Are attitudes to SAHM mothers on here overly negative?

[Anonfortoday2]

I’ve been reading through the replies to my recent post about being a SAHM, and I’m honestly just a bit saddened by how negative people are about it.
So many of the responses were filled with really extreme, worst case what if scenarios. Things like what if he leaves you, what if he financially abuses you, or what if the worst happens and you are left with nothing?
It feels a bit exhausting to look at life that way. Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but you can’t live your life constantly planning for absolute disaster.
It's often made out like SAHMs don't have a brain cell between them, but so many of us are actually completely financially safe. Lots of couples have the property in both names, and arrange private pensions and savings accounts in the mum's own name so she is fully protected.
If anything, some SAHM setups are much more financially secure than a two-income family. So many working couples have a massive mortgage that they absolutely could not afford if they separated, meaning they'd have to sell up anyway. In real life, I actually know more working couples who stay in terrible marriages simply because they can’t afford to live in the same area on their own.
People on here only ever focus on money, but they completely ignore how much value it brings to the household. My husband deeply appreciates me being at home because it removes a massive amount of stress from his life too. We don't have the constant headache of covering sick days, school holidays, or rushing around at bedtime. It makes the whole house run smoother.
Outside the Mumsnet echo chamber, so many families are completely happy with this setup. Being a SAHM was the norm for generations, and it still works beautifully for millions of couples today. For most of us, marriage is a genuine partnership built on mutual love, shared goals, and deep trust. It’s not a business transaction where you are always preparing for a divorce.
I just find it a shame that it’s so hard for people on here to accept that some men really love and support their wives, and that this lifestyle can be a lovely, successful choice for a family.
Am I the only one who thinks the endless worry and negativity about SAHMs on here is a bit disconnected from everyday reality?

I'm sure she's fine and will continue to be so but even with this sort of security, people should be aware of their risk. Joint accounts can be emptied, debts can be run up, and houses take time to sell.

WOHP aren't immune to this either but they do at least have regular monthly income with which to start to plug the gap IF their partner/spouse decides to leave (or becomes ill/disabled/dies)

Sure! Some of us are fortunate enough to have enough savings, property and income to know that we could just go it alone tomorrow without too much financial difficulty. But we're in a minority. If telling people over and over again that they are putting themselves at financial risk makes even one person put measures in to protect themselves, then it's worth offending people with "doom mongering".

I'll be honest, of the 3 SAHM I have known, 2 were left high and dry after sacrificing good careers but their husband left. The last left her husband and found she also needs help from the old bank of taxpayer after he wouldn't reconcile their marriage.

One can only say it how they see it....

@Anonfortoday2

DID you want a discussion? Or just to insult others who challenge you? Are unaccustomed to being challenged?

Seems that way, when you further weaken an already shaky argument by insulting the person with whom you’re “discussing”, resorting to ad hominem comments.

Poor show.

how many people would actually choose not to work if they truly had the choice, like if they won the lottery etc. It is so strange how some comments suggest a SAHM mom doesn’t have a life outside of the house. It's equally strange how so many people seem to class work as a massive part of their personality, almost as if they don’t even know themselves outside of their job.

I probably wouldn't work if I won super big on the lottery
I could be a SAHM if I wanted to but I choose to work

I don't see the comparison really. They are very different things.

Though my career is a massive part of who I am, I've worked incredibly hard to get to where I am and I'm very proud of that. I don't see any issues with that.

My point was more about having the ultimate freedom to choose how we spend our time. If most people would stop working after a massive lottery win, it just shows that being at home is a luxury many would actually love to have. Everyone finds their identity in different place.

I consider independent wealth to be a luxury which isn't usually the case when someone is a SAHM. I don't consider it to be a luxury to solely rely on someone else financially.

It’s unlikely that any sahm solely relies on her DH though. Women aren’t born in a bubble and immediately become sahm’s. The vast majority of them will have worked, contributed to assets, contributed to savings, set up the families lifestyle and then take a period of time off paid work due to their children.
I do think people try to be demeaning with their constant inference that sahm’s rely on their DH for everything.

You keep escalating this. Yes if people had a huge lottery win they wouldn’t not chose to work. But very few people are of that level where they are secure for life and in a life of luxury and have the funds to do as they please. Otherwise work is something we chose, as we enjoy it, it secures our futures, supports our children’s futures.

and I genuinely don’t beleive you’re in this bracket. I’m actually not even sure I beleive your husband is as wealthy as you make out, I think he’s likely just an above average earner, you live within budget, have a modest home and mortgage to enable your life style choice,

Many of us are financially safe with joint properties, private pensions, and savings in our own names. We aren't just crossing our fingers we’ve planned responsibly as a teamWorst case scenarios can happen in any setup.

I don't know why you're making such a big deal about being financially safe with the house being in both names.

So what? Uness the mortgage is completely paid off you're vulnerable.

Even if the mortgages is completely paid off, you're still vulnerable. Equity from one property generally doesn't buy two property properties of an equal size. So if you do split up you end up in a much smaller property, because you're not working and you can't afford to pay mortgage on a bigger property if you split. Man on the other hand is working and can afford a better property with a smaller amount of equity because he can pay a bigger mortgage off.

Also, if you are independently wealthy and have your own saving savings and what not well half of that is his if you divorce. It works both ways.

SAHMs are not all the same. The women I know with professional careers have continued to work, sometimes scaling down if their role permitted. I looked after a DGD one day a week, she was in nursery three days, DD worked four days. There were few mums at toddler group, there were mainly grandparents like me or childminders.

The few mothers I’ve met who don’t work have been on benefits, they didn’t have careers as such before having a child. Are they SAHMs or simply unemployed? I volunteer in a charity shop, it’s surprising how many who have come for some work experience once they have no dependent children, when benefits plummet.

You could argue this post for days OP. Everyone will have different views and that's ok.

However your husband is not a lottery win and many women know that children grow and getting back to work may be impossible after 20 years out. Not to mention the reliance on your husband and the risk.

My husband earns a huge amount of money. I am maintaining my career (nurse) even though nursery fees have cost more than my take home pay for 4 years..it's future proofing.

It's fine you are a SAHM OP. But don't for one minute think it's financially safer.

How do you know the situations of SAHMs who visit the charity shop? Are they really telling you that they are on benefits or are you presuming this? 🤔

I’m a SAHM and no one other than very close friends know about my financial situation - not even school mums who I’ve chatted to daily for years…

I’ve never been on any benefits. My DH has a very good salary but we don’t go around telling people this. We live in a modest house so people might presume, but they’d be wrong. They probably also presume that the expensive holidays we go on are funded by credit due to this (as I see on here time and time again), but again, they’d be wrong…

I had DC later in life so had many years of working prior to having DC. I didn’t enjoy it one bit - I got no satisfaction from it and definitely worked to live rather than the other way around. Being a SAHM has given me the chance to spend lots of time with my children as well as discover and develop my own hobbies - ones that give me much much pleasure and satisfaction than working ever did.

And I still couldn’t have afforded all the bills on my salary, so if my DH had left me, I’d still have been in a difficult position…

@embroideredowl they have come, via the jobcentre, for work experience. Our shop is not in an affluent area, and they are quite open about not having worked. I’m retired, and have been there a long time. I’ve helped a couple with CVs, no work experience for years, no husband or partner with a job either. I was merely pointing out that not everyone who appears to be a SAHM is in the same situation.

I’m sure there are many sahm who have joint properties and private savings (enough beyond 3-6 month salary) but the majority do not have these things. So when people talk of the dangers of being a sahm they are talking about the majority.

I always think that those stay at home. Mothers with all of those things are slightly exaggerating, just how okay they be.

In today's worlds, very few people can afford to live on one salary. If you've been built up savings among other things. And then stop working and live off one income, watch how fast your savings run out once you're living alone again with children and don't want to work can't get a job because you haven't worked for years.

I ssimply don't believe there are a vast amount of women out there who have built up enough money at that young age to never have to work again for the rest of their lives. It just doesn't seem true.

I would absolutely choose to work if I won the lottery. I might change jobs, or I might hire someone to do the bits of my job that I don't particularly like, but work is about much more than the money for me. It is about having a sense of purpose and achievement beyond the narrow confines of my own family/household. It is about the intellectual stimulation and challenge. It is about having structure and a sense of momentum. It is about using my talents and fulfilling my potential. It is about feeling that I'm making a difference to the world. It is about the teamwork and camaraderie that you experience when working with others towards shared goals. And the satisfaction that you experience when you achieve those goals.

I'm not saying that you can't achieve all of those things without engaging in paid work. I'm sure you could. I'm also not saying that everyone experiences these benefits from their work. I'm sure they don't. But for me personally, that's what my work represents and I wouldn't give it up unless I genuinely had no choice.

ETA It is nothing to do with not knowing who I am outside of work - I know exactly who I am, thanks, and there are many other aspects of my life which are extremely important to me - family, friends, community, personal interests etc. The fact that I enjoy my work and value the extra dimension that it brings to my life doesn't mean that I don't value and prioritise those other aspects of life which are also important to me. I am able to draw value and fulfilment from different aspects of my life simultaneously without feeling the need to focus on only one.

I'm independently wealthy, and strangely I still prefer to work in a rewarding, mentally stimulating career over wiping bums, being house skivvy and chatting to school mums about Oreos in lunchboxes...

completely agree that everyone has different views, and that is totally okay However, I think you might have missed my earlier point. My financial safety net isn't reliant on a lottery win. As I mentioned, I already have all bases covered with enough money to buy a property outright if we ever divorced. Even after 10 years out of the workforce, that puts me in a stronger, safer position than most.
I think it's fantastic that you are future proofing your nursing career that makes total sense for your family But financial safety looks different for everyone. We are both future proofed, just in completely different ways. I’m not arguing this post simply replying to comments.

Jointly owned mortgaged property and 3-6 months savings is peanuts in the scheme of things. Women aged 40+ who have been out of the job market for many years are virtually unemployable. To be financially secure you need assets and investments that generate a modest living wage annually, in addition to the funds needed to buy outright a family sized property in the area your children currently live. Say £40K/yr. You'd need around £1mill+ ringfenced in your own name for that kind of income.

Of course, some SAHMs have that, but lets be honest, it's the exception, not the rule.

Yeah, my sister got enough money in the divorce settlement to buy a mortgage, free property.

Life is still rubbish. She is asset rich, but cash, poor and virtually unemployable at her age, over forty, with not having worked since her early thirties.

I think so.Many women overestimate.Just how okay there'd be.

Wouldn't be a life I would ever choose for myself enough money to have a house, but no money to spend and no employment prospects for the rest of my life, at a relatively young age.

I find comments like this really unnecessary. You’re purposely trying to be disparaging and degrading to women who are at home with their children.
If “wiping bums” of your own children is so beneath you why is it okay to farm such intimate care out to people earning minimum wage?

I just value my rewarding, mentally stimulating career. I don't fancy swapping it to be an unpaid domestic skivvy.

Aren't you answering your own question there?