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Original poster

Delicate issue of pubescent young daughter and sleeveless dress.

104 replies

Riversguidebook · 12/04/2019 13:44

Well this is one I haven’t read before!

My daughter is almost 12 but thankfully still not self conscious enough yet to worry about leg and underarm hair. She has very dark hair, lots of it and very long, especially underarm.

Her dress is 3/4 length so she may or may not wear tights on the day too, despite the inevitable summer heat.

Her bridesmaid dress is sleeveless, and it will be too hot to wear a short sleeve bolero type cardigan in the summer.

I haven’t discussed the underarm hair with her, but should I?
As soon as one of her similar age cousins notices, she might become embarrassed and instantly self conscious, and it’s a shame because it’s kind of like the cheques in the post on this.

I remember my own mother laughing at me and calling me beardy in front of the family when she first noticed my underarm hair about the same age, and I’m trying to ensure my own daughter doesn’t suffer the same sort of humiliation.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Snowdropheaven · 12/04/2019 20:34

I started to shave at 12. I think tackling it now will avoid any embarrassment.

keepforgettingmyusername · 12/04/2019 20:36

Kaz Cooke has a great book for girls that age. Could be worth giving her a copy then discussing what she wants to do about body hair after she's read it.
www.amazon.co.uk/Rough-Guide-Girl-Stuff/dp/1848360185

DM1209 · 12/04/2019 20:42

I have an 11 year old daughter, soon to be 12. We are in FULL amazonian jungle mode with her, pits, legs you name it! I have never and will never talk to her about hair removal until SHE notices it. We have a very open relationship, she brings me all of her questions (latest asking what porn is after being told by a boy from school to Google it, instead she came and asked me) and I answer them truthfully. I know she will become aware of her body hair at some point but I won't expedite the process because I want her to make her own choices based on her own perception and not one based on what society/media deems is acceptable.

I absolutely ensure her hygiene is top priority in terms of teaching her about self care but beyond that, we leave her body as is. To balance out other people's issues with her body hair and prepare her should someone make a comment, I keep talking to her about making choices that suit her opinions and feelings, not those of others.

I have 2 friends at the moment dealing with the same thing. 1 is forcing, literally forcing, her 12 year old daughter to shave between her legs before their holiday so she doesn't look scruffy 'down there'. Her daughter doesn't want to do it.

The other is taking her 10 year old to get her upper lip waxed (light skin dark hair) before she starts secondary school because otherwise her daughter will not fit in.

Please allow your daughter to flow as she feels is right for her because they have the rest of their lives for this crap. They're still young children in my eyes.

Hawkmoth · 12/04/2019 20:47

I used Veet on my underarms once. It burned. Also did not work so I had
to shave the burnt skin.

Raspberry88 · 12/04/2019 20:54

FWIW I would not say anything but I would feel like her mother hadn’t educated her.

Educated???

DM1209

Excellent comment.

CountFosco · 12/04/2019 22:06

First of all I would definitely not have my daughter going to a wedding in a sleeveless dress with hairy pits. Absolute no no for me I’m afraid.

As a proud owner of au natural body hair myself I'd wear a sleeveless top myself to keep her company.

Whitechocandraspberry · 12/04/2019 22:09

Fair enough, but you’d be on your own I’m aftaid!!

Ohyesiam · 12/04/2019 22:20

Or you could ask your daughter if she’d like you to show solidarity by going to the wedding unshaven in a sleeveless dress.
You could both dance with your arms in the air all night.

Seriously though, some people are talking as though pit hair is malignant.

Applesbananaspears · 12/04/2019 22:24

I’d suggest she shave them. If she says no then fair enough but I would certainly suggest and offer to help her

Bobbybobbins · 12/04/2019 22:31

My mum never spoke to me about body hair so I got the piss taken on a school trip when I was 12 and promptly shaved my underarm hair. Sounds naive but I never even realised people did that!

Whitechocandraspberry · 12/04/2019 23:10

Exactly

BaronessBomburst · 12/04/2019 23:15

I wanted to shave at that age but DM wouldn't let me.
Eventually I pinched my dad's razor. Sad

TooStressyTooMessy · 12/04/2019 23:18

I’d speak to her and see what she wants to do. If she doesn’t want to remove the hair then that is fine of course. She may want to though.

I was too embarrassed to ask for help with shaving and didn’t really understand how it all worked. Eventually I asked my mum for help but it would have been much less embarrassment all round if she had asked me well before that.

Bunnylady53 · 12/04/2019 23:22

So sorry your Mum humiliated you like that, OP.

moofolk · 12/04/2019 23:30

I started shaving before there was anything to shave, hoping I'd cut myself slightly and people would think I was more developed that i really was!

Now however I don't shave and love my hairy pits. I'm a bit - but only a bit - surprised at the amount of posters on this thread who hate the idea of female body hair though. I think it's really sad that we are bringing yet another generation of girls up to be so self conscious of, and therefore unhappy with, their own bodies.

cushellekoala · 12/04/2019 23:34

How would the bride feel about bridesmaid with thick dark underarm / leg hair showing? The last thing you want is your DD being sidelined or photoshopped out of pictures. In my opinion at 12 I think she’s old enough for you to discuss this frankly

Really??? Myself and DD (12) were bridesmaids last year. The bride chose hairstyles, dress colour/style, shoe colour, bouquet and several other demands....but not arm pit style!! I think DD might have had some hair but it wasn't a distraction. (I would have defuzzed anyway as it was summer/sleeveless dress) Funnily enough there were no close up pics of our pits!!

Whitechocandraspberry · 12/04/2019 23:35

I’m bringing my kids up to be happy with their bodies. Girls will not be going about with armpit hair or elsewhere untrimmed in s bikini or the likes. What they do as an adult is up to them but I wouldn’t be on a sunlounger next to them if they were hairy. Also wouldn’t be doing the YMCA with them at a wedding if they had hairy pits!!! Would sit at a separate table

Hotterthanahotthing · 12/04/2019 23:42

My DD wanted to shave at 10,I kept her waiting until she was 12.Now at 15 she shaves in summer and goes au naturel in winter.

LovelyJubbly67 · 12/04/2019 23:43

On the wedding day everyone's attention should be on the bride, not a bridesmaid.

GreasyFryUp · 12/04/2019 23:52

@Whitechocandraspberry how are you bringing them up to be happy with their bodies if you are dictating what they must do with them? Imposing YOUR standards on them rather than letting them choose?

Whitechocandraspberry · 13/04/2019 00:00

I’m only dictating in terms of body hair on show at social gatherings. They agree

Namenic · 13/04/2019 00:08

Don’t have a dd, but I would advise her to shave for the wedding (and help her) to avoid making waves. We all do special things for weddings - like I don’t wear my usual jeans and trainers; because this is what is expected. If in doubt ask the bride what she would prefer.

I do wax when I am in a swim suit or sleeveless but don’t otherwise. I don’t wax legs often as not thick hair. I personally think it looks better, but it is a bit of an anomaly as I don’t wear make up or otherwise make a huge effort with what i’m Wearing.

Chocmallows · 13/04/2019 00:08

I showed my 12 year old daughter how to shave and she watched some YouTube videos. We both would have long dark hair, but shave so it's off or short. It just feels nicer and looks fresher.

Gooseysgirl · 13/04/2019 00:11

I would have a chat with her about it. I talk to my 7 year old daughter about it because she sees me shaving/getting waxed and is curious. I just say to her that I like to be hair free under my arms but that it'll be entirely up to her when the time comes what she prefers to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

CountFosco · 13/04/2019 06:54

I have 2 friends at the moment dealing with the same thing. 1 is forcing, literally forcing, her 12 year old daughter to shave between her legs before their holiday so she doesn't look scruffy 'down there'. Her daughter doesn't want to do it.

That is horrific. The child is 12. When does she plan to allow her child to have bodily autonomy?