Are attitudes to SAHM mothers on here overly negative?

[Anonfortoday2]

I’ve been reading through the replies to my recent post about being a SAHM, and I’m honestly just a bit saddened by how negative people are about it.
So many of the responses were filled with really extreme, worst case what if scenarios. Things like what if he leaves you, what if he financially abuses you, or what if the worst happens and you are left with nothing?
It feels a bit exhausting to look at life that way. Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but you can’t live your life constantly planning for absolute disaster.
It's often made out like SAHMs don't have a brain cell between them, but so many of us are actually completely financially safe. Lots of couples have the property in both names, and arrange private pensions and savings accounts in the mum's own name so she is fully protected.
If anything, some SAHM setups are much more financially secure than a two-income family. So many working couples have a massive mortgage that they absolutely could not afford if they separated, meaning they'd have to sell up anyway. In real life, I actually know more working couples who stay in terrible marriages simply because they can’t afford to live in the same area on their own.
People on here only ever focus on money, but they completely ignore how much value it brings to the household. My husband deeply appreciates me being at home because it removes a massive amount of stress from his life too. We don't have the constant headache of covering sick days, school holidays, or rushing around at bedtime. It makes the whole house run smoother.
Outside the Mumsnet echo chamber, so many families are completely happy with this setup. Being a SAHM was the norm for generations, and it still works beautifully for millions of couples today. For most of us, marriage is a genuine partnership built on mutual love, shared goals, and deep trust. It’s not a business transaction where you are always preparing for a divorce.
I just find it a shame that it’s so hard for people on here to accept that some men really love and support their wives, and that this lifestyle can be a lovely, successful choice for a family.
Am I the only one who thinks the endless worry and negativity about SAHMs on here is a bit disconnected from everyday reality?

I think there’s reason why there are basically no housewives in the most progressive countries in the world, the Nordics.

In the version of the Real World I inhabit, being a SAHP never comes up because no one of either sex does it without some kind of extenuating circumstance — I’m in my fifties and have lived in five countries on three continents, and the only friends who have not worked outside the home after having children are (1) man who was made redundant three times in a row, the third time somewhere with literally no openings in his field, so he stayed at home with the toddler and five year old for a few years until the family moved again (2) woman with surprise multiple birth after IVF, as childcare fees would been huge (3) man with significant chronic illness and poor MH (4) trailing spouse whose visa didn’t allow her to work

The UK isn't Scandinavia though. We don’t have their heavily subsidised childcare, so the comparison doesn't really work. For lots of families here, having one parent at home just makes the most practical sense.

I think if you’ve seen how far up shit creek some women are left when they’ve been out of the job market for 20 years and entirely financially reliant on someone else and their husband (or even worse, just partner) fucks off, then you would understand.

It’s all lovely and wonderful till it isn’t, and it isn’t the husbands who are fucked over.

And it’s pure coincidence, I suppose, that it’s virtually always the woman whose considerable self-sacrifice ‘makes practical sense’?

Well it's sort of a natural extension of the woman being the only one who can nourish a baby.

I do get that bad situations happen, but it’s unfair to assume SAHMs are just blind to reality.
Many of us are financially safe with joint properties, private pensions, and savings in our own names. We aren't just crossing our fingers we’ve planned responsibly as a team.
Worst case scenarios can happen in any setup.

It is risky, ask my friend who has just divorced her cheating DH after 30 years together. She was a SAHM for 14 years. Her career progression was messed up. She was thankfully a teacher in a needed subject, so did manage to get back to employment quite easily. she will now enjoy having a mortgage till she is almost 70. She agreed to far less of his pension because she needed a house right now and could only afford a small mortgage so she settled for more house equity. She also needed to buy a car.

It’s not negative it’s just very risky always relying on another for economic viability. Worked with a woman who was widowed at just under 40. You need to ponder the horrible stuff in life.

True, and often they're not even husbands, they're partners.

"Lots of couples have the property in both names, and arrange private pensions and savings accounts in the mum's own name so she is fully protected.
If anything, some SAHM setups are much more financially secure than a two-income family."

Yeah, not really the norm OP sadly.

I agree with you. I just officially became a SAHM - today in fact! It’s not for everyone and I would never say it was, but I think if you’re sensible and careful, can afford it and have a decent husband then why not

My DP is a SAHD, yep if I leave him he would be starting from scratch with no job and no resources but, we love each other and chose to build our life this way and it works for us?

It would be very sad if something unimaginable happened like him cheating and us breaking up, but I'm not going to make decisions in our current circumstances based on those what ifs, and I didnt when the kids were young and I was the one on mat leave/working part time.

I lol at the idea that I'm self sacrificing here. Honestly, I could work don't want to work .
Most working mums I know are completely overwhelmed trying to manage the mental load alongside a job. Why on earth would I want the added stress of rushing around for breakfast clubs, after school clubs, and holiday childcare?
For us, me being at home isn't a sacrifice it' removes a massive amount of daily stress from our lives. It’s a shame people can't accept that some women genuinely prefer this lifestyle.

It really isn’t, you know. Formula has existed for a long time. And women continue to pump and store breastmilk after they return from maternity leave.

I just don't understand why people care so much about other people's life choices.
SAHP?
Not a SAHP?
Who bloody cares?

To be honest it's very rare that the conversation comes up within my friendship group. Most of us work , a few don't - I don't care what other people do, it doesn't affect me at all .

I think people would rather these women not be shit on by these men that's all. It's good you are in a good position with your husband but unfortunately some men are abusive and make it so their partner is dependent on them as part of the control. Then if she leaves, will do anything to not give her a penny even for his own children. Not recognising what she gave up for him and his career too!

I would always advocate for any woman to earn their own money as much as possible unless in a position where it would be impossible with severely sen children Etc. My mum instilled this in me and I am glad she did.

You’re looking at this the wrong way round. Working to support yourself and any children you have had isn’t ’added stress’, it’s the normal course of life, and perfectly manageable with two working parents! Are you one of those people who never found a fulfilling line of work, or who had always planned to become a SAHM once she had children?

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend, but honestly, people do ponder the horrible stuff we just choose to protect ourselves financially instead of avoiding the lifestyle altogether.
Like I said before, being a SAHM doesn't mean you have to be totally reliant. With the house in both names and your own private pensions, you aren't left with nothing. Your friend actually had the asset of the house equity to use because of her setup, and she made a specific choice to trade the pension for the house right now.
As for being widowed, that is exactly what life insurance is for.
Terrible things happen in life to all sorts of families. Plenty of working couples face financial ruin or get trapped in miserable marriages because they can't afford to split. You can't live your life in fear of every 'what if' when you can just plan responsibly and enjoy a happy marriage

Most working mums I know are completely overwhelmed trying to manage the mental load alongside a job. Why on earth would I want the added stress of rushing around for breakfast clubs, after school clubs, and holiday childcare?

Why would that be your job when your DC have two parents?

It's definately a thing on mumsnet. They are hated.

Apparently if you raise your own kids you're lazy, but if a childminder or nursery worker raises them then she's not. Go figure lol.

Yes. After mere days or weeks in some countries.

My friend’s a SAHP, having had a high flying career before. She had many kids in close succession, having begun her family relatively late, at about 34.

She stays at home because her husband earns a huge wedge - but that means someone absolutely had to be there to do all the kid stuff as he simply cannot do his job and earn that amount and also ever be “on call”.

She is fairly smug and a bit judgy about parenting choices anyway, maintaining her husband absolutely LOVES being a dad. She was crowing about how all his pals were telling him before they had their first child that his life would be over with young kids and saying how he hasn’t found that at all!

Well, that’s because she’s doing all the thankless drudge work behind the scenes (with some external help - from another woman) meaning that having children has actually changed his life relatively little - certainly in comparison to how hers has changed.

By contrast - my husband’s life changed a lot more than his because I made clear he had to share the hard work of a young child. TBH neither of us had a bundle of laughs during the early years, but at least we shared the load a bit more. nevertheless, we have only one because that work was still nowhere near equally shared.

Stay at home mothers make it easier for men to have children without the men’s lives changing too much. that is because it is the woman who picks up the slack, the mental load, the unexpected early pick ups from school or nursery. Their choice to stay at home perpetuates the view for too many men that child rearing is, ultimately, women’s work.

And when women disproportionately shoulder domestic labor, it reinforces systemic gender stereotypes and relieves the state and male partners from sharing care work equitably.

Finally, structural barriers like high childcare costs and rigid workplace cultures mean many women "choose" to stay home not out of pure desire, but because economic and social conditions leave them no viable alternative.

Honestly yes.

Women are in a ‘new era’ generally really and I think we have lots of choices yet none at the same time. By that I mean we live in a patriarchy still; there is a common perspective that we should strive for independence and make our own choices and aim for success at work and at home as mothers. I think there’s a tendancy towards women who don’t ‘do’ all of these things to be ‘held to account’ by other women; possibly because they feel obliged to take on all of the above with societal expectation; or have slightly different choices infront of them. Women are understandably very passionate and sensitive about this debate because it’s our children and family outcomes that are at stake really.
I think it’s best to not discuss it too much here because it always ends badly!

Because we are a team, and we looked at our lives and decided we didn't want either of us dealing with that constant rush.
By me being at home, it removes that frantic stress from our entire household. Neither of us has to scramble for breakfast clubs, worry about who is off work for sick days, or stress over school holidays.
My husband works hard to fund our life, and I run the home. It’s a joint decision that works beautifully for both of us and makes our family life much more relaxed.

Don’t they have really generous maternity leave and great childcare?