I prefer one of my children over the other

[ihaveafavourite]

And I don’t feel great about it. I feel pretty awful but I really am struggling with what to do about it.

My DS is nearly 6 and is very full on. He’s loud, argumentative, stroppy, even when he’s affectionate it’s too much so he’ll sit on your lap endlessly elbowing you and pulling hair and poking his fingers into your face.

I have spent a lot of time with him this summer as he’s been on holiday of course and I just have not enjoyed it at all. Some of it’s fairly standard five y/o I am sure: I’ll ask a question and he’ll answer ‘yes’ but in a really stupid put on voice, like YUUUUURS at the top of his voice. Winds other children up terribly - I think some play dates have been rescinded because of this.

of course I love him but I can’t pretend life isn’t easier with just his sibling, a 3 yo DD. And I feel horrible about it.

Omg OP this is me!!! Same ages, same genders, everything.
I too feel awful about this. I constantly try and think about how when they’re older maybe DS will mellow and DD will become a teenage PITA.
I know that it’s hard, I am always finding myself getting angry with DS and I just feel so much more affectionate and myself around DD.
Hold on there, remember it’s not perfect, no one is perfect and that’s okay.

Yes but what? It’s a dance class! Anyway like I say we are fixating on one thing and realistically as much as I like having one to one with them both I can’t do it all the time. Incidentally when DD is four that will be easier as a lot of clubs are age 4+. But that’s still nearly a year away.

I’m glad it isn’t just me my issue is I keep having these intrusive thoughts that life would be easier with just dd and honestly at the moment it would. I think that’s because I’m so ground down though.

I think that is quite a complex metaphor for someone your son's age especially as he is probably not doing most of the annoying behaviours deliberately .

Hindsight is a wonderful thing I know but my DD is 13 now and when I look back, I massively overestimated what she could understand and take in, in the way of instructions and comments, at your son's age, and I overestimated the amount of control she had over her behaviours. She wasn't doing the various annoying things AT me or TO me if you see what I mean - just doing them.

Hey OP, are you okay? Are you getting any time to take care of yourself? Do you have help? Even if its just half an hour in a bubble bath in the evening to unwind? The 6 weeks holidays are hard. We are all out of routine and spending a million hours together, which in turn (at least for me) can make us that bit more aggy with each other. I have a DS who has just turned 7 and another DS13. Ds7 is a handful. He is very high energy and will just go and go. I have resorted to viewing him as a puppy (hear me out). Wake up, chill for a short while, breakfast, dressed etc. Then out the house. We play football, or go to the park, or swimming. The things that tire them a bit. Back for lunch. Generally, once he has had some morning exercise he is pretty chill for the rest of the day. I do enjoy doing these things with him though because he is lovely. If you dont enjoy spending time with him right now, you may need to force yourself but it will help. Things will get better. My teenager was similar but is now a very mellow, kind and affectionate young man.

I don't know. I don't know what options you have in your area or what your son is into. I suggested the kind of thing I would do in your situation based on the facilities where I live.

DD is into a lot of stuff that doesn't really appeal to me but over the years, as I've attempted to take an interest in Roblox "obbys", dance challenges, tween skincare, NATO, and squishies (to name five interests at random) it has been a bit of a bonding thing.

Do you have a garden? If so can you get a trampoline?

Teach him that when he’s bouncing and throwing and being loud that he needs to action this and do something to meet that need.

Tell him every time “your bouncy right now - it’s trampoline time and then we can do X”.

What’s he like at school? I think you need an honest conversation with his teacher to tease out if he’s “fine” the usual response or they are just accepting behaviour that could indicate a wider issue.

When he’s on your lap and pulling and poking what do you do/say?

I note you said you’re alone and he’s like his dad. Sorry if I’ve missed anything but is his dad on the scene? I note you said he dad “was” a good man.

Just to add as it sounds like he's got sensory seeking needs a bunch of squishies (the solid kind like "blocks of cheese" nor the liable to burst liquid kind) might be a good idea.

I think this feeling must be quite normal.

My DS was extremely hard work as a child and young teen. His sister was an angel compared to him and I used to be thankful for DD keeping me sane as I felt that DS would be the death of me.

Now DS is 20 and he lights up my life. He is one of my favourite people to spend time with.

DD is 18 and being absolutely vile to me and has been like this for 5 years now. I still love her but my goodness our relationship is dreadful due to her awful behaviour. I tolerate things because I know she has had a very difficult time with serious illness and mental health issues but it is so bloody hard.

It Is very difficult to love two people the same when their behaviour is so different.

@Phineyj maybe it was, I don’t really care tbh. If we could stop fixating on ways to get rid of DD so I can give DS one to one I’d appreciate it actually. I’m not stupid. I do know how to arrange childcare.

@itsgettingweird , we have one. He isn’t that bothered about it tbh, but thank you.

Yes, the damage is lifelong and particularly as the poor child appears to have absolutely no other adult in his life that can enjoy him, celebrate his ways and love him.

It is extremely sad to watch a mother knowing what she is doing is harmful and refusing to do anything about it.

I am sorry you are still going through this half a century later, and no doubt it has had a profound effect on you and your relationships. No child should be labelled with anything, they are just being a child in that moment/passage of time.

I agree with this. Some of your terse responses indicate you are under a significant amount of pressure, OP. If resources allow, speaking with a qualified professional will probably help.

What kind of advice do you think would be helpful to you OP? Practical advice re parenting your son is causing you frustration, as is people trying to make light of it/downplay it, and also people suggesting that it’s a serious issue and you would benefit from therapy. Honestly I’m not trying to be unkind or unhelpful, I just think you need to have a think about what people could say that will help?

I think I shall leave the thread as the helpful, kind and thoughtful comments are just being drowned out by the two posters talking to one another above.

I will leave this comment though @EnglishRose26 : it is interesting that you have accused me of framing my children as the easy one and the difficult one and go on to decide ‘what I am doing’ and that I am ‘refusing to do anything about it’ as that is much the same.

One of DS’s best friends is a little boy with emotional and behavioural problems, to the point he may be going to a special school soon (and he is only six.) I like him but there’s no doubt he is challenging. This little boy (who is exceptionally clever and articulate despite his problems) once commented ‘(DS name) has a LOT of energy and people get tired around him.’ That has actually stayed with me and I think if a six year old gets tired around him it must be easy to see why a woman in her forties with him every day for six weeks is flagging somewhat.

On that note, have a good day all. I am pissed off, it’s so irritating when helpful threads are taken over and if anyone actually gave a shit about DS they’d be wanting to help but they don’t, they want to criticise.

The only comments I have taken offence at are comments that are personally critical.

I am not offended by ‘get a trampoline / have you considered taking him to the park’ but I do find them a bit annoying as I’ve addressed them. I will admit I am prone to irritation when I have to keep repeating myself, I find it very annoying. Sorry. It IS a fault of mine and I will accept that point.

I'm not on mumsnet often at all, onc topic a year, so I'm not familiar with the etiquette. So I hope I don't offend but he sounds VERY ADHD or AuDHD. I work in SEN and the difficulties impacting his relationships with other children, i.e the playdates, is a key indicator at this age. Along with the non-sensical verbal diarrhea, lack of understanding around physical boundaries, bolting when out & about, boundless energy etc. I would look at some sensory circuits to be introduced to home and school, presuming school are meeting the children where they're at. It may help him with underlying sensory needs and reduce some of these behaviours. Can you get a break so you don't feel exhausted by him and therefore less resentful? ❤️

Hi OP, I'm going to leave the thread now. No-one thinks you're stupid. I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten. I do hope you can find someone off line to talk to about your strong feelings.

You sound like a fabulous parent and you are absolutely exhausted and burned out. He sounds hard work but likely it will calm down at some point. Boys do go through testosterone surges at times and behaviour can get distinctly worse. Social stories are brilliant and you can get AI to write you one to suit a situation so you could do one about wanting cuddles and sitting with mummy. You are using them to build some social imagination/empathy so getting him to understand that mummy in the story is thinking I’m uncomfortable and not enjoying being poked so I won’t cuddle Ben next time so he can put two and two together and realise that when Ben sits quietly and snuggles for a few minutes while watching a tv show, Mummy thinks ‘oo this is nice’. Then Ben realises he is feeling fizzy and needs to jump about because something exciting might be happening so he takes himself out into the garden to do six star jumps, five bunny hops, three laps of the grass, two cartwheels, and count to thirty standing on one leg. Mummy praises him when he comes in and he gets a xyz sticker. Keep the story in third person, have one target you want to achieve, put in the details into AI, you can even get pictures. It does work. One thing at a time though.

good luck. It will get better and you are doing a tremendous job.

I get that. But how can people on an anonymous thread actually help? They can make suggestions, but all of the suggestions given so far are frustrating to you.

You have been offered a huge spectrum of advice and support, and you have not replied positively to any of them. The problem lies with you, not your small son.

You might be depressed, burnt out, either way please see your GP and discuss this with her/him. They are there to support you.

Posting on a thread to say you are leaving the thread is not leaving the thread FYI.

@Jaimelefromage I have an idea. why don’t you read the thread, look at the helpful and supportive and informative replies and that will help you to understand.

@Pippatpip thank you. I don’t think I’m fabulous but I do try. Something I have always struggled with is both children together - DD is easy but copies DS and DS is more manic and silly and hyper with her. I’ve just had to put him in his room (not as a time out as such just ‘I need a break or I’m going to blow’) as he wouldn’t stop leaping around on the sofa. Sigh.

I don’t know if he’s Adhd or not. I don’t think he is but then it’s hard to say with five year old boys as a lot of them are a bit crazy. We will probably get more of a picture as he matures.

Reading this, I am seeing lots of behaviours from your son that would be in line with ADHD, especially the hyperactive element of it. I would suggest a conversation with school when you return and see what observations they have. I definitely think it’s worth exploring. If he does get a diagnosis (although they can’t put the paperwork in until he is 7 - there are things that can be done prior to this) there is a lot of support out there.

Possibly. Jury’s out at the moment as they say. I think he could but he’s also been through a lot in his young life and I have to be mindful of this. Plus manic behaviour is always more manic when his ears are bad.

Are you this combative in real life 😂

I promise you I have been where you are (actually my DC was way more difficult than yours sounds based on what you've said - physical violence, spitting, destroying things). I have shared ideas/resources and you've been quite rude to me actually.

@Phineyj , no you have not and actually I’m still a bit irritated that you took over a thread on lone parents in a similar way a few weeks ago. I was not the OP but I was on the thread. You did a similar thing there where you decided the answer to all the OPs problems was to get a babysitter. It stops the thread being helpful because you’re firefighting with ‘no that isn’t possible’ and then when patience is invariably lost in this instance you and another poster have conspired together to discuss me on my own thread which to be a lot blunter than I ordinarily am is fucking rude.

And you haven’t been where I am. In some ways yes in others no.