I prefer one of my children over the other

[ihaveafavourite]

And I don’t feel great about it. I feel pretty awful but I really am struggling with what to do about it.

My DS is nearly 6 and is very full on. He’s loud, argumentative, stroppy, even when he’s affectionate it’s too much so he’ll sit on your lap endlessly elbowing you and pulling hair and poking his fingers into your face.

I have spent a lot of time with him this summer as he’s been on holiday of course and I just have not enjoyed it at all. Some of it’s fairly standard five y/o I am sure: I’ll ask a question and he’ll answer ‘yes’ but in a really stupid put on voice, like YUUUUURS at the top of his voice. Winds other children up terribly - I think some play dates have been rescinded because of this.

of course I love him but I can’t pretend life isn’t easier with just his sibling, a 3 yo DD. And I feel horrible about it.

These are very strong feelings.

Would you consider seeing a therapist about all this? It will damage your DS so worth trying to resolve. Also you could be carrying baggage which drives the dynamic, rather than all fault being on his side..

It’s very normal as mentioned by others and it will change over time and you will feel differently.

I do however think the severity of your feeling about this is not coming across in your OP.

reading between the lines, it feels like your really distressed by this as your response to the person saying they are mocking you seems out of proportion- I think they were mocking themselves and just pointing out that favourites in families are normal.

im not at all dismissing your feelings on this though just seeing that post differently.

this caught my eye as i feel the same about one of my teens right now. I’d be happy to never see them again. I resent and dislike them the majority of the time. I prefer the other. I do know though that this felt the other way around a few years ago when then older one was this age, so it does change.

that doesn’t help you now though. It sounds like you need a break from him and to step back and look at it differently perhaps? What’s the communication from his behaviour? Also holidays overload for him too perhaps. Maybe he needs the routine again.

All easier said than done (especially the break ). I know cannot do that here and would tell anyone saying this to me to F off but I know I should delve deeper here when I can face it.

I hope you can find a way.

only a few more days and back to school thankfully.

Good luck op

Also as PP said. Maybe a therapist can help. You need to be able to talk candidly about resentment to someone neutral. Almost impossible with a friend etc.

My older brother was absolutely insane as a kid, high energy and leaping off the walls. As an adult he does three hours of exercise a day - an hour cycle commute each way to work, and an hour weight lifting at the gym over lunch. He's mellow as long as he exercises like crazy, also a high earner.

I know I was the favourite kid. I was sweet, relaxed and constantly told I was beautiful by everyone. I have PMDD, which started in my teens, and my parents WAY preferred my brother by the time we were teens (and my brother had found fitness as a way to get out his energy).

Might be obvious, but have you tried tiring him out?

It's a bit of a stereotype that girls are easy as kids and hard teenagers, and boys are vice versa. Don't beat yourself up about having a favourite kid!

This could have been me. My son was super difficult as a youngster and very hard work. I often felt like he really ruined family days out with his behaviour and sulks. I found it so hard to like him sometimes but I absolutely knew I loved him and would do anything for him. He is now such a wonderful teenager and completely grown out of his stroppy, difficult, wind -me-up phase. I just kept putting the parenting work in and hoped it would get better and it really did. My daughter was always a breeze and much easier to handle so it’s hard having that comparison I think. Sorry for bold! No idea what happened there!

I much prefer spending time with one of my kids over the other. I can have proper conversations, more interests, able to think for themselves.

The other kid is dull to talk to and prefers doing things instead of talking. This kid is generally kinder though and has many good qualities but is never relaxing to be around.

I genuinely mean this kindly, but even aside from your feelings about your son, your responses show you are taking offense at comments which are not meant to be offensive. I really think you'd benefit from some counselling.

I think it's perfectly normal to enjoy spending time with an easy going child, more than a fussier one. Just like friends. You can have friends you really like and share a lot with, but are "harder work". You can enjoying seeing them but find it takes more out of you so is less pleasurable overall than a relaxed friend who you can just sit with and have a laugh. When you are just meeting a friend for an hour or two, hard work is ok if they are someone you like, but when it's a child it drains you.

This really reminded me of this old thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4002550-i-don-t-like-my-daughter?flipped=1&page=1

I was sure the OP in that thread came back with a really positive update years later, but haven’t been able to find it.

You are not alone

Looking at family and their children, I can perfectly well empathise. I have definite favourites. Some kids are harder than others. With luck, as your son grows, he’ll stop being so needy. I think 6 is a tricky age, they’re articulate enough to be annoying, desperate to learn, possibly not as cute as younger siblings. He’ll probably your best boy soon, he’s just currently hard work!

I know a family where the dad couldn’t cope with his children gaining personalities, although he was a great dad when they couldn’t question him as little ones. He controls them with silence which is awful.

It's completely understandable to feel awful, but please don't be so hard on yourself—what you're feeling is far more common than parents like to admit. You don't actually prefer one child over the other; you prefer the ease of interaction with one personality over another. Have you noticed if giving him dedicated heavy-work activities (like pushing heavy things, climbing, or rough-and-tumble play with clear boundaries) helps channel that physical energy, or does it feel more like a personality/boundary phase he's pushing through?

You could talk to an NVR counsellor about "blocked care". We did this and it was very helpful.

A good book is Jeffrey Bernstein's 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

I wonder if it would help to see a family therapist, because it is not just about your feelings per se but about a whole family dynamic which could become lopsided and where the children may take on certain entrenched roles.

I also wonder about doing things with your children separately and and sometimes really trying to enter into your DS's way of being - if he's very hyper, doing hyper things with him - messy play, races, dens, pillow fights, a bit of rough-and-tumble.

Also OP, your daughter isn't a teenageress yet. We all remember how lovely, amenable and reasonable with our parents we were, don't we? (More like a screwed up ball of hormones and resentment in my case, but maybe some are paragons)

My relationship with DS gor really bad. Without realising it i was harder on him and expecting more of him than of D. It took meeting my very observant (now ex) DP to point out that I didnt treat them fairly. After that I tried really hard to be more balanced and to give DS a chance. I think he was 8 by then.

My relationship with him very quickly improved. Then he got an ADHD diagnosis, then medication, and everything just kept getting better. He had a little wobble age 11 when he was a bit down on himself, but he and ai have been best buddies since. DD its more swings and roundabouts. Sometimes she a delight, sometimes she's just....horrible. but they're both good humans and we'll get there.

Thanks all and my apologies if I was very sharp last night. It has been a trying summer!

DS gets LOADS of exercise. This is actually a challenge with him as he has a tendency to bolt ahead, not running off so much as just not noticing we / I can’t keep up (I can when I’m with justDS but not with DD too.)

DS is much, much better one to one but I get little to no opportunities for this.

I could have wrote this post myself about my 6 year old DS (minus the sibling part). This is exactly how he behaves at times . Loud, stroppy , whines a lot. Sometimes sits on my lap for a cuddle then pokes and prods me. I honestly think it’s just a phase.

Hi OP another one saying this is normal. I’ve got an 8yo DS who is loud, boisterous, clumsy - constantly dropping things, shouting, climbing on furniture, doing silly voices, deliberately winding up his little sister, picking his nose, sulking and moaning, and a 5yo DD who is sweet, happy, compliant and sensible. I think a lot of boys are just like this and you have to fake it til you make it.

DS is also hilarious, bright, hugely creative, a natural leader and one of the most popular kids at school, a gifted musician and (deep down) very sensitive. I do find DD so much easier to parent, but I try to focus on the joy that I can get from DS. It is hard because he does need a lot more correction than DD to keep him in line, but I try to praise every little glimmer of good behaviour I see in him. I’m sure I don’t get it right all the time but solidarity!