Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

Do not underestimate just how utterly unembarrassmed/lacking in shame tight-fisted cheeky fuckers are.

You dont have to host, tell them to. Thats it. Tell everyone its a their house etc.

PLEASE do this, if you can't get out of hosting. I do think you should say you're not hosting this year and suggest going out for a meal. But don't YOU choose the restaurant and don't YOU book it. And definitely don't bloody pay for everyone!

I’d send SIL a message’last milestone birthday (and all other ones) were on us. Your turn to organise this one. Enjoy!’

Good call except I expect op would be left with the hire charge and organisation.

I would put in the family chat that DH wants a break from hosting for his own birthday as he’s done the X last years, who is willing to host for a change?

Put it out there!

Two suggestions

1. Bill it as a "coming of age" party and make it clear this is the last one you'll do.
2. Change your e-mail address so that twin's wife's emails "go astray" so you don't have to answer them.

I think if this is what your husband wants to do and you love (or even like) your husband, then there is not much you can do apart from have a good rant on here. If he doesn't want to do it then its up to him to deal with it.

“Happy to have a party but can’t be at the house. You hire a hall and sort cake, once we have the date and venue we’ll sort some buffet bits”

look. Whatever you do, as long as as you offer them the chance to be together, you have done enough. But you need your DH inside here. Tell him you’re angry and fed up with them taking the mick.

“We’re going to celebrate with just the 2 (+ kids) of us this year, enjoy your own celebrations”.

Done.

Could you say to the twin, do you mind organising this year? You’re more than welcome to use our house as the base if easier. But could do with someone else’s energy and enthusiasm for organising this year!

If you have to host I’d say it’s too expensive/ time consuming to cook, let’s get a takeaway then you can all split the cost

People are way overthinking this.

offer to hold the event at your house but be very clear in the expectations on what people need to do/bring.

if they don’t do/bring whatever they’ve been allocated then they’ll look like the wallies.

job done

Book DH a mini break for just the 2 of you. Ask mil/twin to look after any DC you have whilst you are gone. They have a few cheap 3 day city breaks on Woucher and sometimes on Travel Zoo too. It won't cost any more than hosting his large extended family.

Are they very poor?

Can you call their bluff, so to speak? LazyTwin has given his reason as your house is bigger. Seize that.

"Okay, LT, that's a reasonable point. We'll provide the venue. But all the organising, decorating and catering needs to be done by you and LazyTwinWife. We just don't have the capacity to do it this time and it's definitely your turn to put in the work. From experience it's a lot easier to do all this in your own house so let us know if you decide that's easier."

And then stick to your guns. If everyone shows up on the day and they haven't sorted anything, hand them a menu for the local Chinese delivery.

Why on earth didn't you tell his wife to bring the cake when she started issuing orders?

If you are stuck with hosting assign everyone things they need to bring, and make sure cheeky twin and his wife are responsible for key items that involve effort or expense.

Otherwise go out for dinner! (But make sure everyone knows in advance that you will not be picking up the bill for them all)

Yeah they'd just have all the work in a less convenient location.

His birthday so his shout. But up to him to sort it out.

This…. Until you grow a pair and say “no” you are gonna have to suck it up. When they bat it back to you with “oh we can’t possibly host because…” knock it straight back with “of course you can we’ve had to do it”

We’ll do just that. And then contact twin’s wife, tell her that you’ve done exactly that and you’re sending her the links so that she can do the same for her DH. Tell her if she gets them to you before the day of the party, you’ll put them up for her. If she starts putting her orders in about the cake, say ‘oh no, my DH doesn’t like carrot cake so I’ll be getting chocolate. Although I can ask the cake maker how much a two tier cake will be if you want to go halves? If she produces a lot of jobs or things she wants for her DH’s party, say ‘there’s been some confusion Susan. I’m throwing this party for my DH, not yours. I’m more than happy to go halves if you want to, because I don’t want your DH to feel like he has to celebrate someone else on his birthday, but that means half the work and half the costs’.

If you want to give DH the birthday he wants, seeing his twin on their birthday is the only option. But you don't have to take instructions about how it's hosted. You could suggest everyone gets together for a meal out, or even a picnic in a park. Keep the work and the costs down and accept help from anyone who offers, and ignore 'suggestions' from SIL.

Maybe you feel you can't do anything for this birthday - but that doesn't mean you can't change from that point on. I would sit down with DH and make the point that his family now is you and your joint children, first and foremost. His parents, his siblings - they are now his extended family not his nuclear.

They are being CF, but I don't get the big fuss, your DH wants to celebrate with his family, and refuses to make them contribute, so you are stuck in that regard, it's a DH problem, and he'd be doing all that without his twin anyway, so essentially it is only tagging on him his wife and their children.

Either delegate things to them, or refuse to involve them, if they email/message, just say 'all sorted already'.. that is all the power you really have here.

That was exactly my first thought. I can't see why it's not an option!