Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

Could you all go out, hire a private room in restaurants etc and insist they pay their way? It sounds sadly like the behaviour is top entrenched to ever change, but some things can change within the situation. Ie if twins wife messages again, say 'nice idea, I'll leave that with you I'm busy organising my side if things', make them chip in financially. Its a frustrating thing to see someone you love under appreciated by his family

This - perfect response!
And add………’If I don’t receive your financial contribution by (date) I will take it that you don’t want the party and me and DH will make alternative arrangements of your own’.

Your dh is an adult , who is entitled to celebrate his own birthday . Yes I get he is a twin but surely they have gone away from wearing the same outfits , sharing a bedroom and always being seen as a ' single entity ?
He's a grown up , go out for a meal as a couple or with your dc , go out for the day , anything but a family meal .

Break the habit .

Your dh is exacerbating the problem here. He needs to take control of this and just speak to his twin.

Agree with PP suggesting a venue (private room at pub etc) with a package that has clear costs. And don’t organise it!! Your DH can say, preferably in a family WhatsApp so there are witnesses, ‘we can’t host the birthday party at ours this year so assuming you’re not going to take your turn and host at yours, LazyTwin, what about x venue/package? It costs £4000 for everything so let me know when you’ve booked it and I’ll send you our share. Also happy for you to find an alternative yourself.’

It sounds like possibly PIL might step in then, if LT really can’t organise a piss-up in a brewery… either way, won’t be at yours or you organising it.

I’d be inclined to not give an excuse and say ‘because we’re fed up of always organising, hosting and paying for all of it’ if anyone asks, but you can use the cowboy/kitchen one here if needed.

Why does your DH want to celebrate with parents who treat him like this??

Imagine calling your child up to have a go at them because they suggested they split the cost of a meal (a completely normal suggestion) and then paid for it all in the end anyway!
Imagine being such a complete dick of an adult that after your brother pays for your meal, you run to daddy to complain that before he paid for it, he suggested you contribute.

This.

Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option.

Of course it is.

Exactly my first thought

LT is just a wee little manbaby who can’t possibly do anything involving any sort of self-sufficiency. It’s infuriating. 🤬

Assuming it’s a 30th or 40th birthday it’s okay to point out that they are now an adult and it is reasonable to expect them to pay for and organise the things they want.

I'm going against the grain here. If your husband wasn't a twin then you would still have to pay for his family to celebrate. The only extra cost is an extra cake. This dynamic has been in place before you joined he family and I would just roll my eyes and let your DH sort it out. I don't think the tight-wad twin is right, but it isn't really a battle that you can fight this close to a significant birthday without causing drama which will possibly ruin the occasion. In every single family there are members that refuse to host or contribute.

I would however suggest a group WhatsApp where you blatantly spell out a list of things you will cover and things the other twin will cover. He probably won't purchase or do these things but at least then you have made it clear that you aren't going to do them. See how it goes.

This. You don’t have to go away but who tf has joint birthday parties with their twin as an adult?! Organise something for your DH and if Twin’s wife contacts you about the birthday, express surprise and say you assumed she’d organise something herself for her own husband. Just stop all these joint parties!

If it’s a special birthday where you feel compelled to have the twins together, then don’t be drawn into hosting it. You don’t need to make up elaborate excuses. Just say No. You’ve done it numerous times before and it’s someone else’s turn.

As for the Twin being infantilised, is he the younger Twin? Either way, he seems to have got into a pattern of immature, useless behaviour. Don’t pander to it. You’ll be doing him a favour.

Backyard bbq. Sausages, bread rolls, tomato sauce. BBQed onions if you want to realllllly splash out. Cake for your DH.

That's it - nothing more. Minimal expense, minimal effort.

If the weather is cool, rug up.

Birthdays do not require guests to be wined and dined.

Good luck, OP.

Why on earth would you have to fund a dinner out? I would simply be saying that it will be a dinner out this year and make it crystal clear
you are happy to go halves (although why the twins parents can’t contribute is beyond me). If people say they cannnot afford it then simply say ah well, you will go out with DH and your family on your own as you cannot fund it all either

This happens in my family. Everytime we push back and insist someone else caters, the "weaponised incompetence" card is played.

But it is also the LT’s birthday so why can’t they both pay half? There is no way no how I would be putting up with this. Absolutely sharing a birthday meal - yes. Hosting again? Nope 👎 no way no how

Kindly, because your DH sounds nice - it’s his problem. He should sort this. I think it’s time to really push back on this issue. It’s upsetting his wife (you) and it’s really not on. Time for big boy pants and a real push back to parents, LTwin and LT’s CF wife. I’m infuriated just hearing about it. 🤦🏼‍♀️

So speak up loud and clear for a change instead of being unnecessarily infuriated, and suffering in silence every year.

They are making mugs of you both and you are enabling it becasue you don’t want to upset anybody. That’s so feeble on your part.
Speak up like a grown up.
Enjoy your husbands birthday for a change in the way you both want to enjoy it instead of being infuriated every birthday and Christmas.

OP, you don’t have to continue to live inside your husband’s childhood mindset. You can break out of it even if he can’t and you can speak up for yourself.
That would be the correct thing to do for the health of your relationship.

Being an adult means paying your way and not taking advantage.
Being an adult also means not inviting others to take advantage of you….continuously….. simply because the cheeky ones expect it and you don’t want to upset them.

Is that what you would want for your own children …to be that sort of unhappy victim twice a year.

It’s horrible bullying, an injustice -dressed up as family tradition.
For goodness sake, if you find it infuriating, make your DH recognise it as such.

LT is just a wee little manbaby who can’t possibly do anything involving any sort of self-sufficiency. It’s infuriating

Because everyone panders to him. Time to stop and push back.

If you really can't get out of hosting just scale eberything back and only do a cake for your husband. Ask the BIL's wife to sort his cake out and if she won't then he doesn't get one.

Maybe I wasn’t clear in my OP…the major issue is birthdays; and Christmases are only a part of it (Christmases are taken in turns by the “capable” 🙄 siblings). Christmas doesn’t fall to us every time.

In summary after reading most of the thread, it is clear your DH cannot:

• have a party with his family
• not carry LT (love this acronym)
• not rock the boat

at the same time. So he is going to have to choose which of these to compromise on based on his priorities such as:

• don’t celebrate with family (eg holiday)
• not carry LT at all costs - leave it up to him, insist it is his turn (risk not having any celebration)
• risk upsetting the family by saying he is hosting a party just for him and LT can do his own or going to a restaurant and not paying for everyone

if he continues his usual MO and chooses not to rock the boat and celebrate with his family as he has done every other time, what you can do is refuse for yourself not to carry LT and ESiL. If she contacts you about a cake or anything else, flip it back and make it her job. ‘I’m getting x cake for DH, if you want anything else feel free to organise’. It will make you feel a bit better.

Next time say - we aren’t hosting, but found a lovely restaurant. If you would like to be added to the reservation we can. Each family will be paying their own.

Then the “family” gathering is not in your home and it’s time limited to a couple hours.

If LT wants to behave like a chi ild and his family are determined to let him (including your DH to some extent by the sound of it) they get a kids party.

Cheap balloons, sausage rolls, chicken nuggets, jelly and ice cream...photo cake frim
Asda.

At least it's easy and less expensive and maybe they won't ask again.

So can DH not choose and book a restaurant? Job done. Then if you get any requests from twins wife you can just tell her to feel free to organise it and bring it to the restaurant.

Your husband needs to grow a pair and tell his family he is tired of organising and paying for everything. As a host he never gets just to enjoy himself! His brother is very selfish but you're both enabling him & your SIL. And definitely make them contribute! I can't stand freeloaders!