Are attitudes to SAHM mothers on here overly negative?

[Anonfortoday2]

I’ve been reading through the replies to my recent post about being a SAHM, and I’m honestly just a bit saddened by how negative people are about it.
So many of the responses were filled with really extreme, worst case what if scenarios. Things like what if he leaves you, what if he financially abuses you, or what if the worst happens and you are left with nothing?
It feels a bit exhausting to look at life that way. Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but you can’t live your life constantly planning for absolute disaster.
It's often made out like SAHMs don't have a brain cell between them, but so many of us are actually completely financially safe. Lots of couples have the property in both names, and arrange private pensions and savings accounts in the mum's own name so she is fully protected.
If anything, some SAHM setups are much more financially secure than a two-income family. So many working couples have a massive mortgage that they absolutely could not afford if they separated, meaning they'd have to sell up anyway. In real life, I actually know more working couples who stay in terrible marriages simply because they can’t afford to live in the same area on their own.
People on here only ever focus on money, but they completely ignore how much value it brings to the household. My husband deeply appreciates me being at home because it removes a massive amount of stress from his life too. We don't have the constant headache of covering sick days, school holidays, or rushing around at bedtime. It makes the whole house run smoother.
Outside the Mumsnet echo chamber, so many families are completely happy with this setup. Being a SAHM was the norm for generations, and it still works beautifully for millions of couples today. For most of us, marriage is a genuine partnership built on mutual love, shared goals, and deep trust. It’s not a business transaction where you are always preparing for a divorce.
I just find it a shame that it’s so hard for people on here to accept that some men really love and support their wives, and that this lifestyle can be a lovely, successful choice for a family.
Am I the only one who thinks the endless worry and negativity about SAHMs on here is a bit disconnected from everyday reality?

What you fail to acknowledge is that you're in a pretty privileged position. Your husband earns enough to cover all the day to day running of your household and family, without the need for you to work outside the home. Many many couples cannot afford to do this so it's not really a free choice for many women is it?
Had I not worked when my children were small, we would never have got a mortgage, renting was out of the question as rents were more expensive than a mortgage, we'd have been in massive debt just to keep the lights on and everyone fed. And we both had 'good' career jobs, unfortunately not well paid.

Goes both ways though there were definitely days where I was with my kids and I was wishing I was in an office working instead of having to play shop for the 50th day in a row. I was very happy most of the time but something about play shops drove me mad. 😂

That’s a bit of a chicken and egg argument, though - the percentage of women in the workplace is one of the metrics they use to assess ‘progressiveness’, so of course Scandinavian countries are going to rank highly. Whether having both parents working full-time and children in institutional care all day is truly progressive is a different question. ‘Percentage of 1-year-olds in full-time childcare’ is another measure of progressiveness in at least one Scandinavian country, which has always struck me as a rather sad metric, and not something I think we should really be aspiring to.

As I said, if it makes someone happy then it makes someone happy and they should do what they want to do. Of course they should have that choice.

I'm not sure why it needs my support though.

Good Grief. You literally quoted me and aimed your response directly at me.

Seriously. Don't. Make. Ridiculous. Assertations. If. You. Don't. Want.To. Be. Held. Accountable. For. Them

Women with successful careers, financial freedom, happily parenting their children alongside their partners are not genererally jealous of SAHMs. If we wanted to give up our careers and finacial independence to become a housekeeper/domestic skivvy we could, but we don't choose to.

Aren't you doing the same by constantly referring to 'frantic rushes' and 'exhaustion' like no woman who works full time is happy?

I work full time and my life isn't a frantic rush. I'm also not exhausted.

That's not the only option though. You can have two working parents who both work part-time if you don't want your kids to go to nursery/school/ASC and take equal responsibility of the care of their children. That's progressive. Having the woman (in 99% of cases) not work so that the husband doesn't have to deal with the kids is not progressive.

Exactly!

Two adults working and sharing the mental/parenting load really isn't hard! If you have a partner that won't pull his weight, that's the problem, not your career!

And of course, extra money can help with buying in cleaners, gardeners, laundry services etc if necessary.

I agree op mumsnet hate them, I think it's jealously personally. I am not one my self I work PT. If a husband earns lots of money and no one is claiming benefits and the wife wants to stay at home with the kids I think good for them. I wouldn't worry about other people's opinions op, you are happy that's all that matters.

@Anonfortoday2there is no projection in my post at all. You’re saying it’s not letting your partner “off the hook” or picking up the slack. I am saying my friend probably views it the same way as you do. I view it differently: if I were in either of your shoes, I’d feel like it was heavy, boring, thankless drudge work that the vast majority of men don’t want to do - because they think it’s boring, exhausting drudgery.

Women doing it for them and letting them off the hook (regardless of how the women or the men view view it) makes it harder for those women who don’t want to do that drudge work as it protects the status quo and means men the world over (even if their wife also works outside the home) subconsciously think “kids are women’s work”.

Your husband’s a hands on dad when he’s home? So what?! That’s parenting. You’re still picking up the majority of the drudge work with the kids during the days and that makes his life a lot easier.

I have a relative who is still a sahm and her youngest is now 8…her house is a kip and her husband is still running around after work to bring the kids here there and everywhere. I think it’s fucking ridiculous tbh…she doesn’t even walk the dog they have. Lazy personified…and then she actually has the audacity to judge me for working and feel sorry for my kids that I’m not home and they go to afterschool …yes she has said that.

I’ve already stated that my husband is an amazing, hands on dad, so he shares the load completely when he is finished with work.
I’m genuinely glad Option C works so well for you, but why can’t you accept that Option B can be a positive choice too? For our family, me being at home isn’t about letting a man off the hook or failing to expect enough from him. It’s a deliberate decision that gives our entire household loads of free time and completely removes the daily stress of juggling two jobs.
True choice means acknowledging that different setups work for different families, without writing off or judging the women who genuinely prefer a different path to yours. If Option C works for you, that’s brilliant just as our setup works beautifully for us.

OMG trust me: it’s definitely not jealousy.

It sounds like you have a valid reason to be annoyed with your specific relative, but she doesn't represent every SAHM out there. Just like I wouldn't judge all working mums based on one bad experience, it’s a bit unfair to write off an entire lifestyle just because of one lazy person you know.

All of this.

It’s not about scorn or judgement of individual women or families.

I mean, as per the OP’s arguments - sure, if I had my own private wealth & a bunch of properties and pensions in my own name, I might choose not to do paid work either, regardless of whether or not I had children! That would be a choice I made, informed by my financial situation and overall security.

The concern is not so much for rich mums with plenty of options and sound legal and financial advice, but for mothers who don’t have a buffer (including, in many cases, the legal protections of marriage).

It’s about how women can so easily be fenced in by abusive men & a deeply patriarchal state that doesn’t enforce an absent father’s payment of child support, and is happy to rely on women to spend their lives doing unpaid domestic and care work for children and elders (not to mention able-bodied men in their prime), very often at the expense of their own life options and autonomy.

You can buy your way out of this situation / ringfence assets if you have money of your own at the outset - but if you don’t, you really are just living at the mercy of a man, and a state that doesn’t give a shit about you or your DC.

Is it a soft and fluffy romantic way of looking at things? No. But I see so many of my friends financially trapped in absolutely awful marriages or living in poverty with DC after the man who was so keen to be the big strong ‘provider’ got bored and traded her in for a younger model.

It is silly to pretend this sort of thing only happens to other people.

I mean I broadly agree with you OP , in that if everyone is happy with the situation and went into it with their eyes wide open crack on. Important to check in with the earner every now and again though, as I have come across some breadwinners getting a bit cheesed off that their kids have been at school for many a year and mum is still refusing to earn any money and they can't step off the gears at all or retire.
I'm not so happy with this language though:
"If anything, the massive pressure on women
today is to do it all work full time, raise a family, and run a house perfectly while being completely exhausted. Choosing to step away from that frantic rush isn't brainwashing it's a deliberate choice to have a calmer, stress free life."
You seem to be feeling sorry for mums with jobs? I hope you realise some of us work because it's genuinely fulfilling to us and certainly I don't need any sympathy. Yes it's busy but I wouldn't have it any other way. I couldn't be a SAHM for any length of time, but each to their own.

This is going to sound ruder than intentioned - but I don't care how you as an individual live your life. Presumably my taxes don't fund you, I don't know you, so it doesn't matter. You're happy, great.

On a wider, population level I do care though. Women step out of the workplace because the alternative feels too: busy/ exhausting/stressful/ much like juggling. Men, on the whole, do not opt of earning money. Presumably that's because they are somehow exempt from feeling stressed and harried - why is that? Why don't husbands post online about how happy they are to devote themselves to house and home? Why is it always women?

You don't need to answer - I get that you've created a life you like and that's truly wonderful. I just wonder why it's primarily women who come out of work, and suspect that it's probably not great on the whole.

I just don’t get this, I love my daughter very much, but we shared child care fifty fifty, had a cleaner and shared household chores 50 50.

No one was running around like a headless chicken, it wasn’t my job simply by being female to manage the house, nor do I live in downtown abbey, where managing the house is some major activity, it’s no more onerous managing the house pre children as post children. We had great child care.

genuinely my husband is a high earner, I could have stayed home, but no part of me wish to do that, no more than he did. We both valued our careers, the time we spent with our daughter was quality, we shared everything, from cooking to ironing to shopping. My daughter was well socialised and had the best of both worlds, and now as a young adult she has a mother with a successful career, and she had parents who were able to give her all the perks, from a private education to travelling the world.

I don’t really understand this mindset of you need to spend all your time with your kid, and run around like a headless chicken like managing your own house is some full time onerous job. It’s not. Not for most people.

You literally just admitted you are looking at my life through the lens of what you would find boring and exhausting. That is the definition of projection.
I don’t view looking after my own home and children as thankless drudge work and my husband doesn’t see his job as a way to escape our family either. We both work hard in different ways during the day so that we can have an amazing, low stress family life when the workday is over.
As for the status quo my personal life choices are not a political statement or a disservice to other women. True feminism and equality mean women having the freedom to choose the path that makes them and their families happiest. It's a shame you can't accept that some women genuinely love this lifestyle without claiming they are setting back the global workforce.

Yes, 100%. Way too much fear-mongering for starters.

I didn't say that no working woman is happy. I said that doing it all is a massive source of pressure and exhaustion for a lot of women today, which is why stepping away from that rush is a valid, positive alternative.
I’m genuinely glad your life isn’t a frantic rush and that full time work suits you perfectly. That’s brilliant.
My point is simply that different setups work for different families. It’s just a shame that while I can respect your choice to work full time without claiming it's detrimental to your family, it seems impossible for some people on here to afford SAHMs that same basic respect.

I completely agree with you that it is a privileged position, and I have never claimed otherwise. I am fully aware of how lucky we are that my husband earns enough to give us this option, and that skyrocketing childcare and housing costs mean many families simply don't have a choice.
But my thread wasn't about the economic barriers facing families who want to do this but can't. It was a response to the posters who claim that staying at home is a lazy choice, delusional, or detrimental to society.
Acknowledging that a lifestyle is a privilege doesn't mean it should be written off as a bad or wrong decision.

I don't think anyone is saying you shouldn't do what you want. Just pointing out that for the majority of women, unless they are financially independently wealthy with their own income stream, that they are putting themselves in a very insecure financial situation. No one gets married thinking their husband is going to screw them over, but it happens time and time again, and women are almost always the losers.

I hear what you’re saying, but there's a big difference between pointing out risks and assuming every SAHM is completely helpless.
Every single path in life comes with massive uncertainties. A woman could work full time her entire life, only to face redundancy in her 50s, or suddenly become disabled and lose her career overnight. You simply cannot live your life in a state of constant paralysis over every hypothetical tragedy.
It is also constantly made out on here that once you become a SAHM, you can never get a job again .In reality, so many women use that time to study, retain in case they choose to work in the future or have to.

True feminism, and any form of feminism is socio, economic and political equality. It is not freedom to chose doing the house work and living off your husbands earnings. It simply isn’t and pretending it is doesn’t make it so. No choice you’re making is or gives equality and as such is not feminist. Women have always had the choice to stay home, in fact last century it was mandated.

but you like it, you wish it, so crack on with it, you don’t need other women to validate your life choices. You’re happy, you’re fullfilled, that’s fab, we all love that for you. We defend the right to choose, for you to live your life as you please.

most others do not find it fullfilling, or feminist. they see no angle of this, no matter how much you twist it, that gives you socio economic or political equality.

So stop defending it, you don’t need to defend it, no one cares. You have started at least two threads now trying to argue with people, you won’t change anyone’s mind, they will always view it as they do.

so make the dinner, do the hoovering, do the laundry, bathe the kids, whatever it is you enjoy, spend some of your husbands earnings, and be happy. As that’s all that matters, you are happy as you do it, that your husband is happy as he doesn’t need to do that stuff. That he can get into the workplace and compete with the working woman.

but accept others don’t want to do what you do, they want to earn and spend their own money, they want equality, and they don’t want to be the one who stays home doing the laundry and the hoovering, no more than your husband does,