Gran Name Drama

[GrannyNameDrama]

AIBU to not want my mum to use a granny-name that I really don’t like? I’m 12 weeks pregnant with first baby. This will be my mum’s first grandchild. I assumed she would want to be known as granny or nanny - both very common where I live. She announced on Saturday, “I’ve decided I’ll be X (granny-name). It is not a common way to refer to a granny here and I really don’t like it.
She isn’t used to me telling her no very often. When I told her I didn’t want her to be called X she got very cross & tried to manipulate & guilt-trip me into getting her own way, including bringing up my dad who has passed away, saying he would have wanted to be called the male equivalent of the uncommon granny-name. But I know he wouldn’t, because I spoke to him about it on his deathbed. I feel so guilty he never got to meet his grandchild and I’ve been struggling with that throughout my pregnancy.
It got very heated and I left her house in tears. She hasn’t spoken to me since then and I have my 12 week scan tomorrow. I am wondering am I making a mountain out of a molehill or should I stand my ground considering how much she upset me. Is it common for grandparents to decide how they’ll be referred as or do the parents normally decide that?

YABU she can choose
YANBU you should be happy with the name your child calls her

I agree with this with @BudgetBuster

I'm Irish and grew up in the West of Ireland.

There's a huge amount of grandmothers using Mamó. It's very common where I grew up and never caused confusion for any child I've ever know.

It's a term of affection and very widely used in the North West, West and Munster.

Because she’s still my mum and I love her and she loves me. She will adore this baby. I genuinely think she is quite emotionally immature and doesn’t realise the weight her words carry. Unless you’ve had an emotionally immature parent it’s hard to explain that relationship. In many ways I feel like her parent. She leans on me a lot

Ok well in Northern Ireland it isn’t commonly used at all. As I said I only ever knew one person who called their grandparents it and I went to Catholic school my whole life, so was surrounded by the half of the community here who would have Irish. Nanny and granny are by far the most common here

My Irish cousins used to call my grandma Mamo and it honestly took me years to work out they weren't saying Mammy. That might have been just me though. As we were from and lived in England we didn't use that term and had never heard it.
I mean usually grandparents get to choose what they're known as but in this case I'd say no. Hopefully your mum will reach out to you after your scan and you can resolve the issue.
Just wondering though what is the male equivalent? My grandfather was just known as grandad by all the kids.

Tbf neither of you might not have a choice, my MIL said she wanted to be called Granny but my son always called her grandma and the rest of the kids just followed suit. No one told him, he picked it himself when he could speak.

But name aside... why do you th8nk your mother hasn't got the right to decide what she will be called?

If she chose a more common title would you be OK?

Dadó I think. And for what it’s worth, if my dad was still alive and had wanted to be called this, I also wouldn’t have wanted it either as it would be too close to Dada / Dad and I wouldn’t want that for my husband

I think your concerns about the similarity to Mama are totally valid and it’s annoying she’s insisting on this but I do think grandparents mostly get to decide what they want to be called - and actually, when the baby’s here and starts speaking they often find their own name! My daughter insists on calling her Grandad Dad-Dad, she always has - probably a mishearing to start with but she still absolutely insists on it despite us referring to him as Grandad just as often - she’s now 2.5 and speaking fluently, it’s just her name for him. So this may all take its own path. I think it is annoying for you but also you may be a tiny bit overreacting due to pregnancy anxiety and emotions which is totally understandable! I’d probably take a deep breath and let it go, even though you’re not wrong.

The late Queen was called ‘Gary’for years by her grandchildren after William started sayimg it when he couldn’t pronounce granny.
She took it in her stride.
I think it’s lovely she’s so involved and excited.
Why shouldn’t she choose her own name fgs!
Your child is not going to confuse you, mummy with its grandmother no matter what they call her. My German brother called his grandmother ‘mutti’ which is mummy/mum because everybody else did. He never called her ‘Oma’. She was always mutti -but he knew she wasn’t his mum!

Dont spoil this for your mum. She’s lost her husband, you’ve given her something to look forward to and the love and bond between a grandmother nd grandchild can be one of the most joyous loves a child can experience.
Let her be Mamo -with your blessing. I think it’s beautiful.

Yes - it is just this one particular name I don’t like as it’s too close to mama. As long as it wasn’t something else along those mam/mum lines, I wouldn’t care at all what she chose

My mother insists on being called 'glam-ma'! I just don't indulge her. She refers to herself as that but anyone else refers to her as grandma.

I thought you were unreasonable until you said the name
I think a grandparent has the right to decide what they want to be called...but not when it comes to something so close to mama/mum/mummy.
The fact she also then chose to be hurtful when you said you didnt like it, is a red flag for how she is going to behave going forward. I'd step back for a while

I think you’re being extremely petty and unreasonable if it’s purely about the name. However it sounds like it’s not purely about the name, it’s about her attitude in general.

My late mum announced that on hearing my sons chosen name she would call him the "-y " version. I bristled and made a face. So typical of her to just do the opposite of what I wanted. She picked "gran" mil picked "nanny" . In the end she became granma. Couldnt tell you why

I was most annoyed about -y of my first sons name - guess what the entire family including mil uses it now as a sort of pet name. We use the birth certificate one when we are serious if you get what i mean .

I decided to call my self "Mama" in a sort of european sophisticated way - think the kids used up to about 2 . Nowadays 17 years later I'm " muum - bruuh -or uugh"

The names evolve - the kids decide in the end and suddenly something sticks you didn't expect. Kindly - its your hormones - at least she is not suggesting names for the baby ! Some of my mum's were absolute corkers bearing in mind she was born in the early 1930's and had me in her 40s. Nod and smile and don't tell any one your shortlist for the baby

It'll come down to whatever the children call her when they start talking, realistically. My grandmothers were Grandma and Oma respectively (I'm half German, so Oma was natural). I followed my elder maternal cousin's lead where Oma was concerned. But my Grandma was Granny to my paternal cousins. Dad always called her Mum, even to me, as far as I know, so I didn't pick it up from him! I just called her Grandma, because that's what she was. If you really don't like Mamo, just keep calling your Mum Mum (or whatever you call her) even in front of the kids and let them decide when they get older!

It's such an annoying trend, my mum and mil both chose weird names. One is granny in another language none of us are remotely connected to, the other chose something that means Mum in her language. Just why. I would love to be a gran, grandma or nan!

If the baby calls her a different name than what is chosen, I won’t correct it and will let that bond develop of course. The same thing happened with my sister who couldn’t pronounce my uncle’s name. Her mispronunciation became a beloved nickname for him which stuck for years.

If it gives more context she said this in a moment where I already felt she’d overstepped slightly. She’d been clearing out her cupboards and had found a cake stand and was saying she was keeping it for baby’s first birthday party - at her house! I laughed and said I think their first birthday party will be at our house, and she dismissed that by saying, “Sure, but we’ll have another party at Mamó’s house - I’ve decided I’m going to be called Mamó”. So from the very minute it was mentioned I was annoyed at her overstepping. Is it normal for grandparents to also throw additional birthday parties? Mine never did. I am happy she is excited but she can also be a bulldozer personality so I want to try to assert myself as much as possible going forward

I'm Northern Irish too, I haven't heard of the term, we're not Irish speakers but gently, I think you're being harsh on your mum. It sounds nice that she wants to be called it, it's still got a connection to your culture/heritage despite you both not being fluent Irish speakers. I cannot see the harm in her being called this, it is different to mama. On that note, I've never heard of people in Northern Ireland call their mums mama. Not saying it doesn't happen, but I never heard of it, we've always been "Mum/Mummy".

I think perhaps you're overreacting/being oversensitive about this. It's nice for her to be referred to as something she loves and it really doesn't sound like mama.

Personally i think its the childs choice when they are old enough! My fils gf tries to force us to use a certain name but we just call her what we always call her and if little one decides to use that later down the line they can but the words are never coming out of my mouth

It would annoy me if a parent decided on. Some twee or unusual name that they thought made them look interesting. It’s a bit fake. God knows why she was willing to fight over it (grandma here!)

I wanted my mum to be Granny, but she introduced herself as Nanna. So that was that! I didn’t like it, but it was her choice not mine.

In general, my opinion is almost always "oh just let them decide what to introduce themselves as, child will decide what they actually call them" but honestly your mum sounds awful and in any way you can start standing up for yourself and demanding her respect NOW (aka before baby is here) the better... so practice with this! She's going to have a lot more opinions down the line that you need to learn to ignore ignore ignore....

My kids chose what they call their grandparents. We used standard nana/grandad before they could speak and they still chose their own names!!

as my grandparents are still alive they have 3 sets of grandparents they have 3 sets of names, also my eldest and youngest call them different names xx

She's excited - honestly if you have a second - noone including yourself carries on like this . My mother was exactly the same . My mil was to some extent . Nonsense like when they come to the hospital whilst I'm giving birth, they must buy the pram but it has to be a classic one, breastfeeding over bottle feeding ( all these opinion raised their head between the two grans - its so common although its so hard to appreciate this right now
When the second baby comes along - its not as intense somehow for everyone and they calm right down to the point of often being completely disinterested! Nod and smile.

If it helps we called one set of GP Grandma/Gramps w the hairy chin and another set Grandma/Gramps near the flyover - I’ve changed the facial feature/landmark a bit. You may find your child’s gives them a name in the future and this issue goes away