Gran Name Drama

[GrannyNameDrama]

AIBU to not want my mum to use a granny-name that I really don’t like? I’m 12 weeks pregnant with first baby. This will be my mum’s first grandchild. I assumed she would want to be known as granny or nanny - both very common where I live. She announced on Saturday, “I’ve decided I’ll be X (granny-name). It is not a common way to refer to a granny here and I really don’t like it.
She isn’t used to me telling her no very often. When I told her I didn’t want her to be called X she got very cross & tried to manipulate & guilt-trip me into getting her own way, including bringing up my dad who has passed away, saying he would have wanted to be called the male equivalent of the uncommon granny-name. But I know he wouldn’t, because I spoke to him about it on his deathbed. I feel so guilty he never got to meet his grandchild and I’ve been struggling with that throughout my pregnancy.
It got very heated and I left her house in tears. She hasn’t spoken to me since then and I have my 12 week scan tomorrow. I am wondering am I making a mountain out of a molehill or should I stand my ground considering how much she upset me. Is it common for grandparents to decide how they’ll be referred as or do the parents normally decide that?

YABU she can choose
YANBU you should be happy with the name your child calls her

I think you need to accept that other people will have their own relationships with your DC. Yes, you can control some of this (and of course you should!) but isn't it a good thing for the other loving adults in your DC's life to want to make strong and individual relationships with your child?

She may have felt other languages would be more useful career-wise?

Just have your kid call you mammy .

Obviously…. Where have I ever said I don’t want her to have a relationship with my baby? That would break my heart. I want my baby to have a close relationship with all of their extended family

I would let her get on with it, and teach your child her name is 'Granny mamó'.

Part of that relationship is being called the name that she prefers.

And part of her relationship with me should be not intentionally upsetting me

What an extreme and uncalled for response to an OP who is obviously feeling anxious at the moment. She hasn't even had her 12-week scan yet but her mother is already stressing her out with her ultimatum about the name she will be called by her grandchild. It's hardly the time and place to make those decisions and give OP an ultimatum when OP is worried about the scan that she is having today.

Her mum seems to have 'main character' energy and is making it all about her.

I don't get it. I really do not. You have a mother who you say continually and intentionally upsets you and has done for a long time. You say that she is manipulative, you feel like you have to parent her and yet you want your baby to have a close relationship with her. In the name of the Wee Man why?????

The OP is stressing herself out.

She's not the boss of everyone and if she's not careful, she'll end up pushing a loving family away over something ridiculous.

I think when speaking to your little one, I’d be referring to her as whatever you want to call her- let’s go and visit grandma etc. If your mum wants to be called something else, let her but I’d just say Grandma. Just because she wants to be called it doesn’t mean you have to call it her yourself.

It’s weird she’s picking a name she’s not got much connection to and requesting she is called it. To be honest, the child will probably just settle on what they prefer anyway.

Are you the OP’s mum?

It’s her name. She should get to chose it.

Pretty silly thing to have a drama over

Hope your scan went well op.

Such critical thinking 🙄

Because 99.99% of the time she is a fantastic mum to me. When she doesn’t get want she wants, which I’ve said isn’t often, yes she can be manipulative by trying to make me feel guilty to get her own way, rather than taking a step back and seeing my point of view. However, I love her more than anything. She is my only remaining parent. She fell apart after my dad died and I took care of her. Our relationship has changed roles because of that tragedy, but that is not a reason to punish her. I actually like and love my mum and want to spend time with her regularly. I am having a rant about this one choice she is pushing instead of listening to me. My life isn’t as black and white as that

if its only this one choice why get so upset? From other things you have said, I understood that she was frequently difficult? this doesn't sound like a fantastic mum
"she just didn’t like that I was standing up for myself and would have shut down any reason I brought up. Like I said, she’s not used to me telling her no or getting her own way. And she can be very manipulative in hurtful ways to try to guilt trip me into getting her own way. "

Because 99.99% of the time she is a fantastic mum to me. When she doesn’t get want she wants, which I’ve said isn’t often, yes she can be manipulative by trying to make me feel guilty to get her own way, rather than taking a step back and seeing my point of view.

Which is exactly what you're doing over this non issue 🤷‍♂️

Yes. On your side too.

So what are you going to do if you disagree with say 5 other MNetters?

Are you going to assume the OP has 5 mothers all posting on this thread?

🤦‍♀️

The best way is let the child decide. I have two grandchildren my eldest decided I was Amah. Still waiting on the younger ones decision. My SIL is yaya. The children will decide themselves. Best way.

Apart from living in the north of Ireland. Pretty strong connections I’d say.

I think this person means “Irish” as in the language rather than Irish in the sense of geography or cultural / national identity.

As a non-Irish person, Mamó sounds really cute to me. Is she wanting to be called Mamó+ her name? Maybe the compromise is Mamó on its own. I come from a culture where there seems to be 100 terms for mum and grandma so it's very much laissez faire.

You could still call her granny to other people, you don't have to use Mamó.