Aibu - a bit creeped out by this?

[creepedoutbythis]

AIBU to feel a bit stalked by my DC's playgroup leader?

Bit of background. I'm in the middle of a very messy divorce with ongoing court proceedings. The court order names STBXH as the main contact with the playgroup, but there's nothing stopping me contacting them or talking to other parents. My relationship with the setting was already strained.
Yesterday I asked for some of the DC's belongings back via our nanny. The playgroup told the nanny I had to go through STBXH. I sent the leader a polite email, with my solicitor copied in, asking them not to use my nanny as a go-between.

A few hours later, the leader phoned STBXH and told him I'd been "asking parents if they're happy with the school." He then fired off an email, copying in both solicitors, saying it must stop immediately and would be reported to the court.
The reality: I've spoken privately to ONE mum, a friend, about worries over my own child. That's it. No posts, no rallying parents, nothing.
So AIBU to find it really unsettling that she seems to be keeping tabs on private conversations between parents outside the setting, and reporting them to my ex? It feels like she's monitoring who I talk to and using him to shut me up, especially as it came hours after my solicitor was copied in.

I told him it wasn’t true and laughed at him for being so controlling during a court case in writing.

Shes also done other weird things, like making passive aggressive instagram stories after I made a thoughtless comment and sending them to me, rang my ex after I complained in a group chat about behaviour there (this is why she hates me) and copied my WhatsApp profile picture down to the location and setting.

Am I overreacting, or is this as weird as it feels?

Right so how have you leapt from he’s the main contact to I can’t contact the playgroup at all?!

Good grief, reading two pages of this thread is infuriating enough - I cannot imagine what a head melt it is to deal with you and your ex IRL.

Legal threats, complaints over advertising issues, a snake in the WhatsApp group - your language tells far more than you intended. On top of that is the bizarre way you seem to 'agree' with something the poster you're quoting didn't actually say.

It's really hard to make sense of the situation you're describing because you seem so drama prone but -

If you sent the nanny in with a message why did you then tell them off via email for using your nanny as a go-between?
What was the complaint about and how did you deliver it?
Your friend was giving out about the leader in a WhatsApp group - she's a gossipy person so undoubtedly blabbed what you'd said to her.

After that I give up, it was tiring trying to follow it all.

Just because something isn't explicitly prohibited, doesn't make it a good idea, or a choice in line with peaceful co-parenting.

Poor kid. Honestly, you need to grow up.

No - just a random poster mildly appalled by the histrionic drama you're generating and feeling sorry for the poor child the subject of these court proceedings 😔😔😔

OP clearly none of these posters have been in a relationship with a narcissistic controller. I get it. They are manipulative and obsessed at painting you as the bad one. They will often target slightly dim women to get onside. Ignore as much as you can and keep it civil copying in solicitors as you go.

Not with all this drama and complaints. They are probably scared to do anything wrong so just stick with the rules of court like glue.

I am not the one generating drama. I’m not the one ringing an ex and repeating gossip but sure. Ok. I feel very sorry for my kids too. They hate going there. Their dad pays no attention to them when he has them. I’m fighting in family court for them and trying to manage hundreds of things. I covered my back with the email and I’m glad i did given how she reacts to me having friends at the playgroup!

Sounds like the OP had already fallen out with the nursery before all this with her ex.

Thank you. 🙏 just thank you for actually seeing it for what it is. It’s been driving me mad.

Spot on I think.

I’d fallen out with the nursery and my ex shit stirred to the point where I had to make a formal complaint to protect myself but sure, blame the woman.

You can’t peacefully coparent with my ex. Believe me, I’ve tried.

What was the reason for originally falling out with the nursery? Was that your ex's fault too?

She sent me passive aggressive instagram stories. I’ve since blocked her.
she rang my ex telling him I’d been having conversations with parents I hadn’t been having.
The profile picture is the only one I thought well that’s just a coincidence.
you guys just love piling on women don’t you?

My dc was harmed and I wasn’t happy with the response. I did some digging and found out they were not complaint with the country’s regulations and falsely advertising.
but cool I’ll be the villain here if you want me to be

Honestly people on here wont get it i worked so my ex did parents evening (once) the teacher disregarded everything the former teachers told her about ds believed him when he told her ds was fine I was the one holding him back pretending he had issues etc etc and hinted I wanted to make a dla claim for cash one school year later we meet up for a parents evening she has in the entire school year taught him the first letter of his name I congratulated her on a job well done because in almost four years at the school nursery he hadnt learned the first letter of his name so he was doing quite well she hadn't checked his paperwork until last quarter had taken everything his dad said as gospel but worked it out that you cant hold a child back that much by "refusing to help with homework" it was all over his paperwork autism assessment needed suspect ADHD learning difficulties but she believed the man

Thankfully the rest of his teachers looked to the child first he got assessments a year late but what can you do

They are probably enjoying the drama, parents and staff. Yes it’s weird but you need to communicate with ex by email only and be clever about it. Don’t ask your nanny to collect the belongings your ex can do that? Maybe the playgroup leader has taken exs side. I would step back and only communicate with them when necessary, stick to non event conversations with other parents like the weather. None of them need to know your business.

Yes it is, but when you ask the nanny to talk to a teacher, you can't then complain that the teacher spoke to the nanny!

Nanny: "Op has asked if you can send the child's coat home with me please"
Leader : "Very sorry, the court order says that only the OP's Ex can be given items"
OP writes a letter complaining that leader got the nanny involved. It's insane!

Why is your relationship with the playgroup strained?

Exactly! This is all ridiculous - I feel sorry for the child(ren) in the middle of this.

Would I find it creepy? No. Would I be really pissed off that a stranger with a grudge was deliberately shit stirring despite knowing that this could lead to significant and long-term harm to me or my children? Absolutely.

No matter what you think of the playgroup, @creepedoutbythis, you need to not just be absolutely whiter than white in every single interaction with every single person (in a public or private setting), but perceived to be whiter than white. It is extraordinarily easy to paint women as hysterical, dangerous, a risk etc., in today's world - especially a smart, strong, independent woman who won't be controlled. Don't vent to your friends, never say an unkind word about your ex or the shitty playgroup leader to anyone. Do not participate in 'private' whatsapp groups where others are being insulted (justifiably or not). Don't keep a journal of your outrage or email friends about it. (But do keep a journal of events and their impact on the children e.g. Father 2hrs late dropping off, children tired and hungry, late bedtime impacted their behaviour at school the following morning.) Keep any written correspondence factual. Do your best to be silent and stay sane until whatever horrendous custody battle you're going through is sorted. Is it fair that women have to be 5 times as good to be seen as barely competent when compared to men? Certainly not. But it is what you have to do to win the long-term goal, which is security and safety for your children.

This is not what happened.
i gave my nanny a list of belongings we needed back. Because every time she kept asking ‘is this everything’ and the playgroup would say yes and it wasn’t.
my nanny was given a long explanation of the items and then told to tell me not to communicate but to ask my ex to communicate. My nanny was super uncomfortable with this. At pick up, she was given all of the belongings back bar shoes (?!) messaged me quietly and got them back, not telling them it had been me pushing for them. She was really upset at being put in this position by the staff, as she shouldn’t have to be checking with me what dc go in with. The playgroup should just be giving it back.
I then emailed the playgroup asking them not to send messages through my nanny, but to do it through my ex.
in hindsight maybe this was a bit of an overreaction but you can’t be like ‘only speak to me through ex’ and send that message not through the ex. She’s breaking the court order too if I have, by the logic of some posters here.

Very much comes across as though you’re forced to send your child to this nursery against your will and therefore you’re doing your best to stir up trouble. Possibly hoping that the nursery will do something wrong and then you can blame dad/ them and send your DC somewhere else.

I think you need to grow up and put your kids first. If your child is largely happy there, the best way to do this is to establish a good relationship with the nursery leader. Have a meeting with them. Apologise if there has been any confusion and say you want a new start. In the future take any legitimate concerns to them and don’t gossip to others. Explain what you think the court order means and agree a way forward re communications. Become “the good guy.”

Stop with the petty requests. If they lose something so what? Just replace it. And if you want them to stop using your nanny as a go-between and escalating things to lawyers, maybe you should set the example and not do these things yourself.

And IMO reporting/ getting your own child’s nursery fined for something which isn’t really serious (like safeguarding) is a really silly thing to do.

Thank you this is really good advice 🙏