Aibu - a bit creeped out by this?

[creepedoutbythis]

AIBU to feel a bit stalked by my DC's playgroup leader?

Bit of background. I'm in the middle of a very messy divorce with ongoing court proceedings. The court order names STBXH as the main contact with the playgroup, but there's nothing stopping me contacting them or talking to other parents. My relationship with the setting was already strained.
Yesterday I asked for some of the DC's belongings back via our nanny. The playgroup told the nanny I had to go through STBXH. I sent the leader a polite email, with my solicitor copied in, asking them not to use my nanny as a go-between.

A few hours later, the leader phoned STBXH and told him I'd been "asking parents if they're happy with the school." He then fired off an email, copying in both solicitors, saying it must stop immediately and would be reported to the court.
The reality: I've spoken privately to ONE mum, a friend, about worries over my own child. That's it. No posts, no rallying parents, nothing.
So AIBU to find it really unsettling that she seems to be keeping tabs on private conversations between parents outside the setting, and reporting them to my ex? It feels like she's monitoring who I talk to and using him to shut me up, especially as it came hours after my solicitor was copied in.

I told him it wasn’t true and laughed at him for being so controlling during a court case in writing.

Shes also done other weird things, like making passive aggressive instagram stories after I made a thoughtless comment and sending them to me, rang my ex after I complained in a group chat about behaviour there (this is why she hates me) and copied my WhatsApp profile picture down to the location and setting.

Am I overreacting, or is this as weird as it feels?

You haven’t seen the court order. I’ve told you the court order does not prevent me contacting them, or using Nanny’s to ask for belongings at pick up. It just names my ex as the main contact.
might be worth reading the actual post before making comments like this.

Why? You entrust your precious child to this nursery. Why would you "get them fined" and not just have a confidential word in their ear?

No wonder they hate you. What did you expect?

You're the kind of parent every teacher tries to avoid.

It’s super complicated but no my children do not go there out of choice.
I was unable to pull them out because of our previous custody agreement. I tried and the judge said we couldn’t, as the custody agreement had to stand as interim for the time being. Both the leader and myself didn’t want the children there. My ex forced her into taking them back via a court order but she takes it out on me it feels.
it wasn’t a safety issue, it was an advertising issue anyway.

Who has put the passive aggressive stories on social media? The playgroup leader? Delete her as a friend and block you have no reason to be friends with her on SM.

If she does know things about you that you’re claiming to have told one friend only then she knows it from her.

Stop complaining / criticising with group WhatsApp groups.

If the only person you've spoken to about this is your friend, then the only person who could have gossiped about it to others is your friend. Maybe your friend got the impression from you that she was just one of a number of parents you were talking to about the playgroup. Maybe your friend embellished the story when she re-told it to others. Maybe your friend isn't as good a friend as you think she is.

So you don't want your child to go there, possibly with good reason, but they ARE there so you just need to keep your head down, cooperate with all the staff there, stop causing trouble and focus on whats best for your child in this situation.
Your Ex may be a nightmare and you say yourself its a messy divorce but stop taking it out on people who are not involved
And I am sure that almost every word you aresaying about that nursery is getting reported straight back to them so just chill the F out

'The court order names STBXH as the main contact with the playgroup.'

How on earth does a divorce come to this?!

There's a library's worth of backstory here.

To answer your question, a court order is in place stating that your STBXH is the main contact with the playgroup.

You just chose to ignore that court order and then - when reminded of this - you ignored it again:

'Yesterday I asked for some of the DC's belongings back via our nanny. The playgroup told the nanny I had to go through STBXH.'

So, why did you contact them in the first place and why did you then contact them again despite them reminding your Nanny that you must not do so?!

The only winners will be the solicitors.

'...copied my WhatsApp profile picture down to the location and setting.' What do you mean? That could just mean that she saw your photo and said 'oh, I see you were standing by Big Ben at the weekend, nice!'

Why would your child be attending a nursery that you aren't happy with, run by staff you don't have good relationship with? Frankly, your main concern should be your child's welfare.

STBX is the court ordered contact. Therefore they deal with him. And something like trying to take the children's belonging is something they should get his consent for. YABU

Picking up a coat left accidentally is a perfectly normal thing for the person collecting the child to do

Ah, it all makes sense now. You're pissed off that your DCs have to go to this playgroup. So if you stir up as much drama around it as possible you're hoping that the playgroup leader will get fed up with the lot of you and kick your DCs out. You get your own way without having to persuade a judge that you're right.

Nobody here has actually got any experience with court orders have they?

1. i have custody of the children when they attend this group.
2. my ex hires the nanny to take them as he is responsible for this.
3. nothing in the order prohibits me from contacting the nursery!!!! Please read number three if you all read nothing else bloody hell

I think for a quiet life and liability perspective, the playgroup should decline to permit the child to continue with that playgroup. Dealing with court orders and solicitors correspondence is a headache they can do without

its really not. The judge said this was an interim measure anyway and this was not a long term placement but there you go making wild leaps again 🙄

Thank you!!!

Depends on just how slanderous you've been

They tried this my ex got a court order saying they had to take the kids back.
he made loads of allegations to the judge that were laughed out of court because he’s actually a suspect in a criminal case but the judge had to have some kind of neutral oversight for the kids to protect her back.
its a fucking nightmare. Neither me or her wanted them there.

😂😂😂😂 are you the playgroup leader by any chance?

The playgroup?

Yes we’re not in the uk… can you tell? It’s like the Wild West out here.

You think the playgroup leader has a vendetta against you to the extent that she's somehow privy to your private conversations, makes passive-aggressive comments about you and deliberately copied your profile picture.

If I'm making wild leaps, you are far gone into lala paranoid conspiracy land.

I think it sounds like an incredibly complicated and unusual situation for a playgroup/nursery/childminder to be so heavily involved in a custody case. I am in court with my ex ATM too and it is frustrating how schools involve themselves in such a messy way but this is next level. But honestly I don't think anyone here could possibly understand your situation from your posts or offer any advice /insights.

We've all read your opening post, including the second line which states that the "court order names STBXH as the main contact with the playgroup". For a court order to have to descend to this level of detail sort of says it all about the acrimonious nature of the separation - and, yes, a good number of us have experience with court orders

There's clearly a history here, as you say things are strained. You communicated to her via your nanny, then complained when she did the same. Why on earth couldn't your dh, as the named contact, sort out the return of any items? It does sound a bit like you wanted to stir things up.

Ultimately a playgroup leader is a volunteer, and asking them to deal with solicitors is wildly unreasonable.

Staff members?

Lol

The whole thing sounds bizarre, the family court doesn't have any authority to force a nursery to do business with you if they don't want to.

Your relationship with the nursery has clearly broken down so I would just have no contact with them, stay away and let your ex deal with them.
Don't complain to other parents or send messages through the nanny.