I prefer one of my children over the other

[ihaveafavourite]

And I don’t feel great about it. I feel pretty awful but I really am struggling with what to do about it.

My DS is nearly 6 and is very full on. He’s loud, argumentative, stroppy, even when he’s affectionate it’s too much so he’ll sit on your lap endlessly elbowing you and pulling hair and poking his fingers into your face.

I have spent a lot of time with him this summer as he’s been on holiday of course and I just have not enjoyed it at all. Some of it’s fairly standard five y/o I am sure: I’ll ask a question and he’ll answer ‘yes’ but in a really stupid put on voice, like YUUUUURS at the top of his voice. Winds other children up terribly - I think some play dates have been rescinded because of this.

of course I love him but I can’t pretend life isn’t easier with just his sibling, a 3 yo DD. And I feel horrible about it.

DD2 was a much easier toddler/pre-schooler and child in many respects than DD1, but gave us a lot more worry as a younger teenager/tween.

I love them both just as they are though and have never felt a preference.

There's a great book you might find helpful.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Your-Kids-Push-Buttons/dp/0749925248

I'm sorry you're finding it difficult right now. It can change, (it will change anyway, parenting constantly changes). You can improve the relationship with your DS. It can be very hard work, but keep trying, for both of your sakes.

First thing is not to beat yourself up for how you feel. It's okay to feel angry, hateful, whatever you feel. Learn to cut yourself slack. Big feelings are something parents need to learn to handle in themselves before they can help their child with them!

Vent on here, talk to friends, family, a counsellor, etc. Parenting can be fucking hard work. It gets easier, I promise.

My parents had a favourite child and it wasnt me! It was very clear they treated my sister differently, my mum would tell people how wonderful my sister was/is and how I was a pain! I wasnt i was just boisterous as I was kept on a short chain by my father,so when I got out their clutches I was full on.
Your child,like me will definitely sense it, at 53 my mum is dead and iam estranged from my father, who I think is still alive,but I still have huge hangs ups about how we were treated so differently

I was that younger sister. I have no parenting tips to offer, I'm afraid, but I applaud you for recognising this and seeking advice. I reckon most kids grow through it, but however demanding he is, please show your daughter that she gets your time too. While I've come to understand, I think, why my mother focused so much on my brother, I am still a little hurt many decades on.

What has he been through?

That to me seems to be suggesting that what he may need is active listening, play therapy, relationship repair. Rather than more exercise.

There is loads you can try here.

This website is helpful.

https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/

As is 'playful parenting'.

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/160909.Playful_Parenting

The first thing to address is your own needs, OP.

That might mean rest, help, connection, counselling, etc.

That needs to be regular, and it's essential. Sometimes the difficult bit is asking.

Take heart & good luck.

Agree 100%. It is very hard. It has taken a lifetime for me to work it out also. The constant childhood feeling of 'why can't I be loved too?'

My son is much harder work than my daughter too. He's a little boy with a lot of energy. Tons of mums feel the same way as you.

FWIW a parent finding a child difficult doesn't mean not loving that child. Even if frustration and anger in the moment makes it seem that way. It's often about just struggling oneself, or not having the tools or understanding to know how to help.

As an adult and a parent now I get this ... but the child does not have the understanding. For me, my childhood behaviour perhaps became more challenging because the parental (and grandparental) favouritism fuelled harmful jealousy (and almost hatred) towards my siblings. It took until I became a parent myself to even start to question and comprehend. It didn't help because my mother wasn't (isn't) maternal. I now understand she perhaps had her own demons, but that understanding has only come with maturity. I still feel very sad for the little person I once was.

Hi there, OP.

We're sorry to hear things are feeling difficult for you right now.

We wanted to share our Mental Health Webguide, which includes details of a range of organisations and support services you may find helpful.

It can also help to talk things through here, and it's lovely to see so many posters offering support and encouragement on this thread. We hope you're finding some of the replies helpful, and that you know you're not alone.

Take care, and our best wishes to you.

Faye
MNHQ 💐

One other thing that might be relevant - my DS was a very very difficult baby and toddler (colic, bad sleep, terrible separation anxiety, extremely clingy, very unsettled). Then I had an awful year when he was 2 where I had 2 miscarriages one of which was really drawn out and unpleasant, then was horribly anxious throughout my pregnancy with DD and also lost a close family member. All while trying to parent a difficult 2yo and working a very stressful full time job.

When DD was born, it brought up a lot of emotions about my son's first years because she was just so different and much easier! And I felt a lot of anger and sadness because:

• I realised how much more difficult I had actually had it with DS being "on hard mode"
• it's very hard to enjoy the nice moments of babyhood when you are getting no sleep and being screamed at and I needed to process missing out on some of that bonding with him
• it was hard to acknowledge how much I had been in survival mode during my pregnancy with DD and how that had also affected how much time I could spend with him and the patience I had for him.

What was really important was separating out what was stuff about the past and about situations that impacted us as a family (I feel sad I wasn't present enough with him when he was 2 because I had so much else going on; parenting him as a baby was really hard because it took more than I had to give for a long time and I did the best I could but it was hard) and what is happening now in my relationship with him and my parenting (he is very high energy physically and cognitively, I have another child who is "easier", he has some really annoying behaviours that do need lots of active management and progress can be slow, I don't always enjoy parenting him, he is 4 not 2 so needs different parenting strategies now).

Working through all that (it's for sure a work in progress) has really helped me to be able to work on trouble shooting my parenting without beating myself up so badly when things go shit shaped, seeing DS for the funny, lively boy he is and being more able to enjoy the good bits of our days together rather than bracing myself for the next bad bit.

And finally - my DH is very involved and, although he has his own parenting issues at times, is much more up for lots of rough-housing play and all kinds of toilet humour that DS loves. For me, having that other parent there who can meet some of DS's play needs better than me is extremely helpful. You are on your own which understandably makes it a lot harder!

I’m not sure enough is talked about the extreme challenges of parenting very demanding, high energy boys and the impact on maternal mental health.

In our household, we call it “on to the next thing”; he is always “on the go” and really demanding of our attention, though also extremely charming and funny. He has just turned 7 and was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago.

But segments of parenting him (sleep challenges and then the toddler years in particular) brought me to the very brink of my mental health.

Some children need you to reinterpret What's going on for them so they can function in the world. It's hard work. You need to explain the effects of his behaviour each time so he'll learn. Explain how other children are responding to his behaviour, explain why no play dates, explain consequences, explain how you feel with certain behaviours, ask him to watch how others are behaving appropriately. Comment on good behaviour, reward good behaviour till it becomes the norm.

I have a 4 year old and a just turned 1 year old. Love both the same but early toddlers aren’t my favourite stage. My 4 year old DS is the sweetest boy ever but also such good chat with the best imagination. I try get some 1-2-1 time with him each week and honestly sitting in a coffee shop with him talking about what order you would climb dinosaurs in my height as he sips his babychino and refuses to share the cake we got to share is the highlight for me at the moment. His sisters actually a really lovely natured toddler but I find the 1-2-1 hard when you get nothing back but the same 5 words on loop 😂. I’m hoping my the time the older one is giving me attitude she will be at the stage her brother is at and she can be my little escape instead

Thank you. A lot of extremely helpful replies I don’t have time to give full recognition too and wish I did as they genuinely are helpful.

Those who are coming as the unfavoured child or similar … look, genuinely I’m sorry you went through that but firstly it’s not about you. And secondly and most importantly, I’m not posting saying how I feel is OK. I’m posting for help in addressing that. Simply coming on to tell me how I feel is wrong is pointless - I know! I wish nothing more I just felt absolute adoration for them both but honestly I’ve been severely tested by ds and I think @Piglet89 has a good point, the high energy little boy is exhausting. Not only for the mother but other siblings.

DS has spent two hours charging around a trampoline park and is showing no signs whatsoever of flagging!

My son was a totally adorable hilarious little treasure from birth to 5.

He was utterly unbearable between 7 and 11. Actively vile.

6 - meh.

I can totally empathise with lots in your post - very high energy, somehow annoying and painful even when being affectionate.

I tell my son all the time that it's not that he's too much, it's that I'm not enough - and that's true. His energy and spirit will take him a long long way. Even if sometimes I wish that were a long long way away from me... ;-)

Critically, he knows he is the sunshine of my life and that I adore every infuriating manic relentless bone in his body. I can tell you're worried that you don't feel this way about your son, and you're worried it will get even worse. That must feel shitty.

You need to find things you CAN connect with him over, and spend one on one time with him. My son and I both love being outdoors so that was our 'thing' - and he is infinitely more bearable in wide open spaces that cooped up inside a small house, where it's like trying to keep a shaken up bottle of pop from exploding.

Try and stop looking for the bad in him all the time and find the good.

Sorry - I just saw that you are alone and already treat him like a springer spaniel in terms of time out of the house.

Gin. It's all there is. Gin and the fact that he WILL grow up, and I promise you will miss him when he goes through the teenage years and just hides in his room.

I mean. The first year will be bliss, obviously.

But after that, you'll miss him.

My son has just come out of it - he's 18 - and sits downstairs with us at night now. It's lovely to have him back. He can still be an annoying dick - but he's also very funny, very charming, and very helpful.

How is his diet? Might there be allergies or intolerance? Does he get overstimulated?

Hi. Im back again.

Just wondering - do you notice that when DS is tired (or should be tired!) that he actually acts more silly and more high energy?

This is one of my son's most challenging things. Like your boy he needed lots of running around and getting out of the house, however he also needed activities that helped him to regulate and calm down, otherwise he'd just get really tired but then would act super silly and get even more hyper.

Does he like doing any quiet activities like puzzles, lego, drawing etc?

He sounds like my DC with ADHD. I kept just pushing on with DS1 hoping it would get better, and I think it did damage our relationship because I found it very difficult to cope with him. I wish I had understood him better when he was younger.

DS2 has just turned 8 and has been on medication since the start of the year. A lot of the behaviours are still there - he will absolutely evangelise at you about the glory of our Lord Jesus various models of train or explain a youtube video in excruciating detail, for example, BUT he is actually able to take on board if we ask him to hold on for a second because we need to deal with something else, and if I say actually DS do you know what, I just don't have the energy to listen to trains right now, he will go away and find something else to do, which I would have been astonished if DS1 did once, ever. And he's just 80% less draining so I can actually enjoy his company even though he can still be hard work. It's balanced now and worth it because the things I can do to manage his difficulties actually work, rather than everything being difficult all the time, if that makes sense?

I know you have said you don't think there is anything to look at developmentally but I think people often misunderstand what ADHD actually is, I definitely did. These are the official criteria paraphrased, obviously an actual assessment is much more in depth, but you only need 6 from either list and I've bolded the five which have been mentioned in this thread alone.

Hyperactivity/Impulsivity -
Fidgets constantly/more than other children
Doesn't sit still, when other children his age can (e.g. at the table)
Runs about constantly and/or climbs everything
Seems "on the go" all the time/acts like they have an everlasting battery (ie, doesn't get "tired out" no matter how much exercise they get)
Doesn't do anything quietly
Talks excessively
Blurts out answers before a question is finished/can't wait for turn in conversation
Difficulty with taking turns in general
Interrupts or intrudes on people (e.g. butts in, doesn't respect personal space)

Inattention - (IME harder to spot in younger children)
Makes careless mistakes, tends to rush things
Trouble sustaining attention on non-preferred activities
Doesn't seem to listen when you speak to him directly
Does not complete tasks/follow instructions because they get sidetracked
Difficulty organising self or getting things in the correct sequence
Getting them to do anything boring is like pulling teeth
Loses everything
Easily distracted by thoughts or unrelated stimulus
Forgetful

The fact you've said these behaviours are affecting him socially, in that his peers are put off by them, as well as the fact you're worrying that they are affecting your relationship to me makes it the right time to query this with a professional.

My 7 yr old the same.

It's a real balancing act of when he needs to release energy and when he needs quiet time.
X

Those who are coming as the unfavoured child or similar … look, genuinely I’m sorry you went through that but firstly it’s not about you. And secondly and most importantly, I’m not posting saying how I feel is OK. I’m posting for help in addressing that. Simply coming on to tell me how I feel is wrong is pointless - I know! I wish nothing more I just felt absolute adoration for them both

Oh the irony of telling the "unfavoured" children that "it's not about them" !

My point was not about love or adoration @ihaveafavourite .

It was about liking your child. It's about seeing yourself in one DC and not another, and however much you try to be fair & equal, it's THAT which will make a difference.

Of course you love your DS, but you don't seem to like him. And that is the damaging bit, IME. Children know when they're not liked, and it's not that they feel insecure about parental love. But it's about self-esteem and being confident that people will like you and want to be with you, for own sake.

So maybe it's about following up suggestions about how to tune into your DS as an individual and a unique human being - who is obviously really different from you. Good luck. It's not easy, but it's also not easy being the child that a parent retreats from as she's too "difficult" or "emotional."

This is really interesting, thank you for sharing this viewpoint and I'm sorry you went through that.

This idea of "liking" has made me think though. I think your comment implies that we should unconditionally "like", as well as love, our children. At what point, if ever, does it become the child's responsibility to behave in a likeable way? Maybe never. And/or is it the parents' responsibility to encourage likeable behaviour in the child? When and how do we do this, at what age?

I say this as someone who doesn't have many close friends and I've found it easier to get on with things at work rather than try and be liked, because being likeable is quite hard. I think my DM unthinkingly allowed my older sibling to bully me a bit and that encouraged some really unlikeable behaviour in us both; my DM also made it pretty obvious that she liked me more, even though I think she does love us.

If a child, say, hits his parents (that can happen), is it justified not to like him? Or should the parents tell the child they'd like him more if he didn't? Does it depend on age?

I don't know the answer to these questions. I'm lucky that my children are both very likeable but I wonder if I've tamped down any unlikeable behaviour too strongly, after my own childhood. For example if one of my children starts to mimic the other to make fun of them, I'm very strict about not doing that.

I think I'd find it really hard to like someone unconditionally, even my own child. Liking unconditionally is actually harder than loving unconditionally, which I think is your point, and i agree.

Liking unconditionally is actually harder than loving unconditionally, which I think is your point, and i agree.

Yes, you put it much better than I can ! (it sits too close to home ...)

Interesting questions, too, which I can't really answer, except that the OP's DS is not quite 6. That's still very young to be expected to regulate 'likeable' behaviour.

But maybe the parent child relationship is different from friends - children are so reliant on parents, especially mothers, and learn very early relationship patterns in that primary relationship. So when a parent appears to withdraw 'liking' (ie approval?) it can make a much greater difference to a child than if a friend at school withdraws, for example.

But just pondering the questions & points you raise is probably the important thing.