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Original poster

I've just returned from a week's holiday with the in-laws. Never ever ever again.

138 replies

sandyballs · 03/07/2006 13:27

I need at least another week's holiday to get over it. How I managed to stay reasonably calm and not give her a serious bollocking, I will never know. The woman is completely barking. A few examples:

  • when we arrived at our holiday cottage she was flaked out on the sofa, fanning herself, in a foul mood because she "doesn't do travelling". It was Hampshire FFS, not Australia. It was 2 hours in the car!

  • she is manically, obsessively tidy. I couldn't go for a pee without her plumping up my cushion or putting my half finished coffee in the dish washer.

  • she didn't like my DDs to get a single speck of dirt on them the entire holiday and everything had to coordinate. She would whip off a t-shirt if she saw a crumb on it. Unfortunately this wound me up so much that it made me go to the opposite extreme and I took them to quite a smart restaurant in grubby purple shorts, long stripey yellow socks, and a green t-shirt with a bit of lunch on it, just to piss her off. It worked .

  • she decided to go for a swim when we were at the beach one day, even though she can't actually swim. The result being that I had to swim out to rescue her in my shorts and t-shirt, whilst my DDs screamed hysterically at the waters edge, thinking nana was drowning. I had no other clothes with me, but MIL didn't want to go back to our cottage, she was too traumatised, so we had to sit on the beach for another 2 hours and talk about her near-miss and how she saw a white light .

  • on the last morning I wandered into the kitchen, reached for the bread and she screamed "What are you doing". "Err, having some toast", I replied. So she screamed "Noooo you're not, I've cleaned the grill", and she slapped my hand .

God I could go on and on .... it's endless. I won't bore you any more, but it's been quite therapeutic writing this.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 05/07/2006 19:38

Mashed potatoes! Now!

spangles · 05/07/2006 19:45

Maybe MIL has called round to visit sugarfree

sugarfree · 05/07/2006 20:02

Right ok...
(Background on MIL..she is a total fouterer,by that I mean she can't stop fiddling with stuff,drives me up the bloody wall.She has a mania for wiping things with damp dishcloths and moving things about,a bit like a poltergeist.Fouter,fiddle,fouter,fiddle!You get the picture.)

I have a kitchen diner and had cooked roast pork,MIL at the table as are DS1,2 and 3,DH and I have our backs to the table as he's carving meat and I'm decanting veg into serving dishes.(we like to think ourselves posh!)so potato on the table first,I go back to DH and we carry on with what we were doing.
All of a sudden ...uproar from behind us...Ds2(mr Fastidious) is screaming "I'm not eating THAT!" Ds1 is shouting "ew ew ew!" MIL is trying to shush them. "That's disgusting!" "YUK! YUK!" "I'm NOT eating that!!!!" her telling them off and trying to shush them still.
So I shout "CHILDREN!PACK IT IN WE'RE ABOUT TO EAT.WHAT ON EARTH....?"

sugarfree · 05/07/2006 20:03

The silence was me typing.LOL.

SherlockLGJ · 05/07/2006 20:05

Barking...............

Crackle · 05/07/2006 20:11

OMG.

What a headcase.

Feistybird · 05/07/2006 20:13

Sorry Sandy, but that is soooo funny! what a head case.

NotQuiteCockney · 05/07/2006 20:13

Oooh, there are some great MILs on here. Mad mad mad mad mad.

MrsJohnCusack · 05/07/2006 20:14

definitely one stop down from Dagenham!

spangles · 05/07/2006 20:42

Oooh sugarfree you sound like me when you when you said "fer fucks sake".. thats exactly the way I would say it.

aitch71 · 05/07/2006 21:02

Not that i would dare try to compete with the world class insanity that Sandyball and Sugarfree's MILs regularly display, but i am reminded of the time my MIL phoned to say that she had been to see a psychic.

Apparently the psychic had told her something about my DH that she wanted to pass on... 'I've got good news for you Aitch,' she says, 'the woman told me that he's definitely not gay'. What the..?! I told her i was thrilled to hear it. DH and i had been together for five years at that point.

Ooooh, what else? Eeerm, same conversation she tells me psychic said MIL would re-marry before end of the year. Without thinking i said, 'oh if there's going to be a wedding i'd better go on a diet so i can fit into a fancy frock'. (stupid, stupid, stupid... played right into her hands...i'm not even that fat, quite normal really.) Quick as a flash, she comes back with 'Oh Aitch, you've not put on EVEN MORE weight, have you?' Served me right, really, she's the kind of woman who says hello with a prod in the stomach and a questioning look. Even on your wedding day, as my previous story related.

ALSO, the first time i ever met her was at DH's hated step-dad's funeral. We went to the service and me and DH stayed overnight. Next morning, as we were preparing to leave she says to me 'lovely to meet you finally Aitch, i'm sorry i haven't been a very lively hostess but, you know, my husband's just died.' Quite. Any MNers know the 'modern manners' response to that? I just ran away...

Bigandburlybloke · 05/07/2006 21:10

Mine lives away so I get short sharp burst so that kind of makes it bearable.
The day she leaves I can feel my shoulders drop and my mum knows to stand by for a debrief call so I can get it all off my chest.

Bigandburlybloke · 05/07/2006 21:12

Bigandburlybloke=sugarfree btw.

I will never be able to do a name change thread,I'd out myself in seconds.

WideWebWitch · 05/07/2006 21:15

I've only read your first 3 posts and you're a bloody saint Sandyballs, she sounds a nightmare! I am finding it amusing to read though, very funny picture you've painted here!

saadia · 05/07/2006 21:15

That is just extremely weird beyond belief behaviour sugarfree, lol at mil "turning into a guilty toddler".

moondog · 05/07/2006 21:18

lol at potato saga

Blackduck · 05/07/2006 21:19

I am planning a week away with my inlaws in sept and am now wondering if I should cancel ....mine is totally normal in comparison to this...!

aitch71 · 05/07/2006 21:36

Gosh, the memories are flooding back... sorry to be posting so much but SB has really turned on a tap for me today... even if no-one reads this i am already feeling so much better...

Anyway, back at the wedding. Rome beautiful, food great, wine plentiful, so plentiful that the top table has now got to the stage where we are all playing with my friends' three year old daughter. MIL not joining in.

Three-year-old is sitting on my knee, turns to MIL and loudly asks 'What is wrong with your hair?'

MIL, leans forward, smiling, enjoying the attention: 'I don't know, little girl, what do you think is wrong with my hair?'

LG, sweetly concentrating on the question: 'Well, it's too big and it's too white.'

(MIL dyes her hair platinum blonde and has a fondness for heated rollers)

Now, that's quite funny, so everyone laughed at how cute my friends' daughter was (not to mention how acute her fashion sense). The thing is, my MIL responded by getting really huffy and said 'Well i don't know what you know about hair, look at yours, it's all messy', turned away and then FELL OUT with her for the rest of the evening. She was giving a THREE YEAR OLD dirty looks! Oh, and the thing is that she's a primary school headmistress.
Wow, this is therapeutic! thanks SB.

Crackle · 05/07/2006 21:48

I've got a strong sense of not being alone on this thread. So much so that I've just told my dh who is waiting to board a plane back from the North that he's on his own now WRT the in-laws.

Why is he flying all the way back down the country after a back-breaking 6 weeks of split-shifts? Because his dad phoned yesterday and told him that it looked like his mum has bone cancer. My dh has paid out half our savings on flights today to find out (thank God) that she has sprained her wrist lifting a planter.

I am so beyond angry at my FIL. Fucknut.

moondog · 05/07/2006 21:58

bloody hell crackle!

aitch71 · 05/07/2006 22:07

is it unsupportive of me to laugh, Crackle? that is hilarious/unbelievable/tragic/outrageous. Mental. Poor you and DH, i'd steer well clear of FIL from now on.

Crackle · 05/07/2006 22:16

I'm feeling a little more mellow now that I've cracked open my FIL's special wine. He has a case delivered here whenever they stay and then leaves some here for next time. He always knows exactly how many bottles 'should' be here and he stores them in my blanket box. Bizarre.

Anyway, I'm just not dealing with it anymore. I still smirk that he is a magistrate. If only people knew how weird he is whilst he doles out justice.

suejonez · 05/07/2006 22:18

Crackle

orangina · 05/07/2006 22:22

i am so loving this thread... thank you all for letting me go off to bed still cackling with laughter (though so sorry at the crap you seem to have to put up with, I think you are all saints...)... good night!

liath · 05/07/2006 22:23

crackle but LOVING the word fucknut .