Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

You know, you don't actually have to host anyone for your DH's birthday. Just go out for the day with your own family.

"Sorry but we're having a meal, just the 2 of us on DH's birthday, but if you want to organise something for the night before/after we'd love to come, just drop us the details".

Would me my answer to it all.

I agree with a pp. Maybe host if you have the most space (assume PILs don't have a large enough home?) but be forthright and say to the family that as no-one else will step up and host, then you will, but you're not going to fund the catering or alcohol as you shouldn't be taking the hit every time. Ask who is going to pitch in and pay for things. If people refuse to cough up, then no party. Simple!

To be fair to DH, he does do most of the cooking when his family come.

The issue in the communication is that it’s between the twins themselves—I’m not involved. Literally the only time I was put in the loop was when his DW was sending her “requests” via email for the last milestone dinner. We literally have not emailed or texted in a decade.

Yes, this is completely enabling. His whole family do it, and I’m not part of the communication channels.

So it's your DH that wants you to host, not your BIL?

You are being too accommodating and they are CF's. You need to be really clear that you are not hosting and funding another celebration. They are lazy, and as long as you just do it all, they will expect it. They think you are mugs. That would irk me.

I am another one thinking that going out for a meal with everyone paying for themselves would be best.
I think you have to be honest with your DH that you are sick of hosting and expect him to support you.
Don't ever allow your BIL or his wife to tell you what you need to do in your own home.
Your husband and his twin should have their own cakes and you need to tell your BIL and his wife that you will not be providing his.

DH wants to celebrate his milestone birthday with his parents and all of his siblings. He does not want to host. But because his twin has said that he cannot host, it is looking like we will be having the meal here by default.

Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere

Of course these are options. You are just choosing the discomfort of hosting and being bossed about rather than the discomfort of saying 'Actually, no, this year we're just going out for dinner alone/ away for the weekend/having our own separate party with our friends.' It's a choice. No one has you both at gunpoint. Make a different choice, and feel a different discomfort.

I don't really understand why it bothers you, in that case? If you aren't cooking and aren't part of the communication do you have to get involved in any way?

If DH wants to cook and host then let him. I'd have either ignored SILs emails or simply sent a quick message saying, 'Dunno. Nowt to do with me. Ask your own DH?'

I wouldn't be making an effort to tidy up or clean if you're not wanting to host. Let DH sort it all if that's what he's keen to do. Or, like others have said, suggest to him that you just go out/away the two of you.

Could you agree to host, but take the reins on organising your dh’s twin and his wife’s contributions, @FedUpTwinWife?

”Hi Lazy Twin and wife,

We will host for the twins’ birthday, but you will need to do 50% of the work - I am not prepared to do almost all the work this time. You can organise the cake - dh’s favourite flavour is X - and bring (list of food, with amounts). We will host, and provide the rest.
Love
@FedUpTwinWife“

Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option It is a choice though.
Having said that, I fully understand your DH wanting his family around. Why not just invite his parents for a lunch -and clearly say it's lunch so Twin2 gets a chance for dinner with his parents. Say after 30?40? years and as your in-laws get older, it has become important for some one on one family time.

Twin sounds about 10, his wife must be a wet wipe to put up with this shit.

I would just be very blunt at this stage actually ... I would have nipped this in the bud years ago.
Just say we are not hosting and we are not funding , it your turn and it's been your turn for X amount of years. Then stand your ground and do not give in to any of them.

I would at the very least ask them to contribute- either financially or by bringing stuff.

DH WANTS to celebrate his milestone with his family.

Hire a venue, send a group message “ this years milestone birthday will be at X on this time etc…” Seperate message between you DH & BIL/Sil cost will be X each, “can you transfer X to my bank account as I will be organising it all and need to pay upfront” Then I’d cater everything to exactly what your DH likes with an oppsss if something dosnt suit BILs tastes on the night.

Can you find a cheap venue (church hall, scout hut etc.) and tell the brother you’ve organised the venue, they can do the catering.

I don’t think it will work to host at your house but try to force the twin to do 50% of the cost / effort. Fundamentally if it is at your place, you carry the can to make it work. My suggestion would be that DH chooses a restaurant to celebrate with a family meal and books for whoever accepts to come, making it crystal clear that everyone is paying for themselves. He can suggest to brother that they cover their guests 50/50 but when twin inevitably declines, it is everyone for themselves.

You could hire a hall, cost split between each family going, and everyone brings a dish to share. Twin's DW organises who's bringing what.
Twin buys his birthday cake, your DH buys his.

PiL host.

Twin does actually host, everyone squeezes in.

Go for a special lunch with your DH and DC, then have the rest of them for drinks in the evening. Twin brings some bottles and nibbles to add to yours.

Id say ... well no problem, you can host at our house. You arrange food/drink/cake ... we've done it for past xx years, it really is your turn!

Exactly what I came on here to say. Book somewhere and go. You will NOT regret it!

*Sorry, just saw your next post about annual leave.
As much as you loathe to host again. You could make your husband’s birthday present a holiday away for next year’s birthday? Then you can host this year with a big smile on your truly happy face as you think about how next year will be a game changer forever! I wouldn’t mention it either and be smug all year 😂

BIL has asked what is happening - tell them and take control!

Get in there first: send SIL a message saying 'Fine to host at our house - can you do cake and desserts if we do savoury buffet? Maybe MIL can cover wine and fizz'? SIL - could you organise some games, and we'll put together some photos.

Etc

Then ONLY do what you volunteered.

If she pushes back with some reason why they can't do cake / desserts say 'oh well, there will be plenty of sausage rolls so hopefully no one will miss cake'

Have a celebratory dinner or something nice with you and DH and kids the night before.

Rubbish. If you choose to do that then fine, but it’s a choice, not the default

Text them all. Say you don’t want to host again also have decided you’re going out and they’re welcome to join onto the booking but everyone will need to pay for themselves. Say the restaurant will take orders by family.

Then he deals with telling his twin that he's sick to death of hosting, and that his twin has the option of hosting in his own house or hiring somewhere. Not your circus or monkeys.