Aibu - a bit creeped out by this?

[creepedoutbythis]

AIBU to feel a bit stalked by my DC's playgroup leader?

Bit of background. I'm in the middle of a very messy divorce with ongoing court proceedings. The court order names STBXH as the main contact with the playgroup, but there's nothing stopping me contacting them or talking to other parents. My relationship with the setting was already strained.
Yesterday I asked for some of the DC's belongings back via our nanny. The playgroup told the nanny I had to go through STBXH. I sent the leader a polite email, with my solicitor copied in, asking them not to use my nanny as a go-between.

A few hours later, the leader phoned STBXH and told him I'd been "asking parents if they're happy with the school." He then fired off an email, copying in both solicitors, saying it must stop immediately and would be reported to the court.
The reality: I've spoken privately to ONE mum, a friend, about worries over my own child. That's it. No posts, no rallying parents, nothing.
So AIBU to find it really unsettling that she seems to be keeping tabs on private conversations between parents outside the setting, and reporting them to my ex? It feels like she's monitoring who I talk to and using him to shut me up, especially as it came hours after my solicitor was copied in.

I told him it wasn’t true and laughed at him for being so controlling during a court case in writing.

Shes also done other weird things, like making passive aggressive instagram stories after I made a thoughtless comment and sending them to me, rang my ex after I complained in a group chat about behaviour there (this is why she hates me) and copied my WhatsApp profile picture down to the location and setting.

Am I overreacting, or is this as weird as it feels?

As you've already engaged a solicitor who's now familiar with your case, I would rely on them to guide you in handling your interactions with the play group. Your main interests should be the safety and well being of your daughter and the outcome of your apparent custody battle; I'd keep any other personal feelings out of it as much as possible and focus objectively on getting the results you want.

I would see if your solicitor and your STBX solicitor can agree that you will mark clothes that come from your house so that they can be sent home for washing etc without disputes arising.

You’ve lost me at ‘weaponising child care responsibilities’ and ‘seeing conspiracies’ in everything.
you know who predominantly ends up in family court? Victims of dv. No normal parents would waste the money or risk the lack of control. I’ve got an ex trying to isolate me from my children’s activities and the local community and weaponising courts to do this. But sure. Like I said. I’m the issue. Happy to be the villain 👍

So why continue to send your DC there then? Your relationship with the nursery was over at that point.

In this situation, my money is on your friend talking. You had a private conversation about both not being happy with xyz, she's felt emboldened by the solidarity and has gone to them and said she's not happy with xyz and it's not just her you feel the same way too. Then denied it to you because she doesn't want you to be angry with her.

Watch what you say, about anything, to anyone there. Some of the other parents are likely to be friendly with the nursery owner/manager/whatever this woman is and will pass onto her any titbits of gossip they hear regarding you, especially anything you've said about the nursery.

At the end of the day, unprofessional or not, this nursery owner wants you out. As is to be expected really. Someone who is so unprofessional they have to be reported over something illegal and found guilty and fined, is not someone who you can expect to behave professionally at all, ever. She'll happily take the money for your kids being there but wants nothing to do with you, understandably since you're the one who got her in trouble and she's doing her best to drive you away.

YANBU for wanting the DC things back but YABU for expecting to maintain a professional relationship with someone you've had to report for illegalities. People don't just go fair cop, you've got me, I shouldn't have done it, I'm sorry then carry on like nothing happened. They don't recognise their own behaviour as the problem and the cause of their woes. No, they seethe against what they see as the injustice of it and the person who caused that by reporting them.

So do the sensible thing and leave, send your DC elsewhere. Then you can be named contact and get their personal possessions back. You need to accept you've lost the current lot, your ex isn't going to return them. In future, while you're working out your notice there don't send them with anything you'd be sad to lose. Send them in old tatty clothes and without cuddly toys etc, put their lunch in a carrier bag and use last year's coat that's a fraction too small. It'll only be for a few weeks until they're out of there.

Personally, I understand that this is incredibly stressful for you, and I think what most posters here are doing is trying to help you find a way of navigating this that will make it easier to manage whilst the case is ongoing. I get that you're thinking protectively but there are other ways of managing it that won't let the setting or STBX paint you as uncooperative or difficult.

Your poor dc caught in the middle.
Why would you tell the playgroup leader not to use your nanny as a go between when you used her in the first place? How did they find out about the conversation with your friend?
You sound like a very angry person whose agenda is to make everyone pay for the problems in your life and this playgroup is one of your targets.

Save the drama for the things that really matter, OP. You shouldn't have asked the nanny to get involved as that's your ex's role. Playgroup were only doing what they'd been told.
Keep your own counsel. Don't overshare, be careful with your language ('snake' is particularly inflammatory) and don't use group chats to further your own agenda.
And react as little as possible to any crap from the ex, however unfair it may feel.
Eyes on the prize. One day you'll be free of the ex and your child will leave playgroup. It's really not that far away so deep breaths and ride the storm.

She really isn’t. You’re deluded. The women you are speaking to are sharing what you say. Gossiping etc…

Maybe live by the saying ‘loose lips sink ships’. You talking to others at the school gates clearly isn’t working for you.

Right… I don’t understand your logic. She would still be finding out by listening to gossip (which is unprofessional given her roll) and even if I was gossiping, I still don’t understand how this gives her the right to ring my ex and report gossip she has no proof of.
i speak to one person and have learned my lesson there, don’t worry. I think the one person has too, given how the group leader exposed her!

Situations are not always completely black and white with one person being the blameless victim of another person's villiany. Sometimes both parties are the instigators of drama and conflict.

I think it is very difficult to give you any proper advice regarding playgroup and court order as according to one of your posts you are not in the UK. The UK family courts probably work differently to where you are based.

What is clear is the relationship between you and your ex is very toxic and it seems there is a lot of point scoring happening (on both sides) and the children and the playgroup are caught in the middle.

I feel very sorry for the children and they should be the centre of this whole thing not he said/ she said/ dragging legal professionals in at every opportunity.

I have worked in a setting where the parents were practically at war with one another - solicitors attending parent and teaching meetings about their child and their welfare, solicitors emails every time one parent feels slighted. In which case our setting very much stuck to the court order to the letter. This is probably what your setting is doing - ex is main contact so everything goes through him. The nanny should not be used as a go between by anyone and it is unfair on her to be put in that position.

In terms of behavior towards the setting. You need to stay neutral as much as you can. Don't get in arguments with the setting or that can be used against you. Especially if the setting is consulted during court proceedings (this will always be in regards to the child's best interests/ child's welfare in the UK and not a he said she said situation but could be different if she you are overseas - especially if you are in a country where women have limited rights or children are considered the property of their father). You need to stay out of any Whatsapp groups or any conversations that are negative towards the setting. Send your children, head down, focus on your goal of getting the court order how you like. As you are overseas, you might not have ofsted or a regulator or a complaints process like we do over here. You need to follow the official channels for complaints about the setting in your country.

I'm really confused about what may or may not be happening here, but it doesn't sound terribly pleasant. OP seems to be involving all sorts of people who shouldn't have to deal with this.

OP hasn't given (as far as I can see - correct me if I'm wrong) the reasons for the divorce/split. I suspect that the wife is divorcing the OP. Perhaps the OP has behaved like a total shit and deserves to be kicked up the arse. But as I say, I could most definitely be wrong.

It’s just very embarrassing for you both to be airing your dirty laundry in public. It’s fortunate that DC is too young to feel that embarrassment yet - currently she just thinks this is how everyone behaves.

Try keep yourself to yourself and quietly ride the wave whilst at nursery and have a fresh start, building positive relationships, when your dc starts primary school.

Op, it sounds like you’re under an unholy amount of stress. What are you hoping to get out of this thread? If we agree with you then you will just get more worked up and angry with the playgroup which surely cannot be in the interests of your kids or yourself.

if we disagree with you, you seem unhappy and defensive. No one wants an AIBU thread to swing against them (been there, it feels horrible).

My suggestion is to try and channel sweetness and light - let yourself be vulnerable. Perhaps you SHOULD meet with playgroup manager, have a cry, tell her how awful it all is and how stressed out you are, and find a way to work together.

The worst part of all this is that your kids are not happy. That has to be your first priority to fix.

Also clarification - seems to be swapping from 'he' to 'she'.

You sent messages to the school through your nanny but are furious that the school sent messages back through your nanny.
And you're upset the school put the nanny in this position?
You're bonkers.

Im the woman lol. I left him because he was abusive.

You are right and I’ve asked for it to be deleted anyway now.
i wanted to know I wasn’t crazy. I didn’t think it was a big deal to give the nanny a list of possessions we needed back. Dc is telling me things about this setting constantly and it’s really hard. I don’t email or contact the setting at all, and as I’ve said I’ve only had contact with one parent. i ahve emailed once in the past when dc was ill and nothing was said.
weve both clearly had different interpretations of the court order but even in the uk, unless there were prohibitions a parent wouldn’t be barred from contacting a setting, just like here.
i have had help to understand the schools side (probably terrified of the pair of us) which helps me keep calm.
im going to leave the thread now and take the advice on board which is to have as little as possible with the playgroup. I do have friends in the community and I did ask the mother involved if she’d said anything but what’s done is done now

@creepedoutbythis this sounds like a very hard situation.

I think, reading the original post and updates, the best you can do is accept you need to remove yourself from contact/the group completely. Let your ex and the nanny have contact. I think you are being set up to be seen as 'the problem' and honestly I think everything you do will be gossiped about and fed to your ex-husband. I think you have to admit your grievances will never be seen as anything other than your being a problem and however hard that is to swallow, by not staying away, you are adding fuel to the fire.

Leave the What's App, unfriend on social media. Just prioritise peace! In situations like this I always remind myself what someone thinks of me isn't my business.

As for your friend, she clearly shared what you told her. Knowing the challenges you have with the group/leaders etc., she didn't act as a friend. She may be doing it to increase her social power - guess what @creepedoutbythis said etc.

Make peace the goal. I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered. It does make sense you want to be treated fairly and deserve that. I just don't think this is the place you will find that. Clearly, they are seeing you the way your ex likely painted you. Anything you do in terms of communication will make it worse.

First paragraph: you tried to do something with the setting through your Nanny but you didn't want them to communicate with you via the Nanny? Confusing.

At the end of your original post it sounds like you've moaned about the setting and/or the individual in person or in chats or who knows. She's been unprofessional but I'm guessing there's some defensiveness in there as it sounds like you've been expressing a fair bit of negativity.

That said, did you screenshot the messages that she sent to you? I'd minimise any contact and comms beyond the necessary and basic, but I would also keep a record of any shittiness and unprofessionalism on her part. Same as with you Ex, who I gather from some of your other posts is a controlling narcissist.

A friend of mine has an ex who is that way and her kid's nursery is fully on board with her. They've recognised his behviour and back her all the way. Social services have been involved (not going into details) and the nursery were great and supporting my friend and giving the evidence that showed what a dick the ex was/is. So it's a huge shame that your ex has dictated that your kids are in this setting with this woman.

I don't think I've quite got my head around what she's doing but contacting you via social media is out of order. At our school, if a member of staff were doing this we would have an HR meeting.

Would it be helpful for you to sort the items that are getting left behind.?

"Shes also done other weird things, like making passive aggressive instagram stories after I made a thoughtless comment" Am I the only one that wants to know what the thoughtless comment was and if this part is getting glossed over?

Why was your relationship with the "setting" already strained?

You asked THEM not to use your nanny as go between? You dragged the nanny into it. I pity everyone involved

I'm not clear (and I don't think I'm alone here) on what you mean by:

The court order names STBXH as the main contact with the playgroup, but there's nothing stopping me contacting them or talking to other parents.

Why is he named? What is the significance of that? Seems bizarre and irrelevant if you are also allowed to communicate with them.

You're coming across as aggressive and paranoid, and jumping down anyone throat who doesn't agree/ understand your confusing posts.

You sound like my husbands ex who has dragged us through court for years for the most ridiculous things, but is constantly asserting that he is abusive (read: wont do exactly what I want all the time). He really isn't, its completely the other way round, but she's convinced herself she's the injured party and this is all in the best interests of the poor children (the judges never agree with her but the process is the punishment).

As a PP has said, you need to not only behave well but beware of appearing to behave well too. You're not coming across well.