Aibu - a bit creeped out by this?

[creepedoutbythis]

AIBU to feel a bit stalked by my DC's playgroup leader?

Bit of background. I'm in the middle of a very messy divorce with ongoing court proceedings. The court order names STBXH as the main contact with the playgroup, but there's nothing stopping me contacting them or talking to other parents. My relationship with the setting was already strained.
Yesterday I asked for some of the DC's belongings back via our nanny. The playgroup told the nanny I had to go through STBXH. I sent the leader a polite email, with my solicitor copied in, asking them not to use my nanny as a go-between.

A few hours later, the leader phoned STBXH and told him I'd been "asking parents if they're happy with the school." He then fired off an email, copying in both solicitors, saying it must stop immediately and would be reported to the court.
The reality: I've spoken privately to ONE mum, a friend, about worries over my own child. That's it. No posts, no rallying parents, nothing.
So AIBU to find it really unsettling that she seems to be keeping tabs on private conversations between parents outside the setting, and reporting them to my ex? It feels like she's monitoring who I talk to and using him to shut me up, especially as it came hours after my solicitor was copied in.

I told him it wasn’t true and laughed at him for being so controlling during a court case in writing.

Shes also done other weird things, like making passive aggressive instagram stories after I made a thoughtless comment and sending them to me, rang my ex after I complained in a group chat about behaviour there (this is why she hates me) and copied my WhatsApp profile picture down to the location and setting.

Am I overreacting, or is this as weird as it feels?

My child is not happy there and it is a short term placement.

You, a woman, made a legitimate complaint about a playgroup that's led by a woman. You then made a passive-aggressive comment here about people "blam[ing] the woman".

I'm not making you out to be the villain of that particular piece but I'm not going to pin it on your ex either as it doesn't sound like he had the slightest thing to do with it.

It also sounds as though the nursery are (very understandably) wary about communicating with you or giving stuff back to you because of the court order. They probably think if they did that they’d end up with your ex calling the lawyers on them because they’ve breached the order. They are childcare practitioners and not lawyers. Plus you’ve already had them fined. Can you not see it from their perspective?

What you should have done once they said no was either agree with your ex that the nanny could ask for the stuff back or just drop it and recomsider if the court order needs amending to be clearer. Not escalate to your own lawyers and blame the nursery. And is it really worth it- unless you send your DC off with a cartier watch and a faberge egg, just leave it.

Hmm, but you said

Yesterday I asked for some of the DC's belongings back via our nanny. The playgroup told the nanny I had to go through STBXH. I sent the leader a polite email, with my solicitor copied in, asking them not to use my nanny as a go-between.

In that one par, you go from using your nanny as a go-between to getting cross at them for using your nanny as a go-between. If you're firing off emails cc'ing legals complaining about a situation you created, you will seem unreasonable.

Tbh I suspect all parties in this scenario are, mostly you and the ex, and then sucking everyone else into it, so the friend lets things slip, the nursery tries to manage it while doing their more important job, the nanny gets used as a go-between by everyone, and your DC is in the middle of it all.

Well then try to agree a different setting on reasonable terms with your ex or go back to court.

Or help your child settle in a bit better by establishing a good relationship with the room leader, rather then setting off the war of the roses/ jarndyce and jarndyce over a pair of shoes and a few nappies.

There is a very small child caught up in all
this nonsense who needs their parents to behave a lot better.

Actually this is quite an interesting perspective. I didn’t realise she could be scared of my ex. I could have been a lot worse with the initial complaint and caused a lot but I did handle it with as minimal outside interference as possible and keep it quiet. I did feel very sorry for her until she rang my ex shit stirring about my parent convos but actually by communicating through the nanny that day, she might be terrified of ex saying she’s breached the order too.
thank you 🙏

Yes when we are next at court we will be changing settings. It’s just a long time to get that hearing

This sounds like a really complicated situation OP.
And it will get worse if you don't abide rigidly by the court order.

But you copied your solicitor in! You are part of the problem.

At which point you should have found a different nursery for your child.

Why has the court given your STEXB sole rights to co-ordinate with the nursery?

Your OP does insinuate that you are the problem.

He doesn’t have sole rights. I’ve said he’s the main point of contact. why is nobody reading the op? His lawyer applied, amongst many other things that would have caused issues, including applying for the children to go to another setting full time that didn’t want them and couldn’t meet their needs and limiting their child maintenance. Who communicated with the setting was the least of my concerns!!

This whole situation sounds so toxic OP with all adults involved. Seems the adults are all point scoring and the little one is stuck in the middle I feel sorry for the child as those around them are more interesting in point scoring rather than putting the child's welfare as a priority.

So the nanny is not “your staff member”?

The judge even said in the hearing I should approach the leader when it had calmed down and ask for a meeting FML

Copying your solicitor when contacting the playgroup is controlling behaviour. There's an implied threat there. Jumping to the conclusion she is 'monitoring' anything is slightly paranoid, minimising your post by calling it 'ill informed'. There's plenty for you to consider on this too.

Why do you keep bringing 'women' into it?

You can't win an argument with your genitalia.

And as you know, this is a predominantly female website so the answers (even the ones you don't like) will obviously be provided by mostly women.

Yesterday I asked for some of the DC's belongings back via our nanny. The playgroup told the nanny I had to go through STBXH. I sent the leader a polite email, with my solicitor copied in, asking them not to use my nanny as a go-between.

Correct me if I’m wrong but weren’t you using the nanny as a go between yourself ? The fact that the court order doesn’t stop you from contacting them is immaterial - if the court has ordered that STBXH is the one they have to contact about any issues, then that’s what she has to do.

Well she clearly is monitoring my conversations if she’s ringing my ex about them isn’t it?
and no, using a solicitor is documenting behaviour when you have an ex like mine

Of course that’s the case! Nobody including the judge wanted it, but it happened anyway 🤔

The judge wanted oversight and said they had to be in a setting. The one I wanted was refused because it was too far from our home. My ex offered another but it didn’t take kids ours ages so that was refused to. This was the only one left.
it was myself and the leader who didn’t want them there.

No I sent the nanny in with a list of belongings we needed back, as she kept picking up the children without the things they came in with, despite asking multiple times if everything was accounted for

Just flagging that the OP has said she’s not in the UK.

OP, this is a largely UK based forum, so specific legal terms used where you are may not have the same meaning here, court orders may have different powers, etc.

Maybe if you said which country posters familiar could advise, but most of the advice you get is likely to be UK based.

You can send a copy of your communication to your solicitor. But copying them in so the recipient knows is a veiled threat, whatever justification you give it. It's the same as copying in loads of managers when you communicate with a Colleague.
Anyway, you lost me on the 'my staff' bit. And 'you got them fined', which if they were fined, was down to the enforcement agency and the Courts, not you.
But I don't understand your type of life, tbh, or battles you fight through Courts and weaponising child care responsibilities and complaining and seeing conspiracies in everything.
So it's a bye fom me.
Hope you find some resolution.

This is a setting that was fined as a result of one parent, and forced by the other parent's court order to continue to accept the children of those parents. They are going to be incredibly risk-averse around both of you. If the court order says your STBX is the main contact for them then they will stick to that like glue. Sanity checking stuff with your solicitor is fine but copying your solicitor directly into correspondence with them just looks oppressive. Try to work with them until the order is amended. Try not to bad mouth the setting to other parents as it sounds like they're terribly gossipy.

My sympathies lie with the Family Court Judge having to deal with this, oh, and, obviously the child(ren) caught up in this sorry mess.