Delicate issue of pubescent young daughter and sleeveless dress.

[Riversguidebook]

Well this is one I haven’t read before!

My daughter is almost 12 but thankfully still not self conscious enough yet to worry about leg and underarm hair. She has very dark hair, lots of it and very long, especially underarm.

Her dress is 3/4 length so she may or may not wear tights on the day too, despite the inevitable summer heat.

Her bridesmaid dress is sleeveless, and it will be too hot to wear a short sleeve bolero type cardigan in the summer.

I haven’t discussed the underarm hair with her, but should I?
As soon as one of her similar age cousins notices, she might become embarrassed and instantly self conscious, and it’s a shame because it’s kind of like the cheques in the post on this.

I remember my own mother laughing at me and calling me beardy in front of the family when she first noticed my underarm hair about the same age, and I’m trying to ensure my own daughter doesn’t suffer the same sort of humiliation.

What do you think?

exWife That’s fabulous. I wish more of us had the guts to do this.I think people would rather swap gender than be seen with hair in the “wrong” places.

However I would get her to shave it off just blame it on the bride. Say she needs everyone looking the same including hair, make up and grooming.Its an event,that’s not about her and you need avoid any chance of attention not being on the bride. Weddings are one big throwback anyway which you can discuss whilst defending your position ( which we don’t really agree with).

Will your mother be at the wedding OP? Because if she will I would warn your daughter. To be honest I would have the chat anyway, just say that it is an individual's choice but some people are idiots and may say or think something. But then point out that there are plenty of things where, like with this, whatever you do will be criticised by some. If you don't shave it's bad, if you do you're letting other people's opinions take over. Lose lose!

We all bring our kids up to conform to our ideals. It’s the way it works. I promote self care in my children which includes cleanliness and attending social functions washed dressed and looking presentable. I wouldn’t want them going with dirty faces, dirty clothes, crushed clothes, unbrushed unstyled hair. This includes hairpit hair on show. If they were not in sleeveless clothing this would not be an issue at all. If my daughter, who Is now an adult at 18 years old was wearing a tracksuit and trainers to a wedding I would be concerned. If she was wearing a strapless number with hairy pits on show I would be horrified. I would say wtf is that? If she chose to flash her hairy pits with pride she would tell me to fuck off. It’s her decision. Something I would be comfortable with and in agreement with? No. Absolutely not. Would I be comfortable lying next to her on a sunlounger in the same unkempt state? No.

I have brought my children up to be kind and caring. They are wonderful. Some things are socially acceptable and some things are less so. Some people love to be different and to not conform. Good luck to them.

At 11 years old a bit of guidance is needed. In my opinion very few could deal this without it. If my friend came and told me her 11 year old daughter had been bullied at school swimming due to hairy bits I would be horrified that she had allowed her child to go to school in that state with the potential or likelihood for bullying. If said child was one of the bullies I would be horrified if my friend didn’t seriously reprimand for such behaviour. My children are well aware that some people are comfortable with body hair on show. I am not one of those people. In due course they will decide whether they are or not. Will they get bullied by me? No. Will they get ridiculed if they are hanging it all out on a beach holiday? Yes!!! Will they be able to deal with me tell me to get lost and not have a care in the world. Definitely. At 11? No

I have never forced my children to do anything. Oh yes sorry I have. They have to eat, they have to wash daily, they have to brush their teeth, they had to be learn to pee in a toilet, they had to learn how to drink out of a cup. I didn’t give babies a choice with regards to breast or bottle. I decided where they would sleep. I decide where we are going on holiday. I decided what they were going to wear. Kids are all happy with my decisions thus far. These are choices I made for them!! Some with consultation. Some without. At 11 I will be helping make that choice for my daughter. Yes. Forced - no.

Whitechocandraspberry

I do agree that we make decisions for children when they are younger, but can you not see that having body hair is not going to effect them in any way? Why was it so important that your children were hairless? I'm sorry but your attitude towards your DD's when they were young teens probably affected them much more than you think. That period is crucial in teaching them to be comfortable in their own skins including hair. The fact that you seem to say as adults they can do what they want, seems to suggest you think then they will make their own choices? Have you thought maybe you destroyed their self esteem so they feel they have to look a certain way whether they are truly happy with it or not.

This post really fucking depresses me. The idea of 11 year olds being forced to shave their pubes because their parents have told them to is one of the saddest things I've heard.

It's shit like this that does make me glad I've had boys. Boys are allowed to look like what they should do naturally. God fucking forbid a girl looks like she should do naturally. The worst part of this post is its other women forcing other women to look a certain way.

Nope I do not

If she was wearing a strapless number with hairy pits on show I would be horrified.

But why? Why does it matter so much to you? What's so horrifying about it?

I don’t like it. Simple really

i would be a bit pissed off if the photographer was zooming in on a young bridesmaids legs or armpits instead of taking normal photos!!

Why on earth would a wedding photographer be zooming in on a child's armpits

Some horrifying attitudes on here. Really, way to give your kids a complex and encourage the porn-star child-like nature of women's bodies.

And since when does hair = stinky sweat? Wash, use deodorant. No smell. How do males manage? Or is everyone also encouraging their teenage boys to shave their pits?

I don’t like it. Simple really

Nah. Not liking something is different to being horrified by it. I might not like my child's hairstyle or choice of clothes. Wouldn't be embarrassed to sit next to them. That's more deep seated.

I'd tie it in with hair and make up and nail varnish for a special day and special outfit.

The PP's friend forcing her 12 year old daughter to shave her pubic hair is horrifying. Nobody should be staring at the pubic region of a 12-year-old in a swimsuit, anyway.

OP's daughter should have the choice of whether to remove the hair or not - which she does. That's it. There's nothing wrong with body hair. Having body hair isn't the same as wearing dirty clothes or not brushing your teeth.

Maybe I haven’t appreciated the full extent of the hairiness of some people. I only had about three and a bit years of school when this might have been noticed in sport but had anorexia for the last two, which I forgot is a great method of hair removal, except you grow sort of fluff on your arms.

We all bring our kids up to conform to our ideals. It’s the way it works

We also recognise that our kids will grow up and have their own ideals - but most of us would not be repulsed...

@furrytoebean

It's not about bloody photographs. It's about people staring and pointing, which sadly some of them will.

It's about people staring and pointing, which sadly some of them will.

At armpit hair???

They should get a life then.

I've kept my armpits hairy since I was about 15 and I honestly have never noticed people pointing and staring.

If she wants to remove the hair that's totally fine, but if people can't get over a woman having armpit hair then that says way more about the fact they're arseholes and shouldn't be taken seriously anyway.

I think you are allowed to have some flexibility though.

Any young men going to the wedding will be expected to shave off their fluff because it looks “smart”. Being groomed is just part of going to someone else’s big day.

I don’t think teens need to be shaving of either sex. I’d be a bit upset if my teen decided to shave his chest for example because it’s pointless vanity. However as a very hairy woman I do feel a personal benefit to shaving my pits and waxing my bits. I wouldn’t want to say to anyone don’t remove hair because that’s as judgy.

*Why on earth would a wedding photographer be zooming in on a child's armpits hmm

Some horrifying attitudes on here. Really, way to give your kids a complex and encourage the porn-star child-like nature of women's bodies.

And since when does hair = stinky sweat? Wash, use deodorant. No smell. How do males manage? Or is everyone also encouraging their teenage boys to shave their pits?*
I think you have misunderstood me, I completely don't think a child of 11 or 12 should feel compelled to remove any bodily hair unless they choose to.
I was trying to make the point how ridiculous it was that pp are saying that a bit of arm pit hair will ruin or even be visible on photographs!!
Unless you had a really weird photographer (which is highly unlikely)

And I completely disagree with Whitechocandraspberry who equates not shaving under arms to turning up with a dirty face or dirty clothes!! seriously??

Yes seriously

Ultimately, some people still believe that body hair on women is dirty, but not so on men. The truth is that it's only dirty if you don't wash.

Everything else is unimpacting preference, and one person not liking it is not a reason for another person to stop.

I used to shave my armpits secretly when I was that age, using my stepdad's razor. I used to dance and felt very self-conscious about my hair. I would have LOVED if my mum had gotten me a hygiene bag/gift with my own razors etc, unfortunately she was very weird about it. She has never shaved her armpits (I say never but I think she got an infection once and then was too scared after) and her leg hair doesn't grow so just assumed that I wouldn't want to either. I have no problem with other women deciding not to shave, I actually thoroughly support it but I have to do it because I'm a very sweaty person and I do notice it smells stronger if not shaved and my hair does actually grow, unlike my mother's. So yes, I would support my DD in any decision but definitely give her the option to shave not just ignore it.
Lovely if she refuses but I just remember having to feel embarrassed and doing it secretly so she might not.

Remember a sleeveless top wouldn’t be acceptable for men at a wedding.They win on hair but lose on a nice cool top half.
Therefore armpit hair is a non issue in this scenario.

It's not about bloody photographs. It's about people staring and pointing, which sadly some of them will.

Maybe those people need to be spoken to by DM1209 wonderful daughter. 11 year old girls should not be made to modify their appearance to please idiots who think it's acceptable to bully children.

There's a world of difference between getting a child of either age to wash and brush their hair and teeth and wear clean, ironed and smart clothes and getting a girl to wear uncomfortable heels, paint their body and remove their body hair. Can you see the gendered differences? Oh, and armpit hair and public hair exist to protect delicate skin and reduce sweating so removing them is actually harmful from a health and cleanliness viewpoint.