Aibu - a bit creeped out by this?

[creepedoutbythis]

AIBU to feel a bit stalked by my DC's playgroup leader?

Bit of background. I'm in the middle of a very messy divorce with ongoing court proceedings. The court order names STBXH as the main contact with the playgroup, but there's nothing stopping me contacting them or talking to other parents. My relationship with the setting was already strained.
Yesterday I asked for some of the DC's belongings back via our nanny. The playgroup told the nanny I had to go through STBXH. I sent the leader a polite email, with my solicitor copied in, asking them not to use my nanny as a go-between.

A few hours later, the leader phoned STBXH and told him I'd been "asking parents if they're happy with the school." He then fired off an email, copying in both solicitors, saying it must stop immediately and would be reported to the court.
The reality: I've spoken privately to ONE mum, a friend, about worries over my own child. That's it. No posts, no rallying parents, nothing.
So AIBU to find it really unsettling that she seems to be keeping tabs on private conversations between parents outside the setting, and reporting them to my ex? It feels like she's monitoring who I talk to and using him to shut me up, especially as it came hours after my solicitor was copied in.

I told him it wasn’t true and laughed at him for being so controlling during a court case in writing.

Shes also done other weird things, like making passive aggressive instagram stories after I made a thoughtless comment and sending them to me, rang my ex after I complained in a group chat about behaviour there (this is why she hates me) and copied my WhatsApp profile picture down to the location and setting.

Am I overreacting, or is this as weird as it feels?

I feel a bit sorry for the playgroup, what a headache for them having to deal with solicitors of warring parents. If your ex is the contact, just contact the playgroup via him.

So it’s fine for her to be monitoring my private convos and ringing my ex to tell lies about me? Seems very unprofessional at miminum to me

How would she monitor a private convo? Has the other mum told her?

It honestly sounds like you both need to get into a room and talk. I’d guess the playgroup are finding it tough

My friend says no, and this is the bit I can’t get my head around. Idk if she mentioned it to someone else or if the leader just jumped to conclusions after hearing gossip.

OP you sound like a trouble maker

For what? Having one close friend and asking for my nanny not to be put in an awkward position? I have nothing to do with this woman. I didn’t even contact her myself, the nanny just asked for a coat when picking up dc

How on earth have you come to that conclusion?!? If what OP has stated in her post is true, the leader of this playgroup has caused the trouble and outright lied to OP’s STBEH!
I get that it’s a bit of a trend on MN to find the OP to be in the wrong no matter what, but calling her a troublemaker is going too far. She’s had one PRIVATE chat with a fellow mum friend. That’s it.

OP I sympathise, your STBEH sounds controlling and that playgroup leader is a meddling shit stirrer - unless your ex has lied about what she’s said to him???

How could she possibly monitor your private conversations? What is most likely, that she has surveillance on you, or that your friend has mentioned your conversation to her, whether by accident or not?

The leader is simply following the guidance she has been given, and you are breaking it by trying to engage with her. It may be frustrating but you are just handing your STBXH ammunition he can use against you. Pick your battles.

I would say that she isn’t monitoring your private conversations but the people you are speaking to are passing on what you say to them. They probably like the drama of your situation.

Not sure how this animosity started between you and nursery, but learn from it so that it doesn’t happen again at Primary school.

It started because I found out they were doing something illegal and got them fined

Erm... Well. Of course she shouldn't be ringing your STBX - she seems to take any criticism personally. Basically with most parents she has to just take the group chat comments and so forth, but here she sees, wrongly, someone who she can use to "tell you off". It's not appropriate.

But for goodness sake stop making "thoughtless comments", complaining in a group chat and telling them off for using the nanny as a go-between when you did the exact same thing. As someone else said, pick your battles. If this is just a playgroup and not a day nursery it's not worth it.

I’m not breaking anything that’s the thing. There’s no law against chatting to parents. Even if I had been doing what she’d been saying, isn’t that just normal chatter?

Yesterday I asked for some of the DC's belongings back via our nanny. The playgroup told the nanny I had to go through STBXH. I sent the leader a polite email, with my solicitor copied in, asking them not to use my nanny as a go-between.

You're being very unreasonable here. You asked the nanny to to something. You can't then complain about things going through her. You started it. The playgroup did exactly what they were supposed to.

Yes I agree with you its a stretch from the poster. Re the group leader. Who does that? Doesn’t she have a life? I don’t think my ex is lying, he put it in an email with both solicitors cced in. Although I would love it if she denied it!

Actually, they’re meant to communicate through my ex not my staff members if they want to be that pedantic. Which is what I asked them to do

The thoughtless comments were not offensive, and the WhatsApp comments were in a private group with one snake in it

OP if you've been complaining about the playgroup in a group chat, they probably do have you flagged as a troublemaker already. Either you were overheard speaking to this other mum or she has told someone what you said - Either way you need to be a lot more careful. It sounds like you've burned your boats here and you should leave STBXH to deal with playgroup from now on as he is their named contact.

I would reply to STBXHs email and tell him that what he's reported is not true and that it's second hand gossip. That's all you can do - in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal. Hopefully you will have custody arrangements sorted out soon and can miminise contact between the two of you.

This is a headache to follow OP. Suggest you take a big breath, step back and put the wellbeing of your kid/s front and centre from now on. Your language suggests a lot of drama - snakes, thoughtless remarks, montoring private convos, starting a huge row over a coat.

I'd imagine you're stressed off your rocker but you can be the bigger, calmer party..

Yes you are right. My ex is a drama llama.

its just a shame I can’t seem to speak to friends about the nursery without being hit with legal threats. My nanny was really uncomfortable with the position she was put in and I told my ex to tell the playgroup this and he refused. My nanny says she’s just going to put ‘stbxh asked’ in front of every sentence she says now 🙄

Thank you! This is how I felt. Really good advice I will follow this to the letter and not give her any more ammo. My friend was slagging the leader off in messages so I really do think it didn’t come from her

I separated from my husband last august he had been displaying unsafe behaviours due to addictions and mental health issues, despite being stressful and quite

She can’t monitor your conversations. Someone has told her their worries about the setting have come from you. You’re using hyperbole. She has to contact him about any concerns she has under the court judgement doesn’t she? You’re the one using the nanny as a go-between. Better if you do all communication with nursery through ex husband.

Im not sure me talking to parents is a ‘concern’ but yes I am not going to have anything to do with it from now on. It’s not worth it. My ex can just buy them new coats weekly.

The chatting to other parents isn't the problem, although you may want to revisit how much you trust them. You broke the court order stating your ex was the main contact. First you sent your nanny to collect something, then you emailed the leader.

It is irrelevant how polite you were or how reasonable, or how petty you think it is.