Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

Have you ever replied to the many posters suggesting you book a meal out and tell everyone to pay for themselves if they want to join you? Why are you ignoring this?

Surely the capable siblings will be on your side?

Rightly or wrongly, OP, you know this is going to happen and it's going to be at yours as it's a milestone birthday and your DH wants to do it.
So biting the bullet and accepting this will save you a lot of stress much as you'd prefer not to be doing it - presumably the next nine won't be milestone birthdays so you have time to change things then, go away, eat out or whatever.
But, back to this one - let it be known that you will host but need people to put their names down for providing parts of the meal. So you say, we are happy to host and will provide a main course and DH's choice of cake. Between the rest of you can you please provide wine/drinks, nibbles, selection of puddings/cheeseboard, cake if different to the one we will provide, please sort this amongst yourselves and bring on the day.
And stick to your guns, if they complain or have an excuse why they can't then say this is what you are prepared to provide, if they can't or won't then there will be no party. End of.

@Shinyandnew1 It wouldn't surprise me if the LT sat there and refused to get their card out when the bill came though. He sounds like that type of CF!

But it sounds like birthday person pays at each meal.

so they would have gone up non twin siblings birthday meal and been treated.

and parents birthday.

hubby is just treating his family to a meal as usual. The issue is lazy twin never treats anyone. And no one comments about it.

I think I would speak to PIL and ask them why they treat LT like a child. I would point out all that you have to take on and that LT and his wife just accept it as their due. I’d say it’s neither fair nor reasonable for you and DH to continue and ask why they have always thought they need to infantilise LT.

This

Solidarity! In in-law family there are 4 siblings, 2 of which basically never host, for reasons, which boil down to laziness. In laws celebrate every bloody birthday, and so we see them monthly , the same group of 15 people, it’s so booooring, and every December it’s 3 bloody times in a month.

I host twice a year. I refuse to do more, especially as I don’t like these events, and have to speak in a foreign language throughout, so they feel like an extended language exam. One of my SILs is on an annual campaign for me to host her daughter’s birthday party, as my birthday is 4 days before hers. Every year I say ‘my birthday present is not having to host a family event.’ Every year MIL ends up hosting for niece ( my birthday is ignored!)

I offer no solution. In-law dynamics which have existed years before you arrived are impossible to change as it’s a yearly battle. You just have to make it survivable. Order those single twinpersonalised banners / cake now! And buy in food other twin hates! Do it 100% single twin way on a tiny budget and spend rest of budget on a weekend away. If you don’t laugh you will cry!

This would definitely throw a grenade. Especially if this message/accusation of bad parenting comes from the DIL (me). MIL is very much a “no woman is good enough for Mummy’s little soldier” type of woman. This coming from the woman who “stole” her son will go down like a lead balloon.

This family set up sounds really dysfunctional your BIL is obviously the golden child and his parents expect all the other siblings to worship at the altar of the LT.
Does your DH want to keep the status quo and continue to host because he’s trying to “buy his way into his families affections”, has he been doing this one way or another his whole life?
it does sound like he’s scared to say no because then his parents won’t want to celebrate his birthday with him and will focus all their attention on his twin, even if they have to pay for the privilege?
if you suspect that this is the case then encourage your DH to distance himself from this dynamic and not just at birthday times either. You are his main family now and the ones who love him for himself and not for what you can get out of him.

Just say fine, but you're hosting it DH and this will be the last time I am involved.

But why isn’t your husband splitting the cost?

Sometimes, grenades have to be thrown.

This is surely a windup, who would be this stupid to put up with this?