Twin brother expects us to host every time

[FedUpTwinWife]

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

If you’re expected to host and do the organising then do it your way. Tell DH you want a party WhatsApp group that you are a part of with Lazy Twin and his DW.

Then be really up front and clear with what you’re prepared to do and what you won’t. ‘We will provide the venue if you’re certain your house is too small, but this won’t be a repeat of last time, your side is going to have to pull your weight. We will provide drinks and dessert. You are responsible for main course.’ If they say they won’t/can’t then it’s ’Ok well if you really won’t contribute I guess we will all be doing our own thing.’

They sound unbelievably entitled.

Just tell them you aren’t hosting and are going to a restaurant/pub and will be splitting the cost.

This.

It's the obvious solution

Yes, sadly true. In some cases when backed into a corner, behaving like they normally do means people see them as they truly are. Sometimes saving face is enough to get them to do the right thing. Bet there would be no mention of a shared 'do' next b'day though!

@FedUpTwinWife Only because your dh wants it I would be OK with doing it. But I would create a WhatsApp group where it stated who was responsible for what. Ex db family bring birthday cake and drinks, Mil brings salad/whatever etc. If everyone participates you will feel less like a mug.

Simple. Take your husband away for his birthday a night in a lovely hotel with dinner and sex. Perfection.

Tell the twin in absolute definite terms that you are not hosting this time around. You did it last time. Suggest he book out a pizza restaurant and repeat 'we are not hosting this time; we did it last time'.

this!

You have a DH problem, as they say on Mn. It’s his enabling that has you in this position. Of course LazyTwin is a CF, and his wife, but there is no reason at all your DH can’t say “Ok we’ll host, but we can split the costs 50/50”. If he doesn’t want to say that to his brother he is choosing to host and to pay 🤷‍♀️

It's really weird and frustrating how families have this dynamic, both the same sex, same age, both married and yet your BIL is still treated as less than a responsible adult. As long as your DH wants a family celebration there really isn't much you can do @FedUpTwinWife at least not within causing a rift. I can imagine how frustrated you are Op, you can see there's no need to pander to his DB

Another vote here for the meal out option. And splitting the bill.
My family has this terrible tradition where the birthday person pays for everything at the restaurant. I really wish we could just split the bill each time. But because my parents always insist on paying for everyone when it’s their birthday we all have to get this eye watering bill on our birthdays—or it would not be fair.
@FedUpTwinWife I get the impression LazyTwin and LazyTwinWife have never bought you a meal in their lives—so absolutely no problem in telling them to split it with you/pay for their own meal.

If the other twin is a lot poorer they probably don't insist on contributions for this reason. Can see no other logic

Well then his choice is to either make his twin shoulder his share or keep right on doing what you’re doing.
What to you think the other options are, when your dh is happy with the current arrangements?

Both tell that truth that you no longer wish to host - work and expense etc and you've done it for years. Then suggest an extended family meal out as an alternative.

“Absolutely can’t wait to celebrate with you all but we won’t be hosting this year. It’s someone else’s turn. Looking forward to hearing some ideas” and then ball in their court

Is your DH actually bothered by this, or is it just you?

(Because I can understand why this dynamic is difficult to watch, but if your DH is at the moment happy to go along with it, there's really not a lot you can do).

DH sees my POV, but is still a bit in his weird family dynamic where LT is infantilised.

We’ve never discussed finances, so I don’t know the ins and outs, but I would guess our household has more income than theirs.

As @ItsIn says above, DH’s family has a firm tradition of the birthday person paying for everyone if there is a restaurant involved. These family traditions can be hard to break as a newcomer to the family in a DIL capacity.

DH did bat LT away when LT asked what the plan was, so it is all still up in the air. I have a strong suspicion that the person who will blink first is DH, and I’ll be siting with a face like thunder in my “Happy Birthday Responsible Twin” personalised party hat on the day. We shall see…

Not sure you've really got a choice then. Your husband wants to celebrate with his family and is unwilling to rock the family boat by confronting his twin in any way. So you'll just have to suck it up now and in the future.

send a message to all involved.
"Dear All, If we are having joint event this year,we actually feel that the load of providing all the labour, forethought & paying for this joint birthday event every year has run its course.
You will need to come up with another plan, book a venue. I'll let you decide
It's about time you put your hand in your own pocket.

Next time Lazy Twat Twin asks what the plan is, your DH should at least say he can’t make a decision until he knows how much cash LT is contributing.

Decide what kind of do you're having and ask them to contribute something specific. Any complaints, point out you've been shouldering all of this for years and would appreciate a contribution as it all adds up and will lighten the load.

Even when it's someone's turn in our family, everyone always contributes.

But Lazy Twin is the birthday person! Or one of. So should at least be paying half?

OP, you seem determined to be annoyed, work yourself up towards the last straw.

You could head SIL off at the pass by asking her to take responsibility for certain aspects before she starts sending orders / suggestions.

You say your DH does much / most of the cooking for his family gatherings, and he wants to celebrate with them . So your other option is drop the rope , relax, enjoy supporting your DH for the celebration he would like, and shrug: families are families.

Anything to avoid a family explosion / fall out that causes upset on the day. You are not a family in Albert Sq.

Your DH can celebrate with everyone at a restaurant and everyone can pay for themselves

What's wrong with that?

If that is true, and it’s not uncommon, then LazyTwin should have been paying 50/50 all the years you’ve hosted, since it’s his birthday too. As he should this year. I don’t get what’s so hard about saying this to him. DH needs a backbone, I’m afraid.