Are attitudes to SAHM mothers on here overly negative?

[Anonfortoday2]

I’ve been reading through the replies to my recent post about being a SAHM, and I’m honestly just a bit saddened by how negative people are about it.
So many of the responses were filled with really extreme, worst case what if scenarios. Things like what if he leaves you, what if he financially abuses you, or what if the worst happens and you are left with nothing?
It feels a bit exhausting to look at life that way. Of course, nobody knows what the future holds, but you can’t live your life constantly planning for absolute disaster.
It's often made out like SAHMs don't have a brain cell between them, but so many of us are actually completely financially safe. Lots of couples have the property in both names, and arrange private pensions and savings accounts in the mum's own name so she is fully protected.
If anything, some SAHM setups are much more financially secure than a two-income family. So many working couples have a massive mortgage that they absolutely could not afford if they separated, meaning they'd have to sell up anyway. In real life, I actually know more working couples who stay in terrible marriages simply because they can’t afford to live in the same area on their own.
People on here only ever focus on money, but they completely ignore how much value it brings to the household. My husband deeply appreciates me being at home because it removes a massive amount of stress from his life too. We don't have the constant headache of covering sick days, school holidays, or rushing around at bedtime. It makes the whole house run smoother.
Outside the Mumsnet echo chamber, so many families are completely happy with this setup. Being a SAHM was the norm for generations, and it still works beautifully for millions of couples today. For most of us, marriage is a genuine partnership built on mutual love, shared goals, and deep trust. It’s not a business transaction where you are always preparing for a divorce.
I just find it a shame that it’s so hard for people on here to accept that some men really love and support their wives, and that this lifestyle can be a lovely, successful choice for a family.
Am I the only one who thinks the endless worry and negativity about SAHMs on here is a bit disconnected from everyday reality?

Because some people partnered with those who they knew wouldn't be able to do these tasks half of the time. Either because they have a career that sustains the family's lifestyle but doesn't fit around such tasks or because they are the type of person who won't for ideological reasons.

Either way, it will necessitate one parent performing this task when an alternative option is just that one person is based at home. Typically the person with less earning potential and a greater desire to be there.

Ahh ok, you said 'you' rather than 'we' so I thought it was possible you may have one of these completely hands off husbands we often read about on MN.

You know the type whose job is far too big and important to do any parenting or pick up any responsibility for his kids.

We have a similar attitude

I do work but my work is overall optional and intentionally flexible. It's my husband's job to make the money we need to live. Mine comes in handy but if home and family life calls, then I'd stop working straightaway. It's never really happened though apart from the odd day here and there.

A lot of peace comes from having clearly defined roles that you both adhere to.

If you have no personal earning capacity or independent income, unless you have literally multiple millions in savings and pensions, you are not financially secure. You are relying on someone else for your financial security. The job market is grim. People with current relevent work experience are struggling to get jobs. In this climate, taking an extended period out of the workforce is in most cases career suicide, and leaves you extremely vulnerable financially.

Do remember that you get one side of that perspective. Men who think that way don't often conceal these beliefs until the time comes. They make it clear way beforehand that they won't be "one of those dads".

This feels like a lot of projection about your friend's life and marriage.
For us, it isn't about picking up the slack or letting my partner off the hook. He is an amazing, hands on dad when he is finished with work. By me being home,
It actually means we have loads of free time. Once my husband finishes work, everything at home is already done, so we both get to enjoy our evenings and weekends together without being completely shattered. It makes our entire family life calmer and happier.

Yes and then often go on to have more than one child with their wife.

Because it's quite a lazy choice by the time the kids are at school and a terrible example to set if you have a daughter.

I think, at an individual level, everyone does what suits their individual circumstances best, and that's grand, have at at it

It isn't unreasonable though, to think about why, at a more general level, certain choices are being made overwhelmingly by women, and a lot (not all) of those women putting themselves in a financially vulnerable position to do so. And the less this is questioned, then the more people feel like its the default choice, and why wouldn't they do it.

So yeah, do what you want, everyone has that freedom. But understand that questionning those choices has value too

If you had nothing to start with, nobody else to turn to, and you know you've partnered with someone who would see you and their kids in poverty.

I was a SAHM for years, it made life easier.
If I had my time again I wouldn’t do it.

I don't see a negative attitude to SAHM but I do think many women on here have been burned and so want others to be cautious.

Lots of women want to be SAHM, and the joy of being able to do so could cloud their judgement.

And I guess lots want to but recognise their partner cannot be relied upon and so grudgingly stay in work and project that onto others.

Life isn’t an endurance test where you only win points for being constantly stressed and exhausted.
As for my daughter, I'm teaching her that true empowerment is having the choice to live the life that actually suits you. Isn’t that the exact definition of feminism? She sees a happy, stress free home built on a great partnership and that's a brilliant example to set.

How many women would actually want to be the breadwinner knowing the parent at home the most ultimately gets the most say over parenting decisions? The big decisions and the small ones.

For example, if you aren't preparing and feeding your child lunch every day, you have much less say over what they have for lunch.

Or imagine if a guy wrote in and said he wants his SAHP wife to do this range of activities with their toddler during the day while he is at work but she is reluctant and saying she doesn't want to do those things. It would be the same for a mum who wanted her husband to take the toddler to play sessions but he preferred doing other things that were perhaps less social.

A lot of mothers would not want to lose that control. I do think we are wired to not want to as mothers to a large degree.

I think a lot of people on here quite rightly think about what will happen to the woman if she's suddenly single.

Obviously she will get money in a divorce but she needs a career to support herself.

If you duck out of work for decades to enable your husband's progression you could be permanently fucked work wise if you split. In terms of earning potential or seniority. And some people lose confidence after so long out of the workforce.

I think that's the main motivation for people being less than fully positive about it.

Only women can become pregnant and give birth. Women who want children often face unique biological, physical, and professional trade-offs.

You said kids whay keep on having them after the first if life is bad

I dont care who is a sahm but dont complain afterwards you have money issues, can''t get a job, no pension, relationship breaks down and you can't cope and endless others complaints

Each adult should stand on their own 2 feet

It really isnt.

I said what I said because I don't think everyone lives with the same degree of mistrust in their partner/co-parent.

Is it to aid his progression or to raise your kids?

I think you are more aware of negativity that relates to your own situation. There is plenty of negativity on here, and in the real world, regarding mothers who work outside of the home too but if you aren't one, you won't notice it as much. It's the same with lots of things - how you give birth, how you feed your baby etc, there is always someone who will criticise and it is human nature to be more sensitive to negative comments that relate to your own choices than those that don't.
I think it is the same sort of phenomenon as when you buy a new car suddenly you start seeing the same model everywhere. Of course there hasn't suddenly been a massive increase in those cars, but before you had one they were of no interest to you so you just didn't notice them. Now you have one, you start to spot them.
You've made a parenting choice and it is something important to you so negative comments become more obvious and naturally they hurt. But if you'd made a different choice you'd become sensitised to criticism about that too. In reality every parenting choice has pros and cons and there is very little in life that is absolutely black and white. Different things work better for different people. If we are happy with our own choices it is better just to get on with life confidently in my experience as there's never going to be agreement from everyone.

Oh of course it's both. I'm not anti SAHM btw.

If you are independently wealthy/have an independent income source, then fine. Otherwise my point stands. You have zero financially security and are reliant on someone else to support you. Someone who could choose to withdraw that support at any time for any reason.

There are some SAHM who are independently wealthy -fine.
There are some SAHM who genuinely have no choice through either their own or their child's disability - not fine, but what else they can do?
Every other SAHM is gambling their financial security on their partner being able and willing to support them. It's a very risky choice and seems rather foolish to me.

Generous parental leave and great childcare, yes. Men and women are on leave when their kids are babies and later on when they are sick and have to stay home from childcare/school. The point is that it is both parent's resposibility, not just the woman's. That's why it's progressive. It creates a more equal (although not yet completely equal) playing field. I think that the whole trad wife thing is working against women's progression and I don't think it's good for children to grow up thinking it's a woman's job to look after the husband, children and house. If you don't want to use childcare it would be far better for both parents to work part-time, both from the example you set to your kids and for both parent's financial security.

I ask because I do think that sometimes people change the narrative in hindsight. I've seen it with people I know. Friends who I know left their jobs to raise their kids and always wanted that. Now, they do speak of it as a sacrifice they made for a now ex-partner/co-parent. One friend I'm thinking of I remember specifically quit her job the day she picked up her baby from nursery and they had a dirty nappy. She was so upset at the idea it could have been like that for hours that she never took her back.