I prefer one of my children over the other

[ihaveafavourite]

And I don’t feel great about it. I feel pretty awful but I really am struggling with what to do about it.

My DS is nearly 6 and is very full on. He’s loud, argumentative, stroppy, even when he’s affectionate it’s too much so he’ll sit on your lap endlessly elbowing you and pulling hair and poking his fingers into your face.

I have spent a lot of time with him this summer as he’s been on holiday of course and I just have not enjoyed it at all. Some of it’s fairly standard five y/o I am sure: I’ll ask a question and he’ll answer ‘yes’ but in a really stupid put on voice, like YUUUUURS at the top of his voice. Winds other children up terribly - I think some play dates have been rescinded because of this.

of course I love him but I can’t pretend life isn’t easier with just his sibling, a 3 yo DD. And I feel horrible about it.

You’ve ignored the end of my post asking about the trampoline.

I get you may not wish to answer but you said his dad “was”.

Instead of you giving me info I’ll write why I was asking here and you can use the info if it’s relevant.

i work in the area of children who’ve suffered trauma. A child whose father may have left young or even passed away will have experienced some level of trauma. That can affect the way the brain develops and send sensory processing a bit off kilter.

His behaviours very much indicate a sensory seeking profile (hence asking about and suggesting a trampoline).

if any of this is relevant and/or seems to resonate with your ds then have a look at sensory processing/ early childhood trauma and it’ll give you ideas how to support ds which will ultimately support you.

Also don’t underestimate the effects on you of relationship breakdown/ grief. Don’t be afraid of seeing the GP for you either.

And stop beating yourself up for your feelings. It’s not easy raising a child who’s father may has a profile that’s of the extreme of their peers.

I’ve raised a child with send alone since he was 1. There’s been some dark times. But ultimately once I realised only I could change that and to change it I needed to engage rather than be combative (because I was trying my best) things improved.

I wish you luck.

Not a parent but a teacher.

Try to, "catch him being good", it's something we try with the trouble makers in class. Try finding something good about him or his behaviour every day and telling him. It could be something like, "Oh well done you have brushed your teeth really well" or "Thank you for getting me...X Y or Z"

As you said you do not know if he has ADHD or any other SN, but you might find using some techniques parents use with an ADHD.

Your DD's dance class, could that be when he tells you a story?

I have read the thread. All of it.
I know you’re feeling pissed off and irritated, but realistically people can only make suggestions that they think may be helpful to you. A lot of them won’t be, but that’s the nature of an online forum. We’re not in your life, so we can only offer advice based on our own experiences and our own lives. People are just trying to help.

Hi op I wanted to say I have two adult children and I prefer one of them! She’s like my best friend but actually she was the harder of the two growing up.
Your situation sounds relentless. The typical recommendation would be a set routine, good nights sleep, regular meals, lots of opportunity for exercise/stimulation. But it sounds like you are doing all of that. Do you give him advance warning of what’s happening, a visual calendar could help him process his day better which might help.
Just to ask do you give lots him positive interaction? I know it’s hard but there can be a temptation when he’s being good/quiet to ignore him/appreciate the peace but that can lead to a lot of your interactions being negative. I’d just monitor that.
I’d also try to accept the situation, a lot of the negative feelings/ despair comes from the struggle/ desire for things to be different. It also creates a negative story in your head - it’s always like this etc.
if you can find a way to accept the way things are it actually begins to feel easier and try to appreciate/focus on the nice moments, we have a bad habit of just remembering the hard times so try to acknowledge the easier moments too.
it’s worth considering adhd id see how he goes over next year or so if things don’t start to settle consider speaking to the senco at school.
Can you afford extra childcare/ clubs in holidays? My youngest has asd and is very hard work . I arrange for dh/ grandparents/ older siblings to have him at least one day a week in 6 weeks plus he goes to a club one day a week so the max I do is 2/3 days per week. Dh is here on weekends to help too. I appreciate your situation will be different but I would try to lean on others for support where you can.

You have read the thread. Good. So you can see there are helpful and useful comments. Excellent. I’m glad you need no further help from me understanding. If you do, please ask on site stuff why people post on MN and then they can explain there as I am busy.

@sashh thats been my go to but has stopped working.

@itsgettingweird i will probably have to start a new thread for that. They are all totally fair questions but I don’t feel ‘safe’ on here because of the handful of posters circling the thread looking for signs of weakness! So I will leave it for another day and take comfort from the nice replies.

I actually think that’s really unfair. I was trying to help. Not in the way you wanted, obviously.

I worry about a similar dynamic with my kids (4yo DS, 1yo DD) sometimes.

Something that I find has definitely helped was noticing how self critical I am when I have an issue with DS's behaviour. In my head I would be thinking things like :

• it always goes like this
• I don't know what to do about it
• I feel so overwhelmed already
• he always does this
• it's so frustrating

That would feed my frustration and irritation with him, which was contributing to me losing my temper and shouting at him.

Then afterwards, I would feel really really guilty and have a load more self critical thoughts like:

• I'm a terrible parent
• I'm traumatizing him
• this is awful
• I don't deserve to be a mum

Which would leave me stuck in a shame spiral, hating myself and feeling awful about everything. Or otherwise trying to justify to myself that his behaviour was awful and overwhelming.

Catching the first cascade of thoughts and reshaping them to something like "this behaviour is frustrating and I really don't like it. But I can get through it calmly" has made a big difference. As has making it my goal to get through a situation calmly even when he is behaving really badly.

I have also got better at setting boundaries with him a lot earlier about behaviour that isn't actually"bad" but which is just too much for me to manage. Among other things, my DS will want me to tell him a (made up on the fly) story and then interrupt it a million times with random questions while I'm trying to get him to wipe his bum and wash his hands. Or when I'm changing DDs nappy. It is just too much and I get really overwhelmed and wound up by it. So now I just say no I can't right now. Or I'm taking a break from answering questions. And stick to it while focusing on staying calm. It sounds a bit harsh because there's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to hear/tell a story or asking lots of genuine questions. But I found that fielding it all day was totally running down my capacity to manage trickier situations and bad behaviour calmly.

Similarly with activities he wants to do that DD just trashes (card games, Lego etc). Being clear with him that I can't do those activities with him when DD is around because no-one has a good time is better than trying to do it and everyone getting stressed out because I'm wrestling a screaming toddler trying to grab Lego and he's screaming because his model is broken. And sometimes he'll take them off somewhere by himself and play on his own, which is amazing.

I really hope this doesn't sound patronising or obvious - I wanted to share things that have genuinely helped for me with a similar pattern of feeling overwhelmed by my very high energy DS.

GP and HV and his school too.

You need some help to manage his behaviours.

I speak with experience (very difficult 7yo here) and he really tests all my patience but I really praise the good behaviour and the times he is kind and gentle etc
Do get done help though. There will be support out there but you have to let professionals know you are struggling.
X

My DC2 was always more demanding, more emotional, too loud and more difficult to get along with and in some ways too much like me. it was not a great feeling, so yes I think I know where you are coming from.

Dc2 and I always clashed. At age 20, DC2 was diagnosed with ADHD and a few months later so was I. That has helped enormously because I now understand them a lot better, in particular the problems and the strengths that ADHD gives them. This means that I can be more understanding but also avoid issues altogether because I now know what causes them and why. I have also learnt to appreciate some of their good qualities more. So we are in a much better place now

This is really good. Thank you!

Yes I guessed that - hence why I posted for you to take what relevant.

I could read there’s MUCH more to this than what words can be seen.

Take a deep breath. You’ll get there but it’ll be a bumpy road. You need to feel strong yourself first though so take care of yourself

To me, it reads like it’s BEHAVIOUR you prefer in your DD and not necessarily the child.

I completely get this - my oldest for the most part has been sunny, compliant and bright. Youngest also bright but not always sunny and definitely not always compliant! She does, however, make me laugh like a drain and has the most phenomenal singing voice!

certainly it’s been easier to parent the eldest but I definitely dont have a favourite. They are both wonderful human beings with individual talents and foibles.

Also, all behaviour is communication (DD2 diagnosed as autistic last year) so when you can get to the bottom of what they’re communicating it becomes a little bit easier to bear. Maybe try and look at this?

I only have one child and I don’t always have a favourite child!

I am sorry that my contributions haven't been helpful and I wish you and your son well.

If you think I've broken Mumsnet Talk guidelines on this or any other thread, feel free to report my post(s). It is an open forum.

Childhood trauma can be the catalyst for behaviour that challenges. Have you explored play therapy for your child. Depending on the type of trauma, there could be options available through charities. Without knowing this, I can’t help specifically but would suggest you have a look at both local and national charities that support children in their specific trauma.

It sounds to me like you have reached burnout. Could you have delayed post natal depression? Could you be experiencing your own effects from the trauma your child experienced? Would you benefit from some counselling?

Do you have support from family or friends?

Please speak to his school. They will have knowledge and experience and be able to support both you and him. Don’t be afraid of reaching out. X

I had this with my eldest (now 11). He’s just been diagnosed with ADHD and everything now sense for me and for him. A big relief. He’s lovely but could be so intense and so demanding. It actually made him a bit depressed as he got older because he got negative feedback from peers too.

keep an open mind about ADHD even if the school thinks he doesn’t have it. School said my DC2 didn’t have it. They were wrong. They also did not notice DC2’s dyslexia. DC2 is bright and very skilled at hiding both (plus the dyslexia is not that severe). Dyslexia diagnosed at 18, ADHD at 20. DC2 misssd out on a support throughout their whole school career. They got decent grades but almost certainly would have got really good ones with support and ADHD medication.

My SIL blatantly likes her DD more and it’s awful to watch! Her poor son can tell how much more his mum loves his sister, he’s going to grow up with terrible mental health. Please don’t let it show that you prefer your DD it really is awful for a child to know their mum doesn’t like them the same.

Try spending some one on one time with him.
give him all your attention, eye contact, smiling at him and affection. Tell him lots of things you love about him.
Fake it if you have to.
You might find it helps and you might find yourself warm to him.
This will pass.

Now THAT is helpful and thank you doesn’t quite cover it. Will reply more in a bit

Pause for a second, op. Term starts again very soon and you'll get a bit of space from both kids and that will hopefully make you feel much better about things.

Just take it a day at a time for now. It really is just a phase, I appreciate it's been feeling like a really long relentless one (that's summer holidays for you! Even as a teacher I think they are too long).

But in a year or two, maybe less, your ds will start to get better at expressing himself and regulating himself. In the meantime just carry on getting through the day till bedtime.

It's ok to admit how you feel.
It might not be that you actually prefer one child to the other. It could just be that it's been a long summer holiday and you are feeling drained at the moment.

Did you experience any gender disappointment when your son was born?
Only asking because I did too (I had son first and then my daughter).
It doesn't mean we love them less.

And this thank you

Op I think with your DS a lot of it is his age and will improve as he gets older.

Also you are in the thick of it all the time at the moment, with summer holidays and being on your own. Anyone would be losing their patience and worn out due to being constantly 'on'. Give yourself grace. I'm sorry I don't have much advice other than keep plodding on and try to focus on the positives!