Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

Sorry, just realised you've said it's 'tradition' for the person hosting to pay for everyone at a restaurant.

And no one thinks the B should do this? Or that they should actually treat the person whose birthday it is?

Sorry, but if neither of you are going to tell anyone to bugger off for being CF's, then you can't complain.

I would absolutely hate if my kids couldn't express their feelings to me. It's a weird set up and unless you both do something to change it then it will never change. Kudos for managing to not blurt it out before now. Do you also have children? Is this the 'tradition' you want for them?

I feel for you Op, I'm also married to a twin and it drives me mad sometimes (although I don't have it anything like as bad as you do). DH's twin lives in another country and is also 'indulged' by the rest of the family. He thinks it's great fun to 'surprise' everyone DH for their birthday by suddenly appearing on the doorstep unannounced and expect to stay for a week!

So solidarity. Unfortunately I suspect you'll land up hosting again...but it definitely sounds like you need to be making your future expectations very clear, especially around not footing the bloody bill every time!

How do your parents fit into your dynamic? Do they mollycoddle your LT?

Does it bother your DH as much as it bothers you because in fairness it's his birthday, not yours. Would he prefer a personalised cake?

@FedUpTwinWife as they’re twins my evil side has this vision of you running a party but having half a cake and so on because you’re contributing half the budget … 🤣

Happy to have the party here LT. Your half of the bill will be… and if he kicks off then fuck him. Stop enabling this situation. Shit or get off the pot.

Say you will have everyone at your home as it’s bigger but ask SIL and twin to organise outside catering, even if it’s a Deliveroo take away.
I would go to a restaurant and ask who would like to come there with you. Split the bill, obviously.

Can you have a picnic in a park? And treat LT like a toddler? So ask di you want to bring drinks for everyone or the sandwiches? Do you want to provide the cake or the plates? So he has to pick one of the options.

Or else can DH say ok so one of us will host and the other pay for the food in advance. Which one do you want to do?

I'd bite my tongue and do what DH wants for his birthday. Christmas I'd be saying that you won't be hosting everyone this year.

Your problem is absolutely your DH as he is the one who wants all of this. You say that you are not involved other than a couple of messages once a decade, so just let him get on with it.

I wouldn't really have a problem with it as it's what your DH wants and he should be able to choose for his special birthday and he's the one hosting anyway.

Tell your DH that if he wants to celebrate with his family rather than book a hotel away for the night, then you will put in as much effort as his brother’s wife does. No more, no less.

This would enrage me.

you saying xyz isn’t an option when it really is. Your husband either puts up with it and does ALL the planning for his own party as he’s the on that doesn’t have the balls to tell his family how one sided it is. OR he actually listens to you and you tell twin/in-laws you are stepping back. I can understand if you do genuinely have a big house and there isn’t room to host in their house. It makes sense you always host. It doesn’t make sense that you are not asking for a monetary contribution towards hosting. And No way in hell would you be expected to foot the WHOLE bill if you were to go out to dinner. That isn’t an option. I really cannot comprehend why people are so keen to please supposed family when it’s at the detriment to your own self. If they were family worth having, they would completely understand if you said you are done with all the responsibilities and being the only one who contributes. If they have ANY problem with it then they are not family worth having.

if you don’t wanna do anything with them this year, and it’s a big milestone birthday. Just go away for it.

If you don’t mind hosting/organising then ask for money up front to buy the supplies. Give them one reminder and stand firm with no joint celebration if they don’t pay.

if you don’t want to do all the organising, say you will host but someone else needs to cook/shop etc

if you don’t want to do anything then say you want to go out for a meal. Pick somewhere that is budget friendly for everyone and tell them you have specifically picked this place as everyone should be able to afford it aka you are not paying.

I do think @FedUpTwinWife- you need to relocate this celebration away from your home. There is not just a choice of your home or twin’s home or even MILs home. There are pubs and restaurants, there are options to go for something more neutral. As twin has said not his home, then push it back to him and SIL, ok where then? Is there a country pub they like? A restaurant? They can still do the work, or some of it.

Tell DH that the milestone birthday can be organised in a venue, by him and his brother. I organised my milestone birthday myself because I am an adult and I wanted a birthday party.

As it’s a milestone birthday I’d start a group chat stating that you’re not hosting but willing to hear any suggestions and what sort of budget people think is reasonable to be shared by…

Push back on others to come up with ideas and how to pay before assumptions are made.

Why don't one of you speak up? So 'ok yes we'll host again but you going to have to contribute. So you bring the cake plus booze and we'll do mains'.
You are letting them walk all over you.

You need to keep throwing it back at them - we always organised the celebrations in the past, it’s your turn. If you can’t fit us in your house book a restaurant or find a pub function room - it’s your turn. And don’t back down. Tell them you are absolutely not organising anything while they sit on their backsides , like usual.

Come on, not even one day? You’ve been heroic OP but it’s time to stop. Go away for the day, overnight if you can.

It is not your responsibility to host every major family event. If DH’s family cannot process that then you have a bigger problem than a demanding and incompetent twin.

That’ll teach me for not RTFT. I see your DH wants to celebrate with his family. So actually your DH is the problem.

What would happen if you suggest a restaurant to lazy twin and lazy twin wife... Then when they inevitably say no.. say okay you choose the restaurant to do your budget as we will not be hosting

I'd drop in whatever chat/messaging 'Just FYI, we are not hosting this year, we've done it for 'x' years and it's someone else's turn. Please let us know the plan when you've decided which of your houses it will be at this year.'

And let the rest of the family argue it out.

So many posts advising op what to do…
It’s her dh’s birthday, and he’s fine with the way things are.
It’s literally nothing to do with her, any issues she has with the situation are down to her dh (a grown adult) not dealing with it, nothing else.

My first thought too.
Go somewhere and focus on DH and forget brother.
He’s not bloody conjoint

Surely it's up to your DH to put his foot down about hosting? If he's too wet to put up any objection, I would let him get on with the hosting and leave the clearing up to him too. If he wants to host all his family every year, more fool him!

A you contact the DW and say “can we organise this jointly this year and do this 50/50? It’s quite a lot of effort each year so would appreciate some more help.”