Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

Private room at a restaurant?

Tell his twin you have hosted and funded every celebration for years. It is their turn, and if they don't think their house is big enough, they can hire somewhere. Without getting emotional, just explain to them that over the years you have spent thousands on hosting, and hours of energy preparing, organising and clearing up after big family get togethers. Say you feel it is not unreasonable to expect them to take a turn. Or to offer to pay for caterers and wait staff on this occasion, so even if you host, you are - for once - not carrying the burden of cost and work.

At least you should ignore ANY requests from his Bro and wife. I'd also be inclined to suggest you tell them that the costs are split 50/50 this time, or ask them to do all the catering if they won't host.

Then presumably he can pay for it out of his own personal spending money, rather than the household budget.

I would suggest a function room with a bar. Get caterers in to put a buffett on and split the cost.

Why can't you go to a restaurant?

If they want to celebrate together, why can't their parents host, with everybody contributing if needed?

This would annoy me too. It’s just not fair if it’s always your turn and if your dh is cooking is he really enjoying his birthday?

I’d set up a family WhatsApp and invite the twins, all the siblings, their partners and your pil and say “for years we have been hosting the birthdays so for this milestone I’ve decided my lovely dh deserves to be able to enjoy the day to the fullest! It would be so lovely if we can take the hosting in turns from now on. So this time Lazy Twin and SIL can host, we can all squeeze in and it will be a lot of fun.”

I like the idea of telling twin to hire a hall if he thinks his house is not big enough - and basically batting back every objection he raises with a solution and keep reiterating you have done it for x years and it is his turn. When others ask what is happening, your DH can tell them it’s twins turn to sort it this time and to ask him - DH would like to know too! You can always go with the everyone pays for themselves restaurant idea at short notice when if twin lets you down.

Tell the twin they can organise, pay for and host it at your home. It's his turn. Or he isn't invited.

You go out for a meal then. It's absurd that you are expected to host and fund every family meal. Presumably they are all adults with adult income and can pay for a meal out as a special occasion.

If their house is too small, is going to MIL’s an option ?
Otherwise, eat out.
If the family baby his twin and always have done then not surprising they do not take the reins with things. Not saying that is right, it is a consequence of your DH being seen as the one to leads. And, by extension you.

Let him sort it out then. And if the SIL contacts you again, about cake or whatever, say you have no idea what's going on, so she needs to speak to LT. *

<Lazy Twin> *

Let your husband sort it out with his family if he insists they are there, don't get involved.

Go out for a meal then no-one needs to cater .

Don’t host! Go out for dinner x

Wouldn't his parents want to host it for their children?

His brother sounds absolutely pathetic and a real skinflint. If you do host then you shouldn't do it without agreeing to share all of the costs.

Does your BIL ever do anything for his wife's birthday?

You can either (1) do as you have always done and suck it up, (2) tell them that you can’t host this year and suggest going to twin or parents or a venue.

You don’t have to say why you can’t host. Just say you can’t. This is only your problem because you’ve allowed them to get away with it.

There is no reason why you can’t go out, have a joint picnic somewhere (everyone brings something), or someone else hosts.

If you really get pressed on why you can’t host, just look very tearful and say that you don’t feel able to talk about it.

You say you can’t host. Why not be honest?

Why don’t you go out for a meal and everyone pays their own bill? DH can choose and book it.

Absolutely hot the nail on the head here. The infantilising dynamic with LazyTwin™️ (thanks to the PP upthread for the name) has been in force way longer than I’ve been on the scene. DH was the “responsible” one and LT™️ was the one who never grew up, and it has continued though to middle age.

If you think you will allow them to use your house (one last time?!)

Be clear that it is JUST for space and that you will not be catering.

Hi CF brother-in-law,

As you refuse to share in the hosting after many events held at ours. We are happy to offer up our space, however it is your turn to arrange the food, decorations and cake this time. Otherwise we will not be able to hold this event at our home.

let us know what you decide.

The answer is that you host but it’s

BIL and his wife who organise, plan and cater.

God absolutely, it sounds very stifling