Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

@FedUpTwinWife- can I suggest then you start a group chat with your dh, bil and SIL and say something like “hi all, thought best we plan like this! BIL I know you want to do a joint celebration again but don’t want to host at your house. We really don’t want to hold anything here so what do you suggest? How about a restaurant between you or perhaps see if we can reserve some space at a pub and get them to put on a buffet? SIL do you have any venue ideas?”

Be clear, he’s not going to be able to just show up at your house when you have cleaned and cooked and hosted. If he wants a “just show up” party, he can pay for it. Or at least pay half.

Stop hosting and go.out to a restaurant instead. Tell them you find hosting too much work and money.

Yes, your way is better.

How annoying!

Can you suggest something out of the house? 'Why don't we go to [play/cinema/paintballing/picnic]. Send me the money by x and I'll get tickets. Alternatively we can travel to you this time, I'll bring a salad.

Failing that you are decorating/have a work deadline/are away/have decided to do something on your own now the children are getting older.

Another vote for a meal out with everyone paying for themselves. And if LT's wife wants a special cake, she brings it.

Go for an overnight to a nice hotel then ...and relax and enjoy!

Yes and make it clear everyone needs to stump up.

Hire a hall very close to lazy twin. He can bring the food or ask others to bring something. He can organise the list.

Do you have a family WhatsApp group? If not start one and your first post is:

"We are doing something different for our birthdays this year. I've hired X hall at my expense - please liaise with (lazy) twin as to what dish to contribute to the meal."

Get caterers in to do the food/drink and get a complete costing and ask LT what special food they would like. Then tell LT that the total cost will be £X for the party and to please forward half the cost before you book. Caterers will come in lay up food buffet come back clear away taking all their crockery and cutlery with them.

Job done to everyone's satisfaction.

I would stick to your guns. DH has asked his twin to host this year. He can give every reason under the sun as to why he can not or turn up to a restaurant then that's up to him. Whatever you do, stick to your guns!

If you always pay for everything btw, would the cash saved by not hosting allow a hotel night for you and DH for the night? Or, if he really wants to spend it with his twin, just you?! :-)

What sort of birthday celebration does your DH really want, OP? I would do that, assuming you can afford it.

Don't make any concessions for the twin that aren't ones DH wants. But if your DH doesn't want to blow his family up, sucking it up is the way to go. It's not much of a birthday if he gets strife he doesn't want, is it?

I think a plain ask for half the expenses if twin wants to celebrate too is worth a go. You could up the ante by doing it in front of his parents somehow - in person or a family whatsApp group. But the guys a cheapskate. It's unlikely you can get him to really contribute without kicking up so much fuss it makes things uncomfortable. And if DH doesn't want that, you're kind of screwed.

I would laugh out loud if twin or his wife make suggestions for things, though. If you're paying, do it exactly as DH wants it and don't do anything at all at others' suggestion. Alternatively. if she asks for something, tell them how much it costs and that they need to transfer the money by x date if they want you to order/do that.

You could make sure your house is decorated for just your DH, with just his name on banners or something. I would suggest that for the cake, too, if they turned down a request to pay towards it. But if that's going to cause a row at the dinner, don't. That's probably not how DH wants to celebrate the birthday, is it?

This is a really good idea. Be interesting to hear what the excuse will be,as to why this doesn't work for them 🤦😬🙄

Why can’t your MIL host?

The twin brother's wife emailing with 'requests' would have been the perfect opportunity to tell her to get her own bloody cake. And similar with other requests she sends. What a cheeky madam.
You don't have to entertain this woman's nonsense. You could go out for a joint meal with the in laws. That's really the only option here.

Send a message to the family group chat, something like:

Hi all, it's coming up to that time of the year again! Me, DH and the kids are going to x restaurant to celebrate his birthday on x day. If anyone wants to join us that would be lovely, please let us know by Friday so I can book a table. Just to be clear everyone will pay for their own bill."

It might sound rude spelling it out but no ruder than they are. And tbh it's ridiculous it's ever got this far, you should have just laughed in his face the first time it was expected you pay!

Or just "we're not planning on doing anything big this year, if you want us to pop round and see you on the birthday let us know!" Then if you do go out I just wouldn't tell them, but if they did find out or DH didn't want to keep it secret just say 'Yeah we changed our minds last minute' or 'friend invited us out,' or 'we saw X place had a discount on.' If they ask why you didn't invite them just repeat 'it was last minute,' or 'we didn't think we'd get a table for 10 at short notice.'

Or say 'not sure, we might go out with friends.' Then if they try to invite themselves say 'No, it's a bit awkward because you don't know them.' Or MN tinkly laugh and 'haha no I always hate it when you try and mix two separate groups of people together.'

Then for future years just keep pushing it back on them. 'Oh, we haven't really decided yet, why, what are you planning for yours? Shall we come over?'
'No, there's not room in our house.'
'Oh, okay, no worries, let us know if you do end up planning something.'

Ok whilst LT is a useless fucker your DH has enabled this behaviour for years and realistically, if you want the status quo to change, it’s your DH you have to start with.

He wants to celebrate with family. Fine. But he doesn’t get to unilaterally decide that’s at your joint home or that family money is spent subsidising LT.

So the conversation I’d be having with DH is:

Option A: that he arranges a venue and makes clear that you as a couple will fund either just your family unit and everyone else pays for themselves, or LT coughed up 50% of the cost (and money paid upfront so he doesn’t forget his wallet on the night).

Or

Option B: you host at your home, but as above a budget is set for food/drinks/cake and LT stumps up half in advance to fund this (especially as you are providing the space and the legwork).

If your DH won’t agree to this then frankly you suck it up with as much grace as you can muster, or you get shitfaced on the booze you’ve paid for and make a big scene, preferably involving telling LT he’s a freeloading, tightfisted middle aged baby who needs to grow up now he’s 40 (or whatever age) and ensure you gift wrap a present with nothing in it to give to him as a representation of what he (literally) brings to the party.

The latter thus ensuring you’ll never be asked to host him a party again.

Or just say tea and cake at ours 2 until 4 (or some such). Then just do cake(s) and cups of tea.

Do twins ever uncouple? Or is it till death do them part?

I am soooo tempted to order loads of personalised banners that only say, “Happy Birthday Responsible Twin!” And get a cake with this emblazoned across the top in neon icing. And more party banners with DH’s face printed all over them.

This.

You can always have the party at your house but tell them it’s more than their turn to buy the cake and booze … they’re being CFs!

If LazyTwin and wife aren't hosting because your house is bigger, what about them providing the meal and you providing the venue? Send his DW a list of demands as she did to you.

Just out of interest, how would LT react if it was just spelled out to him? That you guys do every Xmas, every b'day, every special occasion. You cater, cook, clean, pay for absolutely everything and this time, after all these years, you would like LT to take control and organise it all.

Surely LT can't be that big a twat can he as to not take it on board?

Better still, hire a hall. Then the OP is faced with no clearing up..

Totally agree with the suggestion of saying this year it will be a local restaurant or nothing.
You say you will be expected to foot the bill. Why? Make it clear you will pay for your own immediate family but that's it. You and your husband are not responsible for his brother. This will only get worse if you don't make a stand. You already have had enough.