Riversguidebook · 12/04/2019 14:11

mookinsx yes I did that about a year ago a bundle of stuff like razors, pads, etc in a washbag.

I think I’ll just mention that she might want to shave or veet the underarm hair ‘just for the day’ as it will be less sweaty, and will grow back, if that’s what she prefers.

I was a single parent most of their lives, and they used to sit in the salon opposite the bed when I was having everything waxed off so she’s probably matter of fact about it and I’m worried about nothing !

OP posts:
BirdsAndBlips · 12/04/2019 14:16

Would you be happy with a DD with dark underarm hairs showing?
Because it might be what we're talking about here.
It's her body her choice, in 2019 we can also teach our DDs about body acceptance. I think you're a being a bit unreasonable projecting your shame on her.
(Yes I know it's scary)

Ohnononono · 12/04/2019 14:23

Yes that sounds like a good approach. I got DD an electric razor for underarm hair but haven’t made a massive deal about it. I said it was up to her and she forgets a lot of the time but I guess in summer she’ll be more aware.
If I was a teenager I think I would much prefer if if my mum said something to me rather than as you say on the day feeling embarrassed when a cousin noticed.

TheyKnewIWasTrouble · 12/04/2019 14:24

My daughter is 11 and proudly displays her hairy pits. She says she'll shave them one day, but not today.

I quite like this approach.

Teaandtoastie · 12/04/2019 14:28

I would do nothing. It’s lovely that she’s not bothered and long may it continue! If you suggest that she might want to shave it she will suddenly think there is something wrong with it.

mookinsx · 12/04/2019 19:26

A lot of comments suggesting you will make her self conscious. I personallly would rather be made self conscious by a heart felt comment from my mother than a comment from a relative who doesn't agree with things that are becoming more of a norm.
Yes she can make any choice she wants. But all I see from your post OP is a concerned mother not wanting anyone to upset her DD

If you're not sure how/If to bring it up take her shopping with you and casually bring up you need a new razor or what not to shave for the wedding and does she want a new one too? IMO Then you're saying want and showing her she has a choice

CountFosco · 12/04/2019 19:32

I would leave her alone if she's happy at the moment. She goes to school and changes for gym. She'll be aware that some girls shave and some don't. If her cousins say anything they should be reminded that underarm hair is completely normal and natural and does not make you smell or sweat more (I know, I haven't shaved my underarms for years) and women can chose to shave or not.

InterchangeableEmma · 12/04/2019 19:50

I think it's best to let these things resolve naturally TBH. The weather will warm up soon. If you make sure she has some sleeveless tops/dresses for everyday wear then the armpit 'issue' will probably arise on its own. As long as the communication between you is open she'll probably talk to you about it.

Even though female body hair is normal most people are pretty weird about it. Openly so. It should absolutely be her choice and it should be a (gently) informed choice.

MeMeMeYou · 12/04/2019 19:54

I’m sorry n a similar situ except my daughter doesn’t have a lot of hair under arms just a bit. I bought a little electric razor a few months back saying it was for me but she could borrow. Ore recently I said (white lie) I didn’t know if she had underarm hair but might like me to remove it if she felt self conscious esp if she planned to do arm waving dance moves at the wedding. Also said it’s a choice and some ppl say less sweaty smelling if you shave it. I said if she wanted to I’d help if she preferred and she said she’d like that

MeMeMeYou · 12/04/2019 19:55

Ah typos - I’m in a similar situ! Not I’m sorry!

PacmansGapingMaw · 12/04/2019 19:59

My daughter is 11 and proudly displays her hairy pits. She says she'll shave them one day, but not today.

Your daughter is a boss!

Whitechocandraspberry · 12/04/2019 20:04

First of all I would definitely not have my daughter going to a wedding in a sleeveless dress with hairy pits. Absolute no no for me I’m afraid.

I would however approach it sensitively OP. You know your daughter so you will know how to do that in a way in which she will not be offended/embarrassed

dancemom · 12/04/2019 20:11

@TheyKnewIWasTrouble mine too!

She's 13, shaves once in a blue moon but the rest of the time tells me she's being European!

PacmansGapingMaw · 12/04/2019 20:13

I would definitely not have my daughter going to a wedding in a sleeveless dress with hairy pits. Absolute no no for me I’m afraid.

Do you mind if I ask why? What does armpit hair mean for you?

exWifebeginsat40 · 12/04/2019 20:15

my DD has never removed body hair. for prom she rocked a bodycon dress and leg hair. she is awesome.

let your DD decide.

Teddybear45 · 12/04/2019 20:21

How would the bride feel about bridesmaid with thick dark underarm / leg hair showing? The last thing you want is your DD being sidelined or photoshopped out of pictures. In my opinion at 12 I think she’s old enough for you to discuss this frankly.

Kaddm · 12/04/2019 20:24

Get a razor and ask her if she wants to shave under her arms. My dd started shaving under her arms at 10yo whilst in shower.

Whitechocandraspberry · 12/04/2019 20:27

It looks awful and would potentially be ridiculed. Might get more attention than the brides dress. Then again may go unnoticed....
I am the type who would think to myself oh why did her mum let her go out like that. FWIW I would not say anything but I would feel like her mother hadn’t educated her. I am however horrified at OPs mother laughing at her. Bloody awful!!

stucknoue · 12/04/2019 20:28

I bought mine electric razors at that age, very simple and safe, not as good quality "finish" as wax or wet shave but fine for a 12 year old not bothered.

rachelfrost · 12/04/2019 20:28

I think you need know why your daughter would remove her body hair.

She’s prepubescent so no need to conform to social norms about what is sexually desirable. Again because she is prepubescent, she’s not sweating loads. So I can’t see a good reason for her to remove her hair given that the worst case scenario is a wedding attendee notices a girl has hair on her legs or under her arms. Plus it’s likely no one would notice.

This is a good opportunity to work out what you think about this and have some chats with her about how you remove hair and why people remove hair etc. It’s a tricky topic, not just about sex but race too. In the plus side, you can talk frankly with prepubescent children without them getting embarrassed so now’s the time!