I prefer one of my children over the other

[ihaveafavourite]

And I don’t feel great about it. I feel pretty awful but I really am struggling with what to do about it.

My DS is nearly 6 and is very full on. He’s loud, argumentative, stroppy, even when he’s affectionate it’s too much so he’ll sit on your lap endlessly elbowing you and pulling hair and poking his fingers into your face.

I have spent a lot of time with him this summer as he’s been on holiday of course and I just have not enjoyed it at all. Some of it’s fairly standard five y/o I am sure: I’ll ask a question and he’ll answer ‘yes’ but in a really stupid put on voice, like YUUUUURS at the top of his voice. Winds other children up terribly - I think some play dates have been rescinded because of this.

of course I love him but I can’t pretend life isn’t easier with just his sibling, a 3 yo DD. And I feel horrible about it.

I think you have posted several other threads about your children in the past month or two. Apologies if I'm wrong about that. And if I'm wrong, you may wish to search for other threads about children of these ages and coping with various challenging behaviours, as you may find some useful and insightful responses.

I do think it may be helpful to reframe your thinking about your children. Obviously, you're upset and feeling guilty even imagining you may have a favourite. But do you genuinely favour your DD over your DS? Or do you just fine the current phase he is in particularly difficult? The latter is very common and entirely understandable. You may have got into a bit of a negative feedback loop, with your DS misbehaving and you responding to the misbehaviour, etc. and you can't find your way out.

Years ago, I saw a documentary about a family that was struggling with similar issues, though considerably more extreme than the ones you've described. In that case, the mother very much favoured her elder child and disliked the younger one. One scene showed a counselling session with the mother and the younger child, who was only a toddler. The little boy grabbed a toy and ran away, looking over his shoulder at his mother with a smile. The mother said something like, "Look at that, he's taunting me, he's so spiteful." The counsellor suggested that actually, it looked to her that the child was trying to invite his mother to join in his play. It was something of an epiphany to the mother who hadn't even considered that she was misinterpreting her child's behaviour. As I said, this example is much more extreme than anything you've written, but IME reframing how one sees behaviour (either one's own or other people's) can be really helpful. Of course, I'm not suggesting that your DS is a perfect angel who never puts a foot wrong. I'm just saying that looking at things (including one's own thoughts or motivations) from another angle can allow relationships to be strengthened.

It sounds as though you are a lone parent, which must make everything especially stressful. And if you have recently lost your husband (you said, "His dad was a good man" which seems to indicate he has died), I can only imagine the intensity of the pressures you are facing while simultaneously coping with grief. The trauma of losing a parent must also be affecting your children. My heart goes out to all of you.