Gran Name Drama

[GrannyNameDrama]

AIBU to not want my mum to use a granny-name that I really don’t like? I’m 12 weeks pregnant with first baby. This will be my mum’s first grandchild. I assumed she would want to be known as granny or nanny - both very common where I live. She announced on Saturday, “I’ve decided I’ll be X (granny-name). It is not a common way to refer to a granny here and I really don’t like it.
She isn’t used to me telling her no very often. When I told her I didn’t want her to be called X she got very cross & tried to manipulate & guilt-trip me into getting her own way, including bringing up my dad who has passed away, saying he would have wanted to be called the male equivalent of the uncommon granny-name. But I know he wouldn’t, because I spoke to him about it on his deathbed. I feel so guilty he never got to meet his grandchild and I’ve been struggling with that throughout my pregnancy.
It got very heated and I left her house in tears. She hasn’t spoken to me since then and I have my 12 week scan tomorrow. I am wondering am I making a mountain out of a molehill or should I stand my ground considering how much she upset me. Is it common for grandparents to decide how they’ll be referred as or do the parents normally decide that?

YABU she can choose
YANBU you should be happy with the name your child calls her

I used a pronunciation tool to learn how to say mamo (sorry, cannot do the fada/accent mark over the o). That accent indicates a long sound, so it seems it should be pronounced, mam-owe.

My mother in law is mémé (this is normal for where she's from). If it's any help none of my children got confused between mémé and mama. Of course, I'm not saying you have to accept it. But I thought you might appreciate an extra data point.

In my experience kids call their grandparents whatever they want. Gangan, nanna, granny, moomoo - I’ve heard all these and none of the kids were told to call them that.

Just another thought, OP.
In your responses you often refer to the norm, common/uncommon. For example: Once the baby is old enough we will be mummy and daddy, as that is the norm here.
You don't have to do the normal thing. Are you overly concerned about other people's impressions of you? Having a unique name, not necessarily mamo, is fine. It doesn't have to be one that appears on greeting cards. Personally, I hate those Happy Birthday Dad, Merry Christmas Daughter cards, so cliched.

Not weird if you're an Italian grandma

we had a similar situation in that MIL said she wanted to be called Grandmama and both DH and I grew up calling ours “Granny” so it just never rolled off the tongue for us - we would say to the baby/toddler that we are going to visit Granny and Grandad and that’s what the kids called her but she signs all her bday cards to the kids Grandmama and when the kids got older they would call her Grandma to her face which she seemed to like but at home if we were discussing going over to see them,it would be Granny /Grandad. Will your dad use the Mamo? As you might find it doesn’t stick unless everyone in the family uses the new terminology!

It’s more like mom-owe.

I’m in Canada and don’t know any granny that is called mom- whatever their name by their GC. Your MIL tried though 🤣

Please let the children's first party thing go! Of course it will be held at your house, but if she wants to have a second little celebration and make a cake too, how is that any skin off your nose?

It really does sound as though you are being very PFB about this baby before it's even born. Yes, she may be a bit of a pain in the backside, but at the end of the day she's just excited about her grandchild.

You and your husband hold all the cards here, so there is no need for all these power struggles before the child is even born. He or she will be very lucky to have so many people that adore them. You will get to make all the decisions about their lives, so try to let the little things go. You will be happy after the baby is born to have so many people around them who love them and are willing to help you out.

I speak from experience here and really wish I had just relaxed and let my children's grandparents enjoy the excitement without feeling internally as though everything was a power struggle. Luckily, it never exploded, but there were times when it could have done. They're gone now, and I would feel very sad if I had to look back on unnecessarily tainted memories.

Control freakery at its most batshit.

YABvU.
Grandparents get to choose what they are called, just as parents get to choose what they are called.

Will your dad use the Mamo?

A great example of why people should read an OP properly before posting a reply.

It’s normal for grandparents to choose but parents to have right of veto if they go for something too parenty for their liking, say “Papa” or “Mama” - which seems to be a bit of a thing with a tiny minority of overbearing expectant grandparents.

I think if she’s gone for a normal grandma name you should try to get used to it.

Sing it Elsa. If she had of insisted on Shittyma or Grandma fuckface, I’d agree you have a point but it’s a non event. When I’m a grandparent, I’ll not be called granny/nanna, I’ll go for something different but non offensive obviously. I believe Goldie Horn uses GoGo so I’ll search around for something in a similar fashion that suits myself.

You don't get too choose, it's up to her so.you need to just let it go.

You don’t get to choose her name, no.

I think she gets to call herself whatever she likes most.

She and the baby will enjoy being emotionally immature together.

@GrannyNameDrama I understand it’s all a bit fraught and emotionally charged particularly when your mother sounds quite hard work. But i don’t think this is as big a deal as it feels to you. I grew up calling my mother Mami and my grandmother Mam and we could always tell the difference…but also, that is not the name anyone chose for my grandmother, it just happened naturally and is what stuck. This could well be the case for you. I have a friend who called her grandparents Mam and Dad (her parents were mammy and daddy) and another who called her grandparents Mamo and Dado. and it was fine, there was no confusion.

I'm interested in the conversation on your father's deathbed

I know a few Mamós, one who doesn't speak irish in everyday conversation but wanted to be called it.
How will it make a difference what she's called?
And no, the child won't mix up mammy/mama and mamó. Mine didnt.

Oh OP, this is horrible to have a big falling out with your mum when you are pregnant. I fell out with my mum in my pregnancy too, over a different issue but very similar feelings involved.

The problem is that now if you give in and let her have her way, the name might remind you of the argument. But I don't really see what else you can do.

My mum also had a silly grandma name she wanted to be called, I said she could be what she wanted (even though I thought it was ridiculous), but I was very glad when she changed her mind to be grandma later on. Your mum might end up changing her mind too.

I wonder if there's a bit of a power dynamic going on. If I'd told my mum she had to be grandma or nan or something more normal, I'm almost certain she would have dug in in return and it would have spiraled.

I think in your shoes I would just say she can be what she wants (but tell her the correct pronunciation at least!) and just try to focus on your baby.

Once the baby is here then s/he will be the focus, you will all just be in love with the baby and probably won't care so much.

Good luck with the scan, too x

My mother is great, but my best friends Mum decided she wanted to be a 'Mamaw' despite having zero connection to the American South, and unsurprisingly it was the start of a whole heap of boundary stomping batshittery.

Having watched the whole drama from the sidelines, my advice would be to hold very firm on your boundaries, OP, and once the baby is born use 'time out' like you would with a toddler.

So just a flat 'no, that's too similar to Mammy, choose another name or you can be grandma'. If she starts referring to herself as Mamó when baby is here: 'I was very clear that Mamó was too close to Mammy. If you say that to baby again, I'll be leaving and you won't see baby for a for a fortnight'. Follow through, next time make it a month, etc etc.

My friend did this after about 18 months of various issues. Her Mum hated it and kicked off at first, but once boundaries were clearly and consistently enforced without any emotion, backed right down surprisingly quickly. It was like she was given energy by the arguments and tears, and once my friend stopped engaging in that way her Mum just folded and is much nicer to be around now. However that only came after my friend decided that she would prefer to go low contact rather than have her Mum manipulating her and her daughter.

Kids say their own thing anyway!

My MIL was called ‘Ma’ by her first grandchild. She expected to be ‘Ma’ again when my first baby was born. I wasn’t too keen (I felt it was similar to ‘mum’).

My little one just started calling her ‘Grandma’ when he learnt to speak without any prompting. Everyone is happy with that.

As for my mum, she wanted to be ‘Granny’. Shes been renamed Gaga - he’s well past being able to say Granny nicely but Gaga seems to have stuck! Everyone calls her Gaga now including my dad!

That is batshit advice @MonaChopsis the OP will look like a loon if she starts objecting to mamó and picking unnecessary fights.

@GrannyNameDrama your baby is not going to get confused about who mama is. Your are going to be the absolute centre of their universe, whatever they call your mother.

No, if anything I very much march to the beat of my own drum and give very little time to worrying about what others might think. I will never know what they think, and chances are they aren’t thinking about me at all, so why worry? Conversely my mum gives that a LOT of headspace. What would the neighbours think is something she has said plenty. When I was getting married she was a nightmare in how things “should” be done & tried to force her own way a lot

If she wanted something like Gigi or Glamma or the other names suggested here I wouldn’t care. I don’t care about being able to find it on a card. I never buy those personalised kinds of cards, just generic ones. But as others have said, names develop from what the baby can say, so I am worried that mamó will become mam or mammy or mam-mam or something to similar to mum for my liking. It’s just that one particular noise I’d like her to stay away from and I don’t think that’s so unreasonable. Why can’t she go by literally anything else? Especially when she had an opinion on what the baby would call me - it seems so hypocritical