Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

Throw the party at yours but say you are not providing a cake food or drink and that people have to bring that,.say we always host and dont mind but that no food or cake or drink will be supplied by you,. Keep your drink in a cupboard for you

That sounds incredibly frustrating. I’d just do something incredibly simple like a cake and a cup of tea or chilli and baked potatoes or something if it really has to be a full meal. Refuse any requests and state bring a bottle or similar.

I am slightly impressed that lazytwin’s wife doesn’t step up and take things on for him and delegates to others though! So often lazy men find an over functioning wife to take on responsibility for them!

Sorry there are other options but your husband is not willing to entertain them and you are enabling it. Very few grown men (that I know) have birthday parties, with the exception of big ones. Why don't you take control and tell them what you want them to do and to bring. Don't be a bystander in your home. Why not spend Christmas with your family instead or go on holiday. You need to make DH know how pissed off you are with the current arrangements.

You sound like a martyr. No one can make you cater and pay for these big family events if you don’t want to do it. Just go with the restaurant idea as people have suggested and let them book and pay for themselves 🤷🏼‍♀️

@FedUpTwinWifeso many people have suggested telling them you’re going out for a meal and they can join you, but everyone needs to pay for their own food and drinks and you haven’t responded to any? Why can’t this be the plan?!

Honestly, tell dh to grow up and get a pair. What age is he, 5???

This thread is classic mn...you dont have an inlaw problem, you have a dh problem.

I would delay celebrating DH's birthday for a few weeks and then have a party and call it something else (e.g. end of summer party, autumnal party) and not invite LazyTwin.

Would your DH be on board with this?

I dont see why going out is not an option.

"LazyTwin, for my (our!) birthday I have booked a table for us all at X restaurant. Due to numbers, we will all be paying our own bills separately as its easier than messing about with splits. Please see the attached menu for prices and let me know how many of you are coming to I can amend the booking if needs be"

If he doesnt want to pay, he doesnt have to go, easy.

So do as ive already said they can.come to yours but you dont provide food so they can bring cold food drink and cake but neither you or your husband will be involved and you are both looking forward to be spoilt for once

It's a DH problem I'm afraid.

You have accumulated hours and hours of labour on birthday parties for two ADULT men. Apparently they HAVE to have parties and YOU must provide them?! YOU and it can only be YOU.

The family obviously love these parties. You did too good a job in the early days.

This is more time and energy (& expense) than goes into most children's birthday parties.

@FedUpTwinWife say that you are going to host at yours but you are having a themed meal from a local restaurant- eg Indian, Thai etc.
Say you have got a quotation from that restaurant and their half is £x

I wouldn’t actually say I’ve booked the table.

I’d say, I’m going to book for the 4 of us (or however many in your house) at 8pm on the x. If you’d like to join us and come as well, let me know by x and we can do a big booking, but everyone will need to pay for their own food/drink.

Send it to tight arse twin and the parents on a WhatsApp.

The part of the story that would kill me is their not providing any food. drink, etc. There are many family members who have homes more conducive for parties and they take on that task. However, others should bend over backward to contribute more that their fare share.

You could have it at your house but make LT’s family responsible for the organising and clear up. ‘Hi LT, if you think your house is too small we’re happy for you to host it at ours and we can be the guests! RT would like a Colin the Caterpillar cake and a few bottles of Corona. Would you like us to supply the desert?’

Sorry but DH and twin are as bad as each other but in different ways - neither seems willing or able to grow a pair and stand on their own two feet. Either DH wants to do something separate from his twin or he doesn't. If he does, then he needs to open his mouth and say so.

Book a restaurant..get there first and tell the staff there will be separate bills....
Invite them all.

Advise them it's Pay For Your Own Household night...
Cheeky fuckers the lot of them.
Or suggest a bbq and send a food list amd ask them to tick what each is bringing...

I’ve just noticed there are other siblings-are they tight as well? Have they noticed how tight twin never pays? If they’re on side, I’d speak to them before making a group suggestion.

If they can all weigh in and reply to say, ‘yes, we’d love to come-obviously happy to pay our own bill!) that will pave the way and make things easier.

If the other siblings want your DH to pay for everyone’s meal and drink for every birthday till the dawn of time, then frankly he needs a different plan!!

My adult twins like to celebrate together … I don’t think they’ve ever spent their birthdays apart.

However your BIL needs to muck in with the plans.

You need to go out to celebrate and he needs to word it thus, as 'leader'.

dear fam
we love to get together for twin and my birthday and have everyone we love around us. But the organisation, hosting and expense has fallen to us every year for the last two decades, so this year I'd like us all to go out to celebrate. That way me and OP can also enjoy it and we can split the expense fairly. Where would everyone like to go? We'll put the suggestions into a hat and pull one out on X date (though me and Twin might get a little bit of extra weighting if there's no clear winner as it's our birthday ;-)

If your DH does want to celebrate with his family, you can host a do but ignore any requests for certain cakes, etc., provide what your DH wants and that's it. Ask family members to bring certain food contributions if that would be helpful.

Or go for a day out somewhere and let them know so if they want to join you, they can. Don't "invite" them though, or they'll expect you to pay!

Is the twin significantly less well off? Is this why you are reluctant to ask them to share cost? Their form for being tight isn't a reason to not insist on this.

All of you go out for a meal, everyone pays for themselves. Do the cake seperately at home.

We used to have huge family parties at Christmas when I was a child. We hosted as we had the biggest house, but everyone chipped in with some food or drink - it was all divvied up months in advance.

Yes love this but i would say we are very tired so not hosting this year, we have already booked for 4 of us at this restaurant at 8pm,.please ring them and add yourselves to the booking if you wish to join us, and if anyone mentions the party just reply.we are very tired and keep repeating that, and say to husband i dont care if it is your birthday its my home and i dont want them here and you are not having your money spent on.food and drink for them,

I'd create a group chat and say 'Hey family, could you all transfer X quid by X date please as I'm planning on going to the supermarket that weekend to get food and drink for the party. Bank details are xxxx Thanks 🎂