Aibu - a bit creeped out by this?

[creepedoutbythis]

AIBU to feel a bit stalked by my DC's playgroup leader?

Bit of background. I'm in the middle of a very messy divorce with ongoing court proceedings. The court order names STBXH as the main contact with the playgroup, but there's nothing stopping me contacting them or talking to other parents. My relationship with the setting was already strained.
Yesterday I asked for some of the DC's belongings back via our nanny. The playgroup told the nanny I had to go through STBXH. I sent the leader a polite email, with my solicitor copied in, asking them not to use my nanny as a go-between.

A few hours later, the leader phoned STBXH and told him I'd been "asking parents if they're happy with the school." He then fired off an email, copying in both solicitors, saying it must stop immediately and would be reported to the court.
The reality: I've spoken privately to ONE mum, a friend, about worries over my own child. That's it. No posts, no rallying parents, nothing.
So AIBU to find it really unsettling that she seems to be keeping tabs on private conversations between parents outside the setting, and reporting them to my ex? It feels like she's monitoring who I talk to and using him to shut me up, especially as it came hours after my solicitor was copied in.

I told him it wasn’t true and laughed at him for being so controlling during a court case in writing.

Shes also done other weird things, like making passive aggressive instagram stories after I made a thoughtless comment and sending them to me, rang my ex after I complained in a group chat about behaviour there (this is why she hates me) and copied my WhatsApp profile picture down to the location and setting.

Am I overreacting, or is this as weird as it feels?

You were complaining in a group WhatsApp too…

He’s named because his solicitor asked him to be named.
i really haven’t jumped down people’s throats, been aggressive etc.
I think it’s normal to feel paranoid when you’re being threatened with court for private convos and not knowing where the hell it’s come from.
luckily, in my case, my ex is the one the judge doesn’t agree with.
I doubt your ex wasn’t abusive, btw. The crazy ex isn’t always crazy. You just haven’t seen the bad behaviour yet!

This was 6 months ago before they were forced to go back. Not recently.

This is the problem. I think I was known as a trouble maker when my children were at primary school because I pointed out certain practices that were unsafe. For example, at one of the taster days in reception, no-one took a record of who was present and the children didn't wear name stickers. Very uncomfortable when you have an ND escape artist.

Also their trips were absolute chaos...Cambridge Mill Pond, water on all sides, children running around all over the place and not staying with their adult. I was banned from helping because I pointed out their failings.

They just like to blame parents instead of being accountable. Anyway, rant over.

I can’t say without identifying the setting, but it wasn’t that bad

I agree 100%. Women who aren’t quiet or obedient and stand up for themselves are crazy, dramatic troublemakers. Men are confident, assertive leaders 🙄

You must be so stressed out with all this drama.
However if I were the playgroup leader I’d ask you to take your child elsewhere. It’s hard enough to manage running a playgroup without bringing individual parents solicitors into it.

Sounds like NOONE has the children's interests at heart here including the professionals.

But what function does 'being named' serve?

Thanks for the relationship advice. We've been together 29 years and I haven't seen it yet 🤷‍♀️

I have, however, had to call the police on his batshit ex more than once.

Sometimes, the man isn't the baddie.

I'm sorry you're in a difficult situation but you seem to be hellbent on making it worse.

In what sense?

as ive said in my previous updates, my ex is the one with the criminal case hanging over him, not me.

what you’ve been through seems to have caused you a lot of pain, but please don’t project that by being nasty and insulting to people on the internet going through really difficult, different situations.

How did she monitor your conversation? Did you have it within earshot of other people? If not, your 'friend' isn't taking your side.

You're going to need to wise up and be a hell of a lot more discrete going forward. The falling out with the playgroup is of your own doing and it's making your life much more difficult.

This is one of those AIBU where the OP is hoping everyone on here backs them up, they don't and then they get defensive.

Post an AIBU if you want a view from the collective MN community. Don't post it if you already have your entrenched answer and don't like what people come back with.

My understanding of the situation is as follows

• DC attends nursery and is hurt
• OP (you) not satisfied with how situation was dealt with
• OP researches and finds nursery non-compliant (not with safety practices but with advertising laws???)
• OP reports nursery and nursery is fined
• OP also makes negative comments about nursery to private group of “friends”
• Nursery doesn’t want DC to remain there and neither does OP
• ExH wants DC to stay and somehow forces the nursery business to keep DC on (can courts force a business owner to retain a customer?)
• Court establishes exH as main contact, despite DC being in OP’s care during drop off/pick up times, but OP can also contact (so main contact is meaningless)
• OP discusses nursery with “close” friend and no one else. Nursery become aware of this conversation through either elaborate monitoring or “close” friend revealing the details
• OP asks for jacket back via nanny
• Nursery refuse, citing court order and informs exH and also inform exH of OP and “close” friend conversation
• OP tells them not to go through nanny (but OP initiated nanny involvement)
• Meanwhile nursery leader is sending passive aggressive SM content to OP

Is this the general gist?

Tbf nobody comes across as great in the thread and inevitably it's the DC that suffer

OP you need to take the advice of PP and don't get sucked into needless drama dna to stay squeaky clean for your DC sake.

For example, your original issue was DC was hurt at nursery and you weren't satisifed with their response. Rather than focus on the issues around safety you went digging around to find any 'dirt' to use against them which was something around advertising compliance? This kind of decision from you was a bad choice imo and indicated you just wanted to get them for something, even though you were fully away your DC would be forced to remain in the nursery for the foreseeable.

Kind of.
nursery didn’t refuse but told my nanny to communicate through ex h.
i complained.
then exh emailed saying he’d been phoned.
I don’t know what happened with the courts. I think he could have pressured her, guilt tripped her, lied to her. Etc. he was telling anyone who would listen I was a risk to the kids and about to kill myself and them and that he was going to be awarded full custody and my parenting rights would be stripped. The judge just left them with me but had to have oversight to cover her back.

I think had she known I would still be in the picture she never would have agreed. But once you have a wealthy man with a court order in front of you, who knows the dirt his ex wife has on you, and you see what he does to her, I imagine she wanted to keep at least him onside.

i am inferring massively here. She might believe him and think I’m the most awful person in the world. Who knows?

You're going to need to play the game strategically and stop playing into his hands. Be the nicest person in the world so he looks like a liar.

Yes, I was completely confused by that bit. You seemed to get your nanny to act as go-between then asked them not to use your nanny as go-between?

I can't fully follow what has happened here Op. There are lots of bits where I am not sure whom you are meaning, but the overall impression is that you not doing yourself any favours with regard to your court proceedings. It sounds as though you got the nursery fined? They are not going to like you if so.

It also sounds as though you are now trying to get them to act differently from the arrangements, namely to communicate via your DH.

I think - if I follow correctly - you might be wise to pull your head in a bit.

there Is nothing in the court order that says my Nannie’s can’t ask for the children’s belongings back. I sent the nanny with a list because she kept coming back without things. I didn’t try to communicate, try to speak or raise concerns. I just tried to get some shoes and a coat back for my dc.

i think what has come up here is that both me and play group have very different understandings of the court order. There is no prohibition order on me contacting them and in the past I have had to to report absences and nothing has been said.

it was more I make a mild grumble and ask my nanny be kept out of it and then my exh is phoned within hours with a fabricated complaint. It unsettled me. The allegations were very off what was actually said to my friend so it’s hard not to believe her. I just don’t know what to think and was spooked by the threats that it led to from my ex.

i work I don’t even do the drop offs or pick ups. I don’t contact this woman, I have no mutual friends (that I know of), I have blocked all social media after how petty she was. It seems a bit ridiculous to tell my nanny off for asking for the children’s property!

Believe it or not, I am a lovely person. Most people who know me well say I have a heart of gold. I’m not involved in bitching or gossiping. I moaned to a group of friends I later found I couldn’t trust when my dc was hurt and put in a formal complaint, stating I’d been misled by the leader which led to her being fined. I didn’t go on social media or expose her or bitch to anyone who would listen (which I could have done).
this is why the judge essentially laughed him out of court. His ‘dossier’ was full of petty complaints and inferences. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life

Is this an actual playgroup or a nursery?

Her telling him and then him telling his solicitor will hold no weight.

Nobody else sees what the school said to your nanny as using her as a go-between, despite your attempts to justify your response. Copying in your solicitor to your complaint to the school isn't "having a mild grumble" about it.

Your child could be at the school for quite a while yet if there's nowhere else suitable for them. You are going to have to learn to sweat the small stuff in your situation or you are going to end up permanently pissed off or stressed out, and your ex will have won.

Is the nanny listed as a contact/collect person for the child? If so then why do they need to go through ex? If not then I can understand.

Well my nanny did and complained about it 🫠

Yes she is. This is why it’s so bizarre to me. She wasn’t passing messages she was asking for a coat!

What a mess! If you need a nanny and 2 solicitors in an email trail to get a coat back from nursery then it seems like the relationship with nursery is completely destroyed. I wouldn't want my child there given how bad your relationship with the staff is.

Its the child's coat not the exes or op