Do I confess my feelings to my boss before moving to the other side of the world?

[scaredaboutwork]

I’ve fallen in love with my boss. We are both 28. He’s not technically my line manager, but he’s one of two team leaders, so there is obviously still a work dynamic there.

I’ve genuinely never felt like this about anyone before. We’ve grown really close over the last few months and hang out outside of work sometimes, just the two of us. Nothing has actually happened and it’s all been platonic, but I feel like there is something between us.

I think he likes me too, but obviously I can’t know for sure.

There have been enough moments/signs that make me think I’m not imagining it, but I also know when you really like someone you can read into things.

My feeling is that if it is mutual, we’ve both probably avoided actually doing anything about it because 1) we work together, 2) he’s in a more senior position, and 3) neither of us wants to risk rejection and then have to see each other at work afterwards.

Which brings me to the problem.

I’ve been offered a job in Australia, starting in the New Year.

If he wasn’t in the picture, this would already be a huge life decision, but now I feel completely torn.

Part of me thinks I should just take the opportunity, go to Australia and accept that the timing with him was wrong. I also know that realistically pursuing something while I’m still working with him could get complicated.

But I keep imagining myself sitting on the flight wondering whether I’ve just walked away from someone I could have had something really special with because neither of us was brave enough to say anything. As I said earlier, I’ve literally never felt this way before.

At the same time, the idea of confessing how I feel terrifies me. If I’ve completely misread him, I’ve potentially made our friendship and working relationship awkward right before I leave.

Would you tell him before deciding?

As you are already friends can you say something like

"I would genuinely appreciate your thoughts on this opportunity I have to move to Australia. It would be good for my career I think. You have also moved countries - what aren't I considering? And is there anything else I should be thinking about? Are you going to beg me to stay? "

Oh, well, definitely tell him then. He could be pining after you, and you'd never know!

As a Kiwi, I think us women are very forward in terms of making the first move or putting out strong signs that we're interested, and thanks to that our men are (according to other cultures) pretty terrible at making the first move unless you're practically throwing yourself at them by other cultures' standards.

Disclaimer: Obvious generalisations, but still.

Invite him for a coffee on the pretence you want to discuss something with him about a job you've been offered and you are not sure what to do...

That way you can see if he likes you, you can trust him, and whether there could be a future together.

The fact is you are very young and unless you go for it you will never know...if you are not sure about the new job then do some more research, stop thinking about it, and see what happens naturally.

If the guy is not interested and you have the opportunity, grab it! Sliding Doors moments that only you can control....so be happy.

Wishing you the best outcome.

I would tell him. If he isn’t interested then you’ll feel gutted for a few days then move to Australia and probably never see or think about him again. If he is interested then it will somehow work out. DH moved to Brazil for 3 years just 4 months after we met. We did long distance and have been happily married 11 years with 2 kids. If it’s meant to work out it somehow will, if not it won’t.

Faint heart never won fair gentleman OP! Go for it and tell him! You’ll always regret it if you don’t. And if he doesn’t feel the same way, you’ve got an easy get-out: Australia. You have nothing to lose!

You could start with saying that you regretted not saying yes to his suggestion of a date and you’d like to go on one with him, then see how it goes. And report back, obvs!

That's great. No barriers really! I was in a similar ish position. Although I was going travelling for two years. Got with this guy who i'd liked for ages not long before going.
I still went.
I sent him a message about a month later saying I quite liked him and IF he was still single when I got back (he'd been single for years so thought I had a good chance!), we could rekindle etc. Anyway, he'd started seeing somebody!
This was years ago. He married her, had kids. Still see him as have mutual friend. I have a SO now.
Glad it all worked out like it did. I've caught him liking reform posts on FB...so I dodged a bullet! 😂
Anyway, that's a long winded way of actually saying...even though I said tell him. I would still go to Australia. It's not forever is it? You might even meet someone out there? Things just have a tendency to work out.... whatever that may be!

I was thinking the same

Why don’t you drop australia into conversation in one of your meet ups outside of work and guage his reaction.

Go to Australia, it’s an amazing opportunity. No man is worth losing out on such a great adventure.

I'm not sure if he would have when he's her boss.

Tell him then and go to Oz. 6 months is nothing! You can get talking while away...

I think he would have asked you out or at least flirted with you by now if he was interested.

I don't really see these situations where two people really like each other romantically but they just never ever say or do anything about it. Unless he's not single.

To place the future of your life on the chance this bloke might be your life partner seems like too high odds a bet.

I was in a similar situation around 10 years ago but I already had the move to a different country planned when I met the guy and we knew each other for around 5 months before I left.
I was very torn about the move in general and worried things weren't going to work out etc. And now that I look back I think I was looking for a reason to stay where I was and have an excuse to back out of the move without having to admit that I'd bottled it.

In the end, I moved and things turned out well and I'm happy with the life I have built here and feel like I'm better off than I would have been staying in the UK. I have stayed in touch a bit with the guy and I'm glad that I didn't stay for him.

I think it sounds like you need Australia for you. Trust me, you don't want to spend your life introverted and scared to be alone in a new place. That will give you more from your life than a possible new relationship will. There will be so much more to your life than this one moment, don't miss the op to go and find yourself in a new place and learn who YOU really are and what YOU really like. Australia will give you that. You can always come back, you can't always go. Once you're committed to a relationship you're no longer deciding just for you. So make the most of it!

I’d go to Australia. There will be other men.

OK, tell him how you feel. If he doesn't feel the same way and it's awkward you can leave the country. Very handy.

You don't need to tell him about the opportunity in Australia, when you ask him how he feels. I wouldn't. Too much pressure. If you and he do end up together you can tell him down the line.

Just a thought and may be well off base but it sounds like you're conflicted over the decision to go to Australia. Is it possible you're dwelling on the relationship/possibilities with your colleague and making more of it than you would otherwise because you're looking for a reason not to go? It just seems that if neither of you have found a way to speak about potentially wanting something more or different from the relationship, the dynamic on its own might not be that strong. Imagine that you tell him, he reciprocates, you cancel your plans to go to Australia, one of you finds another job, and you try a relationship - is it likely to endure given that each of you is pretty passive about initiating/pursuing it?

Short answer: right now, I'd focus on your feelings about moving to Australia and make that decision, then figure out where if anywhere this person fits in.

Besides, he's a Kiwi too. Chances are he's terrified of confessing any feelings he has because he's now convinced she just sees him as a friend after she turned down his date offer. I don't see much to lose if she confesses her feelings but plans to go to Australia anyway - if he likes her enough then they can do long distance, or he can follow her.

So it's the man's job to make his feelings known, but OP has to think like a man and go to Australia despite her feelings? This makes no sense.
Does he know about the Australia job? If he does, then as others have said, this puts a lot of pressure on a potential relationship. If not, then I agree with others that you should let him know your feelings ASAP... whatever happens or will help clarify things for you in relation to the job.

This would be my view - it’s natural to be ambivalent about a move across the world and if you profess your feelings and he in someway reciprocates, it puts a HUGE amount of pressure on both him and the relationship if you decide to stay because of it. At the moment your feelings may be amplified by the fact that you are wavering about the job, so the intensity of your feelings may be increased or seem stronger than usual because you are looking for an excuse not to go (again - really consider if you would want to place him in that position).

I’d make the decision to go (or not independent of him) and then commit either way - and ask if you can keep in touch as friends. You’re both 28 - young and still finding your feet in life - so you may find once you are in a new job, with a new social network (the expat community in Aus is amazingly welcome, as are the locals!) you’ll find your feelings abate. If they don’t you can confess your feelings from afar - if he reciprocates, you can arrange to meet up/visit, etc and explore it. He may decide a job out there would suit him or you may opt to come back in a couple of years yourself.

I just wouldn't make staying or going contingent on him - you could start seeing each other, it all going pear-shaped and then regret the job opportunity you didn’t take for the rest of your life.

This.
But regardless of his response I'd take the job in Oz, I wouldn't turn down a fantastic career opportunity for a new man. If he's interested in you, he'll wait 6 months and realistically one of you is going to have to find a new job anyway.

You hang out outside of work anyway. Just suggest a plan that is a bit more date like without being a date, get some food, suggest a drink, if he has feelings it will become obvious, I dont think you need to do the physical act of confessing, just set the stage in such a way that if it didn't go as planned you can walk away with your dignity and friendship (or at least work relationship) intact.

Is he the potential love of your life? Maybe
Is the potential love of your life in Oz? Maybe

He sounds like a good guy, had made his intentions clear and backed off when asked to. If you’re going to have ‘the talk’ with him then let it be about ye and not Australia.

Please don’t move to Australia out of embarrassment either!

Oh for goodness’ sake, OP, he’s already asked you out once, and you have ongoing plans to hang out socially outside of work. Of course he fancies you, but it’s up to you to make the next move. Plant one on him after the theatre next week and see where that takes you.