Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

@FedUpTwinWife This isn’t about a birthday. It’s about a family system that has decided the twin is a helpless child and you are the designated adults who pick up the slack.

You’re not blowing up the family. You’re simply refusing to bankroll the dysfunction.

Yu have already pointed out that if you ask the LT to to provide a cake or bring food, MIL will probably provide it>

I think there are lessons for LT to learn here. And given that, he has two options

1. I don't think you should ask him to bring stuff, I think you should ask him to pay for this party in its entirety as he needs to understand the financial cost, without diminishing the time and energy you have to put in to prepare your home. Explain how much it costs and how you have covered this for years.
2. Tell him that its his turn to host, and if he feels his home is too small that he can host it at your but he provides catering, drinks and sets up and cleans up. You will ensure the house is ready for his efforts.

Sounds like he needs to learn and your husband needs to bite the bullet and tell him and explain why. He is pandering to his brother at your expense, not just financially.

How is LT going to react...well.....

1. Twin/SIL will protest because they don’t want to pay or do the work.
2. MIL will try to cover for them DH must calmly decline: “No, this is Twin’s birthday - he needs to take responsibility.”
3. Twin will suddenly discover his house is big enough after all. Amazing how space appears when money is involved.
4. Or they’ll agree to pay because they want the celebration more than they want to avoid responsibility.

Either outcome is a win for you. You just need to stand the line with your husband and his family which is no mean feat after all this time.

Of course, we look forward to celebrating with you and the rest of the family.With that said and the cost of everything going up so much, I'm sure you will agree the only fair thing to do for this milestone birthday is to equally share the cost. We project the cost to be xxxx, so please send your half asap so the planning can begin!!!!

You still seem to be shifting the responsibility on to other people. It doesn’t matter if PIL expect it, it’s your DH that’s going along with it so he is enabling LazyTwin as much as anyone else. This is his choice.

I don’t really understand why a family tradition meaning the birthday person pays, means that only one of a pair of twins always pays?

In that case HE can organise it all himself . Tell him you're fed up of having to deal with it all and if its what he wants then he sorts it all out on his own.

Would it be possible to have a picnic in a local park or forest, using the public picnic benches? Party in the Park!

You could order a party selection from Sainsbury’s or Waitrose (for example: sandwiches, individual cakes, sausages, etc.). along with paper plates, cups, napkins and tablecloths from the supermarket.
Everyone meets at 2pm, have the party, and everyone leaves by 5pm. Everything can simply be cleared away into big bin bags afterwards, three hours, and your home remains your home!
If it rains, everyone can descend on LT’s home or MIL/FIL’s home instead. The same principle applies: disposable tableware, minimal clearing up, and everything can be disposed of immediately afterwards.
Simple, practical and stress-free, no turning anyone’s home upside down!
Then you and you DH get to spend the evening together doing what you actually wanted!

While I get why your DH doesn’t want to throw a cat amongst the pigeons, it’s good he sees the problem here.

Your first issue is communication. If they’re communicating without you, you have no control. Could you set up a family WhatsApp excluding the twins and take control of plans, delegating ABC to PILs and XYZ to LT’s wife/family? Would your DH be on board with that?

Secondly, if your DH wants to move ahead with the usual plans, why not support him but make it totally low-key? Don’t go all out. Get a tiny cake. Make it a sober celebration. And at the end, announce your own ‘surprise’ plans to take DH away for the weekend or something so 1) he knows you will be celebrating just him and 2) they know they haven’t got away with it this time

Lastly. There is no reason you can’t jointly decide that this time you’ want to celebrate with a meal out, and ask everyone what their budget is so you can choose the restaurant accordingly, and casually mention you’re both happy if that ends up being a buffet lunch at Pizza Hut, as long as you can all be together 😂

We can’t host this year we’re having our kitchen done.

when said kitchen never gets done a cowboy builder ran off with the deposit.

THIS.

While I can imagine it is frustrating, you imply your hubby does most of the cooking and the only time you were identified as needing to do something was when your sistern’law sent a message other than that direct communication has not happened for 10 years?

the person I feel the most for in this situation is your hubby. Stuck between your frustration of his family, his lazy let down brother and his enabling parents …. all associates with special occasions for him. That’s more than a bit shit.

honestly, I think the best thing you can do and the best birthday gift you could give to him is take your side of the pressure off. Reframe your expectations of his brother - have zero expectations and you’ll never be disappointed. Just approach things this is what YOUR hubby wants and whatever you do you are doing for him not others. You said it does most of the cooking for these things anyway. You are not paying more for a family party than you would if it was just your hubby’s birthday.

I think anyone would understand your frustration. But it’s clear it’s what your hubby wants, so I would stand back from my feelings and support your hubby without the internal seething as regardless of what you think, your hubby would noticed it hence why he’s tried raising the lazy brother thing with his enabling family.

It doesn’t need to be a holiday can be a day out.

or just stand up for yourselves, invite to a restaurant with a fixed price stating how much each person needs to pay. Or do something that requires tickets and tell everyone they are responsible for getting their own.

next time he wife tries to give you instructions, give them back so if she mentioned cake respond with great idea you sort that out, thanks for offering.

doing what you actually wanted! why does the OP get to do what she “actually “ wants? It’s not her birthday and the person whose birthday it is and whom we must assume for the purpose of this thread that she loves, at least to some extent, does want a party. Why on earth is it ok for the OP to sabotage this?

There are plenty of threads on here where a wife’s birthday has been ignored or diminished by her husband but now apparently that’s going to be the specific goal that the OP works towards.

I think you have a DH problem. If he can’t stand up to his family, or doesn’t want to, that’s on him. He needs to! Why should you always play hosts and pander to his dysfunctional twin/PIL?

If the issue for his twin is that his house isn’t big enough then why don’t you suggest they can still organise the party but they can have it at yours. Alternatively they could hire the local village hall or similar.

Can you host but get on first with the demands to LT Wife (ESIL - entitled sister in law) that as you will agree to host they need to share the weight and as LT has cake preferences they can bring cake and napkins and candles. And you would appreciate them bringing some of the champagne too.

I agree the family party is non-negotiable because that's how DH wants to celebrate his birthday. So plan the party you and DH want to host and completely ignore the wishes of LT + wife. When they send their requests just say "oh right, lovely okay" and then don't do it.

Book a restaurant

I actually wonder of a sprinkling of truth wouldn't go amiss here.

Whatsapp
So...the birthdays. Come to ours to celebrate Dave and John's 50th. But we have an exhausting couple of weeks and cant put on the spread we would normally. So we need a group effort to make it happen. We will do a tray of baked potatoes (or whatever super easy thing thays only part of the meal) and how about ESIL and LT, bring the cake and a dish. Pils, booze and a dish. We will do decorations. Be here from 5. We are so glad you can all muck in otherwise I dont think we could make it happen!

Change details as needed.

Two ideas 1) why not have a bigger party at yours so the twin etc are just some of the guests, you’ll not be thinking about them so much and it’s probably a more fun celebration 2) if you must do a family dinner at yours then email or WhatsApp everyone beforehand delegating various tasks. I once had the unpleasant task of organising a joint family Christmas at 9 months pregnant and that was how I made it work - “looking forward to seeing you all! MIL and FIL, could you bring wine, LT and wife you’re in charge of dessert/cheeseboard”. Spread the “joy” of catering.

I can’t believe what cheeky bastards they are to expect you to do it all.

I’m an adult twin, this is a weird expectation! I haven’t ever hosted a big family thing and we haven’t done a joint party since our 21st birthday almost 20 years ago!

How infuriating.

I think talk to LT and his wife and ask what their budget is for this years milestone birthday. Say you will organise and match what they can afford. Ask for amount to be put into Birthday Fund account.

If they don’t pay or don’t like the idea, have them and in-laws round for an informal coffee and cake the day after. Take your RT out for the night just you on the big day.

Let DH do it if he wants it.

The problem is that your DH refuses to stand up to lazy twin/his wife/his family.
What solution has your DH suggested or does he just like to complain to you but do nothing?

I agree with this and a lot of other posts. It’s time for DH to “use his big boy words”. You can be assertive without being rude. If they don’t like it, oh well.

I think you also need to have a conversation with your DH, because he’s facilitated this nonsense by not saying anything to his family. I can understand wanting to get together with family for a milestone birthday, but the whole setup just seems a bit childish.

If he wants to continue with having these events with his family, then he needs to understand that it’s not all going to fall on you to organise and finance.

How about a bring and share meal/buffet?
You make or buy a cake for your DH only and everyone brings something. If the LT and his wide don't there will be less to go around.

If they say it doesn't work for them then say you won't be having a party as you have done the hosting every year and it isn't fair for you to keep doing so, and perhaps a meal out with everyone paying for themselves will suit instead. Keep putting the ball back in their court.

As a last resort if they insist on doing nothing then scale back what you do to just coffee and cake at yours.