Are attitudes to SAHM mothers on here overly negative?

[Anonfortoday2]

I’ve been reading through the replies to my recent post about being a SAHM, and I’m honestly just a bit saddened by how negative people are about it.
So many of the responses were filled with really extreme, worst case what if scenarios. Things like what if he leaves you, what if he financially abuses you, or what if the worst happens and you are left with nothing?
It feels a bit exhausting to look at life that way. Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but you can’t live your life constantly planning for absolute disaster.
It's often made out like SAHMs don't have a brain cell between them, but so many of us are actually completely financially safe. Lots of couples have the property in both names, and arrange private pensions and savings accounts in the mum's own name so she is fully protected.
If anything, some SAHM setups are much more financially secure than a two-income family. So many working couples have a massive mortgage that they absolutely could not afford if they separated, meaning they'd have to sell up anyway. In real life, I actually know more working couples who stay in terrible marriages simply because they can’t afford to live in the same area on their own.
People on here only ever focus on money, but they completely ignore how much value it brings to the household. My husband deeply appreciates me being at home because it removes a massive amount of stress from his life too. We don't have the constant headache of covering sick days, school holidays, or rushing around at bedtime. It makes the whole house run smoother.
Outside the Mumsnet echo chamber, so many families are completely happy with this setup. Being a SAHM was the norm for generations, and it still works beautifully for millions of couples today. For most of us, marriage is a genuine partnership built on mutual love, shared goals, and deep trust. It’s not a business transaction where you are always preparing for a divorce.
I just find it a shame that it’s so hard for people on here to accept that some men really love and support their wives, and that this lifestyle can be a lovely, successful choice for a family.
Am I the only one who thinks the endless worry and negativity about SAHMs on here is a bit disconnected from everyday reality?

True choice is not about other women supporting you. Your personal choices are no one else’s busiensss. You keep starting threads about this, no one is going to cheer you on, as long as you are happy, your partner and kids, that’s all that matters, stop asking other women to validate you.

They can be solved with considerable wealth. All the planning on the world won't work if you don't have enough assets to buy investments to replace one person's salary for life. Half of all marital assets isn't good enough if the assets are tiny and one person has lost their salary and pension earning power.

For some, very wealthy people, security can be provided with planning. For all others, it's putting the SAHP in a very vulnerable position.

@Anonfortoday2 “As for my daughter, I'm teaching her that true empowerment is having the choice to live the life that actually suits you.”

I would be teaching male and female children NOT to be dependent on someone else.
Always be in a position to earn your own money.

I do understand when it comes from a place of genuine concern and when I was a SAHM I did appreciate the genuine advice (like getting him to contribute to my pension and stuff). However, a lot of it is just “WHAT ABOUT WHEN HE LEAVES YOU FOR A 20 YEAR OLD!!” in and weird kind of way. Almost seems like they want you to be fucked over. I work now and I enjoy it, but I am glad I got to stay home with my children when they were really small and I think it would be good if it was a more feasible option for most people. Note I said OPTION before someone says I’m taking women back or whatever.

Well if you think it's just bad character you are naive.

There is definitely an element of jealousy.

But seeing as I haven't got a crystal ball, I just don't know.

Jealous of financial insecurity?
Anyone could have that, most people choose not to.

Honestly, I find it baffling anyone thinks jealousy is a factor. Being a SAHP doesn’t look remotely appealing to most people, with the possible exception of people who really hate their job/field but are trapped in it.

No jealousy of being able to spend more time with the kid rather than run around like a headless chicken managing the house and working. (Especially when their DH is also feckless with the kids).

YABU to think ‘most’ SAHMs have joint properties and their own private pensions.

I have literally been told this by a couple of women who do work and would like a better work /home life balance.

Personally I think the individuals concerned would go nutty if they were a SAHP but that's a whole different conversation.

But surely you could just as easily say that SAHMs are jealous of women who chose less shit men to have children with.

I don't really care what others choose to do. If it works for you and your family, and if you've put measures in place to ensure that you would be financially secure if something went wrong, then good for you - but you aren't really the type of SAHP that others are saying are taking risks.

It isn't a choice that I would ever want my daughter to make, and frankly, I don't think it's likely that she would ever choose it anyway. I also wouldn't want her to find herself in a situation where her partner/husband was making a choice to be a SAHP. Of course, I would respect their choices if that's what they wanted to do, but I certainly wouldn't regard it as a desirable set-up for someone that I loved. But if strangers choose to arrange their lives like that, then that's their business and not my concern.

I'm from the Nordics, and more and more women here are choosing to become SAHMs, actually. But the real reason why there are "basically no housewives" here is because

1. We have a much better work-life balance than many countries. By 15:00-16:00 pretty much everyone goes home.
2. Many workplaces here are flexible and allow people to set their hours as it suits them - as long as the job gets done, and done well, most managers don't give a shit when you work.
3. The Nordics are generally very family-oriented societies, and most people and workplaces understand and make room for family allowances.
4. Nurseries are pretty afforable. In my country, fulltime care in nurseries in the capital city (including meals and snacks for the child) is under £500/month. You can opt out of lunch which cuts the price down to about £400/month. Child no. 2 goes to nursery for half price.

All of those reasons combined mean a lot of women don't necessarily feel the need to become SAHMs. But as I said, more and more Nordic women find themselves thinking it's more important for them to be present for their kids so choose to become SAHMs.

True choice means supporting women whichever path they choose, rather than writing off an entire lifestyle just because it wouldn't suit you

I disagree. Why should we support women in whichever path they choose, when some paths are so clearly detrimental?

Funny how it is mainly women who are nourished/ satisfied/ fulfilled by staying at home and being dependant on Mr Big Man. Are you sure you're sure there is no element of societal pressure there at all? It's just pure coincidence that this one falls mainly on women?

Well yes.

I'm not denying that!

What I'm saying is you get a range of weird views from both sides of the fence. There is no ideal set up and there's positives and negatives to both situations.

The issue is more when you have no real choice in which route you take, or if you take a route which leaves you especially vulnerable.

Having an honest conversation about where this leaves all women and how you should always protect yourself no matter how secure you are and how much you trust your partner really is what we should be encouraging.

But hell there's a lot of people who put words in your mouth or think you are being contradictory when you really aren't.

Your life could be so much better than this.

I haven't started loads of thread at all this is following 1 tread and I’m just replying to the comments people are leaving for me.
I’m really not looking for a cheerleading squad or validation from internet strangers. I am completely happy and secure in my life. The whole point of a discussion forum like Mumsnet is to talk about trends and opinions, which is exactly what I'm doing.
If my personal choices are truly no one else’s business, it’s a bit ironic that you keep coming back to comment on them. If you genuinely think it doesn't matter, you are more than welcome to stop replying and scroll past.

I work 35 hours a week from home, with flexibility. The children were mostly at school during my working hours, so, no I didn't miss out on time with them. I could also attend all the assemblies, concerts, sports days etc.

And I wasn't "running round like a headless chicken" because DH and I fairly shared the mental and household load.

Not everyone is with a man who won't do their fair share and expects their wife/partner to skivvy for them.

Did I say that? Did I suggest you were jealous?

No.

So wind your neck in

You are proving my point about others thinking I'm saying something I have not.

Calling a happy family setup detrimental and reducing a hard working husband to Mr Big Man is just pure condescension.
the idea that I'm giving in to societal pressure. If anything, the massive pressure on women today is to do it all work full time, raise a family, and run a house perfectly while being completely exhausted. Choosing to step away from that frantic rush isn't brainwashing it's a deliberate choice to have a calmer, stress free life.
It is entirely possible to advocate for women's independence while still respecting that some women genuinely prefer looking after their homes and children over a standard 9 to 5 job. Mocking women who choose this path isn't progressive or feminist it's just dismissive.

I rather think you did suggest exactly that!

I think that people who are mean about SAHMs don't care about their vulnerable position but are just jealous. Ultimately if I was having kids now then I would stay at work as employers are much more flexible now. It was super hard to get part time/flexible work until Covid really. The only people who have ever said anything to me are people who I know don't give a stuff about my welfare and just want to be mean and try and make themselves feel better. Most of my friends are either retired or work full-time and do not care one way about my working situation. I have kept up with my skills and will go back to work at some point. I would probably advise someone not to be a SAHM beginning now as the divorce laws have changed and I have seen women be hugely disadvantaged if things go wrong unless you have lots of assets (e.g benefitted from rise in house prices). Also never have a baby with someone unless you are married.

Yes I said that.

What made you think I was referring to you personally rather than a general thing that I have experienced with a number of women?

Genuinely. Wind. Your. Neck. In.

I swear some people think it's all about them when it's not.

Look, I don't know you or care what you do with your own life. You clearly love not working so crack on, you're not hurting anyone.

You've considered option A - do it all, work full time, beome exhausted.
You've chosen option B- happy housewife
You haven't mentioned option C - retain your career, earn your own money, but don't be the one doing it all. Share the mental and physical load of childrearing with the person you chose to procreate with.

We need to expect more of men for Option C to work, not simply remove ourselves from the labour pool. My husband and I earn roughly the same, work similarly flexible roles, and take on equal responsibility for child rearing. It works for us, just like your way works for you