Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

It could be time to say to twin brother that just because they are twins they don't always have to do joint things. You will have a small get together that is just for your husband's birthday the weekend before so that if twin brother wants to do anything for family on his actual birthday the day is free. Say you won't be doing anything for twin brother's birthday at the small get together but he is welcome with his family to come and celebrate husband's birthday. Say that it is exhausting and expensive to do it every year and husband just wants to be able to enjoy his birthday for once.

This would annoy me so much. And I would be just as annoyed with dh for not telling his twin ‘either you host, or you pay at least half of what it’ll cost to celebrate at ours’ at an absolute minimum!

Why would you sit with a face like thunder? It’s all on
your dh, he wants it this way.
If he doesn’t, he’s the only one who can do anything to change it.

The problem you've got is that this is bigger than just a birthday dinner, and the dynamic of the family was already cemented long before you met your DH. Everyone knows their roles and does what they are supposed to, the family keeps ticking over as it always has. No, it's not a healthy dynamic, but it's not an easy one to get out of, either, especially if you've been in it for a long time. It is often easier to just not rock the boat.

Because it won't just be his relationship with his twin, it will be all of it, the other siblings and the parents too. I get how frustrating it is from your POV, I really do. But trying to make your DH change it isn't necessarily the right move. It may not be worth the tantrums and drama. This is his survival strategy for dealing with them and he's doing it because in some way, it works.

Honestly in your shoes, I would be looking at therapy to help you work on dealing with your feelings about it because is it so challenging to deal with this and it's not going away any time soon. Families are weird.

The only way to not host or to not pay if you go out is to go on holiday. I appreciate you can't this year but plan it for next and hopefully the thought of this being the last you have to host for a while is a consolation!

This is really up to your DH. I get it's annoying, rage inducingly annoying but if he wants to celebrate with his family you will have to continue to bear the burden. I'd tell his wife to fuck off to the far side of fuck mind. I'd be very clear that her lack of planning for her husband doesn't mean she co opts your party for your husband

I can see why you feel the way you do. I’d be raging, too.

What does your DH think about cake and coffee only at your house? That way it can be really limited on time and expense.

I would be 100% saying no to anything bigger at your house or a meal out. It’s the principle!

Say they can come and cook at your house, or hire a venue/book a restaurant. Make it clear, because you shouldn't have put up with it this long-if he thinks his house is too small, then he and his wife/husband can hire a place. Or you can all agree on a restaurant, but the limit of organising you're willing to do is book a time.
I'd say has he been brought up to think women host, but presumably he had the same upbringing as your husband, plus if his spouse is a woman then even that is no excuse, It's clear they are just lazy, unless there's a genuine reason they can't do any work.

Your DH can't eat his cake and have it.

It's his twin he needs to put on his big girl knickers and rummage around in his word tin and use his words...

Its a ludicrous situation of his own making...

Based on your original post and the clarifications you have provided in response to people’s questions, I think these are your 2 best options:

1. tell BIL that you can have the celebration at your house but he and his wife need to take responsibility for the food/drink (including a birthday cake).

2. suggest they book a neutral space (e.g. a village hall or a private room in a pub).

Your husband really needs to stand up for himself. I am also the “responsible one” out of my siblings so he has my sympathy there but he also has to accept some blame for continuing the trend that is parents set of infantilising his twin! As his wife I would have lost patience long ago and told him not to complain to me about the situation if he wasn’t willing to do anything about it.

If the Birthday Person pays for the birthday dinner then surely the RT and LT both pay for the birthday dinner.

(Must say I don't understand why the birthday person/s pay the whole bill but every family is different, clearly!)

Well, seeing as your DH has enabled his twin's entitled behaviour for years annd years and seems likely to continue doing so, there is not a lot you can do. Unless your DH grows a backbone and is willing to state that this year you and he will not be hosting the birthday celebrations, there is nothing you can do.

I don't understand why the party cannot be hosted by other members of the family if the CF twin won't do it. Your DH can't really complain if he is not willing to take a stand and stick to it.

They’re grown adults. They absolutely do not need to have joint birthday celebrations. I would say I’ve organised a surprise for DH so you’re celebrating on your own this year. It doesn’t need to be something outlandish; a night in a log cabin with a hot tub, a night at a spa hotel, a caravan at butlins, literally anything! They may sulk, but that’s a them problem. They’re not still sharing the same womb.

I’d say it’s less the hosting but more about shared work and finances on the party really. I’m guessing you wouldn’t have as much of an issue if twin said ‘ours really is a bit of squeeze but I’m aware you always take the bulk of the work. Would you be ok if we share the cost and we will also come and help cook/decorate/clear up etc’

So maybe you’d do a joint Costco trip and split the end cost and then go back and do everything together.

OP would you be ok with it if that happened? Could you suggest similar?

What ever you decide to do for this birthday, I would say that this is the last time you will host.

Leave the lazy twin and cf Sil in no doubt that you have hosted for x number of years and it's about time they hosted, organised and paid for future celebrations.
Make sure there is absolutely no doubt that you mean it. Don't take no for an answer what ever excuse they come up with, LT has to find a solution.

Make sure DH is on board with this before the birthday and he doesn't crumble.
I imagine there will be plenty of moaning and complaining from DH family, rip the plaster off otherwise you will host forever.

Your DH wants to please his family and not make waves.
And likewise, you want to please your DH and not make waves with him either.

It seems you aren’t prepared to really put your foot down and risk an hour’s worth of stern straight talking with your DH to break this pattern of ridiculous, cheeky, entitled behaviour. Just as he isn’t prepared to do it with his brother.

There are so many different celebration options available to you to put a halt to being made a mug of, if only you would stand up for yourself and risk a bit of a falling out with your oh so passive DH.

Your DH has already suggested it’s his twin’s turn this time. Run with that and don’t back down.
If poor babied BIL has the nerve to say ‘no I won’t host’, so can your DH find the strength to say ‘that’s fine, DW and I are doing something different this year because it’s taking the Mickey to keep telling us we are doing it all.’

Have you kids @FedUpTwinWife ? Why not turn the significant birthdays over to them to plan it? And the younger they are, the better. You can direct them to ensure granny and granpop are invited and keep schtum about LT…. I mean, no one will take it up with a six and eight year old,or a 12 and 14 year old and nag them to ensure they invite LT en famille. And you can keep pressing how it’s their Daddy’s Big Birthday day,and how to make it special. Maybe you can arrange the drinks on the QT. Could be a hoot. Pin the Tail after a few glasses of wine and iced rings sounds a fab way to spend a birthday!!

Limited options, especially as your DH wants to celebrate with his family and wants to keep the peace, but I'd encourage him to delegate something to his twin. He and his wife can bring something, surely! Don't ask, just tell them that they need to bring XYZ. Or tell them that their contribution to the costs of the celebration will be ££ (or £££). I wouldn't be surprised if they resist or MIL comes to the rescue so Lazy Twin doesn't have to lift a finger or open his wallet, but I'd have to at least try to open their eyes to the fact that they really ought to be contributing.

This is a good idea. Tell Sil you are getting your DH his own birthday cake this year as there won’t be room for a double dose of candles, but that is it as far as the catering goes. Say that since you will have the “fun” of getting your house guest ready that she will be in charge and gets everyone organised to bring ALREADY PREPARED food. Don’t have any truck with “ we will get a delivery made to yours” so you end up prepping stuff.

If she kicks off then just list all the birthdays and .christmases etc that you have hosted and tell her firmly that it is time she picked up the slack, say you want to be able to relax and enjoy the celebration for a change.

If he wants to celebrate all together why can't you all just meet up for a drink in a bar where everyone pays their own way? Or a meal where everyone pays their own way if there are children involved?

If there are other siblings, how about asking them to host, either at their home or by organising something at a local restaurant (where everyone pays for themselves). The public rationale would be that DH (and op) have hosted for years and this is an opportunity for DH to enjoy his birthday in the way everyone else does, by being spoilt and not having to host. The underlying reason being it would also break this mould where one twin does all the work and the other gets all the fun.

Your DH needs to not blink.

Would something smaller work. Just cake?

Only get your own cake from your DH. Message LT you are welcome here with your own cake. They can book a restaurant or whatever else they want.

I am a RT, I have a LT. I don't host them or pander to them. I would tell them to contribute equally. Easier and more appropriate for the person related to deal with. I would go away for my actual bday and arrange a smaller, family thing.

They are saying they can’t host because of house size.

You say we cannot host because we are burnt out of hosting and we can’t take it on this time…

Stand up to them!

You need to flip the way you look at it for your own mental health. If husband wants the party then invite people and see it as you are doing this for him. If the wife messages asking for certain cake etc, just reply with I’ve sorted the cake for husband you are more then welcome to bring one for BIL and his preference. Or say to wife can you bring xyz for the joint party. Lean in to the fact it’s party for both. Don’t just be annoyed at something and let it go on for years. In all walks of life you will get people who take the piss if you let them

This rings true about MIL coming to the rescue…when DH and I first got together, LT was going through a chaotic phase with not being responsible with finances and to move back in with MIL/FIL. DH, LT, and I went out for a meal together when he came to see our baby for the first time. When the bill came, LT ignored it completely. DH asked LT to pay his share, and LT said he didn’t have enough money, so DH paid it. DH had a call later that evening from FIL—“What—you can’t even buy your brother a meal?” We were skint too, having just bought a house and had a baby. So the dynamic about mollycoddling LT is very much there—we won’t get support from PILs.