Are attitudes to SAHM mothers on here overly negative?

[Anonfortoday2]

I’ve been reading through the replies to my recent post about being a SAHM, and I’m honestly just a bit saddened by how negative people are about it.
So many of the responses were filled with really extreme, worst case what if scenarios. Things like what if he leaves you, what if he financially abuses you, or what if the worst happens and you are left with nothing?
It feels a bit exhausting to look at life that way. Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but you can’t live your life constantly planning for absolute disaster.
It's often made out like SAHMs don't have a brain cell between them, but so many of us are actually completely financially safe. Lots of couples have the property in both names, and arrange private pensions and savings accounts in the mum's own name so she is fully protected.
If anything, some SAHM setups are much more financially secure than a two-income family. So many working couples have a massive mortgage that they absolutely could not afford if they separated, meaning they'd have to sell up anyway. In real life, I actually know more working couples who stay in terrible marriages simply because they can’t afford to live in the same area on their own.
People on here only ever focus on money, but they completely ignore how much value it brings to the household. My husband deeply appreciates me being at home because it removes a massive amount of stress from his life too. We don't have the constant headache of covering sick days, school holidays, or rushing around at bedtime. It makes the whole house run smoother.
Outside the Mumsnet echo chamber, so many families are completely happy with this setup. Being a SAHM was the norm for generations, and it still works beautifully for millions of couples today. For most of us, marriage is a genuine partnership built on mutual love, shared goals, and deep trust. It’s not a business transaction where you are always preparing for a divorce.
I just find it a shame that it’s so hard for people on here to accept that some men really love and support their wives, and that this lifestyle can be a lovely, successful choice for a family.
Am I the only one who thinks the endless worry and negativity about SAHMs on here is a bit disconnected from everyday reality?

Well, I'm in my 50s, and well aware that if I got made redundant I might never get another job (and possibly neither would DH in this financial climate). But, having worked for the last 20+ years since the children were born, and climbed the career ladder, with the associated earnings and pension contributions means I'm independently financially secure enough, in my own right, to be able to live extremely comfortably without working, until 57 when I'll be able to draw down my very chunky occupational pension, topped up again by my state pension at 67. If I'd given up my job 20 odd years ago, that simply wouldn't be the case.

@Stormyrose True feminism, and any form of feminism is socio, economic and political equality. It is not freedom to chose doing the house work and living off your husbands earnings. It simply isn’t and pretending it is doesn’t make it so. No choice you’re making is or gives equality and as such is not feminist.

No this is actually a very niche view, the majority of feminists don’t actually agree that feminism requires women to work out of the home with young children in order to be classed as equals. The mainstream view is absolutely about choice.

I don't think anyone would argue against the fact that different setups work for different families.

You do seem stuck on the very black and white option of a women either has to work full time, be rushed and exhausted 'doing it all' or be a SAHM.

I don't do it all even though I work full time because I have a good DH who does his fair share.

That last paragraph is incredibly nasty and patronising, but it says everything about your attitude rather than mine. Telling another woman to go make the dinner and do the hoovering is about as anti feminist as it gets.
Reducing a woman’s choice to stay at home with her own children to nothing more than living off a husband completely devalues the massive economic and social worth of caregiving. Feminism was supposed to be about giving women the autonomy to choose their own path whether that is in a boardroom or at home not bullying and belittling women who don't choose the standard 9 to 5.
I am legally and financially protected as an equal partner in my marriage, so I have plenty of economic equality. And as for starting threads I have already told you this a singular follow on thread and I am simply replying to comments left for me.
If you truly defend the right to choose, you wouldn't feel the need to use such bitter, condescending language to attack a lifestyle just because it isn't the one you wanted.

I could have been a SAHP, I chose not to. I don't work full time hours, but I find what I do keeps a a balance for everyone.

I can still have a financial help towards everything even if a smaller contribution. It means we can have a holiday, it means no dipping into the overdraft.

I'm showing my children it's good to work, keeping myself in the working world whilst being around a bit more for my family. The balance is good.

If we decided as a family it really would have been beneficial being out of paid work I think I would have done some voluntary work somewhere to keep my skills up.

But I will say this, my days in paid work are much easier than my kids days, so hats off to all the SAHP!!

You are wrong: read my post again. I said you probably genuinely view it as my friend does and don’t think it boring drudge work. I totally believe that’s so.

What I am saying is the fact you don’t view it that way is convenient for your husband. Do you think he’d want to look after the kids all day rather than being at work? I bet he wouldn’t. Neither do I and neither do many women.

But the fact women like you happen to enjoy it and therefore facilitiate his professional, paid career and that it tends to be more women who are stay at home perpetuates the status quo. It solves the issue of the burden of childcare by continuing the status quo and perpetuating the expectation that it’ll be the woman that steps up, rather than it being a shared burden so both partners in other partnerships can progress their careers.

I understand some have said that’s a niche view rather than the prevailing “choice” view, to which you clearly subscribe but the more women who take the hit and stay at home rather than sharing both child rearing and bringing in money, the slower things will change.

I’m genuinely glad you have a supportive husband and a setup that works for you.
But my point isn't black and white. For many women, balancing a career and family is exhausting, which makes stepping away a completely positive alternative. My husband is massively supportive and wanted to give me this option .
The real black and white thinking comes from the other side on here. Any time a SAHM shares that she is happy and secure, it is immediately written off as a bad choice.

You literally admitted you view looking after your own children as a burden that you wouldn't want to do all day. That’s your choice, but please don't project your own resentment onto my life.
It isn't a convenient burden that I'm taking off his hands it's a lifestyle we both wanted and chose together. My husband actually loves being a dad and spends loads of time with our kids . We don't view raising our own children as a miserable chore that needs to be mathematically split to the second.
You keep trying to turn my happy, secure marriage into a global political debate about the workforce. My personal life choices are not responsible for perpetuating societal expectations for everyone else. True equality means respecting that women can make choices that genuinely suit their own homes, even if that choice doesn't fit your personal view of what feminism should look like.

@Anonfortoday2 I wonder why you started this thread? You've put yourself in a position of having to justify your life's choices to strangers on the internet, but no one asked you to. It seems upsetting to you and I just wonder why you started this? If you're happy you're happy. It's clearly not the right choice for everyone, and women as a class should probably not all opt out of earning money, but you're happy that you have. So why worry about what others think of you?

didn't start this thread to justify my life or ask for approval
Mumsnet is a discussion forum, and the whole point of it is to debate trends and opinions. I started this to point out the immediate, extreme doom mongering that happens here whenever someone shares a SAHM experience.
I’m not worried about what people think of me personally. But I could ask you the exact same question ? It does make me wonder why you are commenting no one asked you to ?

I have one child, not children. I view a lot of early years rearing as thankless drudgery. It’s hardly a major shameful admission: many women have cottoned onto that fact, which is a major reason the birth rate is plummeting. That and poor childcare options and the fact many men won’t pull their weight with their kids. Those men aren’t judged.

You’ve castigated plenty on this thread for judging you. Practise what you preach, as the tone of this post is very judgmental.

If your husband loves staying at home with kids, why isn’t he the primary carer? Did you just not like working outside the home much?

It's funny how you don't like getting your own tone back. You have spent this entire thread tearing down my life choices, but the second I hold up a mirror to your own words, you claim I'm the one being judgmental.
You admitted yourself that you view early years care as thankless drudgery. Thats your view, but it doesn't mean those of us who actually love looking after our kids and homes are doing something shameful or lazy.
As for why my husband isn't the primary carer, it's very simple he loves his career, and I genuinely prefer being the one at home. It was a mutual, decision made by two adults who look at marriage as a team. You really need to practise what you preach. If you want people to stop judging your life and your views on parenting, stop trying so hard to pick apart mine.

Whether someone is 'safe' or not is entirely circumstantial. My sister has has no mortgage, very large (probably) 1mill house in both names, about 1mill in savings/shares/investments shared between accounts in both names. She hasn't worked for many years.
In her case she is a SAHM but I don't believe her to be at anywhere near the same risk as described in these sorts of threads.

The SAHMs that are at risk are the ones unmarried, nobody paying into a pension, big mortgage etc.

My kids are grown up now but in my circles it was normal for mum to stay home, childminders and the odd nursery around were prohibitively expensive for the types of jobs my circles could do, retail, cleaners, hairdressers. Dad worked, again factory, warehouses, drivers. Top ups claimed. Nobody was considered a 'scrounger' for doing so, it was normal. Kids went to mum and toddler group then playgroup then school. Only the village posh kids went to the montessori. Pride doesn't pay bills, families do what financially is viable. These days childcare is outsourced and women encouraged to work whilst kids are little.

It’s role modelling a traditional housewife set up and perpetuating economic inequalities of the gender pay gap IMO.

Equality won’t move in the direction of Scandinavia and childcare won’t be more accessible for the next generation as long as women are propping up traditional systems like this.

Is both partners share the load and work out eg sick days etc it shouldn’t be that stressful for either and the woman doesn’t continue to be the ‘default parent’.

Many jobs are now more flexible with hours WFH as well so it’s easier to manage practically than ever.

On MN it’s women usually taking the hit when relationships break down and those most vulnerable on here are out of touch with the current job market and don’t have their own source of income or financial independence.

@Anonfortoday2if you don’t want to know people’s views on your life choices, I suggest you don’t start a thread on them.

What about situations where BOTH partners feel as your husband does and neither wants to stay at home with the kids? So often it’s the woman who has to pick up the slack because choices like yours (although suitable for your family) perpetuate gender expectations of women and allow men to continue to view child rearing as women’s work.

You asked: now you know what some others think.

Why did you even start the thread? Pointless bun fight? I mean, it’s not as if you’re going to change my mind! 😂

Of course it is when your options seem to be A - exhausted mother working full time and doing it all or B - SAHM. There's nowhere in the middle including working part time which is actually what most mothers do now or simply a mother working full time and not having a DH who expects her to do everything at home too.

I do believe it is almost always a bad choice. I can believe that and also acknowledge that it makes some women happy. As I already have done on this thread.

You asked 😁 you stated a thread asking

Sorry wrong thread

I really agree with this. Yes of course women should be able to make whatever choices they want with their lives. But it does perpetuate sexist stereotypes about women’s work and men’s work. If it was truly so great, men would be doing it in much greater numbers. I also wondered how SAHMs motivate their daughters to do well at school/ go to uni etc if they’ve just jacked it all in to stay at home tidying up etc.

I can’t believe in this day and age women actually don’t know what feminism is, that’s utterly dismaying and we need to do a better job of educating girls. Femimism is not thr right to choose. And it is not a niche view to say it’s about socio economic and political equality,

feminism definition.

feminism
/ˈfɛmɪnɪz(ə)m/
Feminism is a social, political, and cultural movement dedicated to achieving equal rights, opportunities, and treatment for all genders.
Core Principles

• Equality: The fundamental belief that people of all genders deserve the same social, economic, and political rights.
• Challenging Patriarchy: Working to dismantle systemic structures and biases that favor men and limit others.
• Intersectionality: Recognizing how gender intersects with race, class, sexuality, and other identities to shape people's experiences of inequality.

Key Goals in Practice

• Fair Pay: Fighting against the gender pay gap and seeking equal value for all types of labor.
• Safety and Autonomy: Protecting individuals from gender-based violence, harassment, and discrimination.
• Breaking Stereotypes: Removing rigid societal expectations tied to traditional gender roles.

Well that’s stupid on his part. Mad anyone is SAH unmarried, male or female.

OP of course plenty of couples where one is SAH have a good financial set up. But a lot dont. And in the vast majority of situation it’s the woman who has no income, isnt married and sometimes isnt even named on the property. Thats the posts you see often on here where the relationship has ended / the man has left / cheated and the woman is in a nightmare situation with no rights; no job, no money of their own.

I will just give my response from my own life. My Mum was a sahm until school age because we moved around the world, Dad was military. Previous to this she worked FT from age 15 to 23 and her wages were given directly to her Mum, a widow with 3 DC who worked all hours.

As soon as she could get a job around school hours she did. This meant 5am start cleaning and lunchtime dinner lady.

This was how I was brought up, a strong Father who provided but also a strong Mum who worked but was there before and after school.

Me, fortunately I had the era of being able to study for a career and get a good job in my early 20s, having worked since age 16 in all areas.

With DC I had the usual ML and went back part time, 3 days a week. This was ideal, financially and for being with our DC.

If within a couple one can be a sahp that's great 👍 I loved my Mum being there as a kid, although she she did actually work before and during our time at school but not when we were very young and so appreciated.

It really is a matter of choice and if you can afford it. I think when a Mum says she's a sahm many of us working may feel a bit envious but actually many don't because we have our own lives outside of the home, earning, a sort of self worth rather than just being a parent.

To add, the only sahms I've known haven't really been sahms, they've been pregnant teenagers whose parents have looked after DC, also those who could barely look after themselves or super rich.

So I think it's not a sahm bashing, more personal experiences from what has become the norm. Financially it's difficult to live comfortably without both parents working, women can be the breadwinner (I was) unless the man earns a fortune.

Well if you can afford to then great 👍

Don't know your circumstances, but the 'why should I work' clearly means your partner can provide for you all?

Ideally no one really wants to go to work but do it to finance a future for our DC and set positive role models.