Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

Can you do a low key veggie chilli and rice.

And birthday cake for pudding.

Do no alcohol fizz.

Tell everyone you are on a a health kick

Just say you are going away - you don’t actually have to. Then have a ‘last minute’ change of heart and go ahead with your wanted plans

We have similar with my sister - I hosted my mum for about 22 years for birthdays, mother’s day, Christmas Day. So the last 3 years, with me now being in a blended family and our diary over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day literally spanning the needs of 3 different families (us and both of our exes), I’ve requested she has her Christmas only, I’ve still done birthday and Mother’s Day with mum each year, but we’ve just not been in a position to host anyone over Christmas

Sister said she’s not having mum this year but equally, we aren’t hosting anyone so to make it easier all round, we are just telling my family we are going away.

Yes I sound and feel like a terrible daughter, but Mum has dementia, she’s particularly hard work now, can be very shouty and sometimes slightly aggressive, involves one to one care and it’s not quite as easy as just having her round for a few hours. It’s dedicating an entire day to just her - organising her transport to and from our house, sitting with her, assisting her every need (toileting, walking etc) and hosting her overnight as she can’t drive, and would mean DP wouldn’t get time with his kids either as he wishes, and we usually pop to see his family (all his family go to his sisters) for a couple of hours very late on after we’ve spent a few hours together when our kids go to their other parents and Mum doesn’t like to go so we couldn’t even take her there, so he would also miss out on that.

We are planning on having her a few days before Christmas for a celebration then.

Sometimes you just have to do you.

Your DH would like a gathering with his family If this is at home the work for you would be almost the same if he did not have a twin.

I would not make my DH’s milestone birthday the fulcrum of family feud or friction just because of SIL’s attitude.

The ongoing taking for granted is an issue for the future but some of the posts here will just destroy a happy birthday for the OP’s DH.

A view from the real world rather than keyboard-warrior land.

Booking a restaurant IS your solution @FedUpTwinWife

find somewhere to host it, sort your own cake and tell the rest to confirm their places and the cost is ££ per head.

Sadly, MIL would probably love this and volunteer to bring the pass the parcel! 😂

I do think this is the key question

Why does your DH want to celebrate with parents (and LT) who treat him like this??

"Because they are family" isnt an acceptable answer. He has a family. You and your children.

I know how gauling it is.
My dh had this including being told off by paremts for not buying everything for bil. he paid for everyone's birthday dinners except bil (pil paid for that) and his parents wedding anniversary dinners 😵‍💫

I just kept highlighting its not normal and why does he want to let them treat him so poorly and hurt his feelings? Eventually he came round and we now have tactcs.

I’m not sure op, because I do most of the hosting thinking and cleaning beyond the obvious, I am absolutely refusing to have dhs sister and family for dinner. I won’t pander to the everyone should just expect nothing contribution from her and host if you want to see her. But the twin issue makes it harder. I do know I would be away next dh birthday and I’d send a photo of us having an amazing time with here’s to a wonderful birthday for dh! To the family chat. Wouldn’t mention LT. if someone mentions it you can be oh yes happy birthday to Lt too.

Why can’t you all go for a meal?

The way I view it is that your DH is actually the weaker twin, as Lazy Twin is strongly defending his right not to stir his lazy arse or lift a lazy finger, nor actually stick his hand in his wallet. He seems to have no difficulty in doing what he wants, saying a firm NO he won't be hosting, NO his wife won't be hosting, NO they won't be involved in all the cooking and clearing up that hosting involves. And your DH just rolls over and takes it. What a muppet! He's an adult, why can't he see that his twin is using him in a particularly unlovely manner and start saying NO himself?

I'm a twin and love my sister to bits, we are very close but we are considerate of each other and ensure neither of us is taken advantage of. I have too much respect for my sister to treat her with such disrespect in the way your husband's brother is. It's utterly shameful that the rest of the family condone this behaviour and that your husband just takes it, like he has no agency. He needs to grow a bloody backbone and put a stop to this, it's gone on way too long already!

The OP has explained that then they will be expected to pay.

Give lazy twin and sil a job or 5.

"Sure we can host again if you dont have space to take a turn, we will sort the meal. You sort the cake and wine/soft drinks"

Means they are at least contribute in some way.

So it's your DH's birthday, he wants to share it with his twin, and he does most of the cooking?
YABU then.
It's his birthday, he should get to spend it how he likes.
It'd be a different story if he wasn't bothered or was expecting you to do everything.

@FedUpTwinWife- re going out not being feasible because you’d be expected to pay, this is something you could upfront say “we always host and it’s draining. If you don’t want to host I understand, would you be up for splitting the bill for a restaurant lunch or we could reserve some space in a pub and get them to do a buffet which which split the cost on, then everyone gets their own drinks.”

You can tackle this head on. Just because this is how your ILs have behaved you don’t have to act like it’s normal. Lazy twin might be fine with paying just not organising. Or when faced with being expected (reasonably) to split the cost, deciding to duck out.

try, what do you have to lose at this point ? Get a group chat going with you, dh, bil and SIL and be brave to act like everyone is reasonable.

Honestly I'm thinking of doing this for mine now 😂

Honestly, I know that this was years ago, but I wouldn't be able to get past your FIL's obvious preference for the useless LT to the point that he would scold you and your DH for not treating LT to lunch when your FIL must have known that you didn't have any money to spare after just having a baby and buying a house.

I'd have pulled back from your PILs at that point. Such overt favouritism for LT while having such unfairly high expectations of your husband would make me massively dislike your enabling PILs.

I realise that you are only not going nuclear because it would upset your DH, but you must nearly explode with the unfairness of the whole situation.

I’d say we are not up to hosting, let’s go to x for a meal and insist on splitting the bill.

Your DH sounds completely spineless. Tell him to grow up. Shared birthday parties are cringeworthy !

I would host but do it super cheaply. Aldi pizza. Or some really cheap dish like Mac n cheese. Lollies for pudding.

OP is ‘ready to explode’ at the entitled behaviour over years at Christmas and birthdays. She finds it ‘infuriating’ and is holding back from throwing a grenade into the family and telling the twin to f* off and never enter her house again.

So many solutions and sound advice offered here but OP isn’t taking it in. She is only responding in a light hearted manner as if it were all tongue in cheek venting from the beginning.

She is hiding behind the invented paper-thin walls her and her husband have put up between them eg we can’t go to a restaurant as we would be expected to pay. We can’t ask him to pay for himself as FIL would object and tell DH off. We can’t ask SIL to help as she is bosses me about and doesn’t help or pay.

For goodness sake OP !

Can you host as in provide the venue but do takeaway? You ll probably still get landed with the bill but no cooking and tell everyone its BYOB in terms of alcohol. Tell twin yo bring his cake and DH will have own too' then we can cater for everyone's tastes/definitely have enough cake'

I’d just ignore any emails from his DW and feign ignorance that they went into your junk folder. If you’ve no choice but to engage I’d just decline all requests e.g. ‘Cake has already been ordered to DH taste, if you want a specific cake you’ll have to sort your own’.

Alternatively jump in first and delegate a good amount of the effort to her e.g. ‘since you want a JOINT party and we’re providing the venue and food, you provide the drinks, nibbles, XYZ…’