My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

Don’t blame you @applesandoranges11 he’s giving me the ik already and I’ve never met him. I could understand if this practical incompetence were compensated for in other ways (he cleans, tidies and sorts out the insurance) but it looks like he’s a lazy git and you’re the mug.

Have you considered taking the fuse out of the telly?

I feel the same way as you.. I'm 35 and been with my partner for 15 years and we are in the same sort of position, we also don't have intimate moments anymore because of this as I just don't fancy him at all anymore

My DH isn't a manly man (horrid phrase!) by any stretch of the imagination. If any DIY or gardening is to be done it will be done by me. He earns half what I do. However, he is unfailingly kind, supportive, does more than his fair share of laundry and housework, insists on paying 50% of everything, and is a genuinely lovely person.I suspect it's the lack of concern about you carrying more of your share of joint responsibilities that's the primary issue, rather than his crapness at diy.

If you asked him to leave you wouldn't be losing anything really. He sounds like he's given up trying and I wonder if he's starting to feel your resentment. Not a good role model for your teenagers eithet

He sounds like a wetwipe!

1. Stop doing everything for him. Let it fail.
2. Positive reinforcement, make him feel like 'The Man' when he does something good that you like

Meanwhile I trawl the job listing sites and send him ideas of things locally to apply for that would be more interesting and not physically taxing.

OMG Stop!!!! You've become his mommy

He QUIT his job and you have to pay a cleaner?! What on earth! He really needs to step up.

I know what you mean I am dealing with a covert narcissist. So if they do do something they do it wrong on purpose so you won’t ask them again. Also likes to emotionally and financially abuse.
I would not have BBQ’s again just have picnics in garden. So you don’t put up with his behaviour again. If something needs doing to the house does he pay to get an expert in ?

Gosh, that’s not on. Unless the job was making him physically ill with stress, being happy in your job is a blessing not a right when you have dependents. Very selfish of him to leave before having a firm job offer to go to.

Did he have a mum who did everything for him and fussed over him far into adulthood?

Basic housework, especially when you have older children and a cleaner, is not the equivalent of a full time job. So he should be doing all the shopping, cooking, laundry, gardening etc. Why isn’t he?

I think as you’ve never been in a relationship you’ll not realise that you can become unlikeable to your partner if you don’t pull your weight while letting the other one do most of the work. Yes you must like each other in order to have a happy relationship, but liking doesn’t begin and end with sitting on the sofa together laughing at Pets do the Funniest Things. Your likeability gets chipped away if you cause the other person to feel resentful.

Even platonic friendships and happy families require work.

My dad lost his job in his late 50s and struggled to find work again. My mum continued to work. BUT. My dad did all of the tidying around the house (they had a cleaner), packed my mum’s lunch for work, did the bins, did the gardening, did all of the cooking (and the washing up), did all of the shopping, did the laundry and ironing, did any DIY tasks that the house needed (not major projects, but the basic upkeep), and all of the admin (bills, car servicing, etc). They each had an equal job—one went out and earned the money, and the other worked at home as an anchor, enabling the other partner to focus on work. Your DH is not only being very unkind toward you, but is showing your DD through his behaviour that being a cocklodger is okay, and your behaviour is showing your DD that it’s okay to put up with a cocklodger and still do all of the admin yourself when you’ve come home from work.

Oh, and there's me thinking that others on Mumsnet share my dislike of the shortening of the word. I find myself unable to use the abbreviation and have to write 'barbecue'. But there, I'm an unashamed old pedant. 😅

Perhaps a good kick in the pants and a reminder shape up or ship out.

I hate the term 'ick' so immature. (Nothing personal) But besides that its supposed to be a partnership. If he's not good at DIY it's not a crime but he has to realise that he needs to pull his weight. The job situation could be getting him depressed and in a rut causing a vicious cycle. Regardless he needs to be sat down and have him read your post on here. If he knew exactly how you felt maybe he might get his,arse in gear. I would feel terrible to have become such a burden. It's not fair

The big 4 supermarkets are always looking for drivers to do home delivery, I've been with one for 17 years, applications are online

Crikey that's what you pick up on from the OP's Post ? would you be the snitch behind the curtains is that you?🙄

Omg . Big no.
Mine is absolutely useless like big time. Do not do anything at home not even a light bulb. My dad and his dad were man man. Absolutely everything done. But, he makes aaaa lot of money , support us , incredible hard worker, good dad & husband. I do absolutely everything and his part , I just outsource it . But, there's money for it. I will has never stay with a useless man that can't do anything and keep a job!!!

I love the way Mumsnetters obsess at times on one stray detail in a post, ignoring the actual issue at hand. In this instance, the BBQ, your husband's 'big green egg', has become the focal point! You do paint a rather comic scenario of the hapless man wanting the shiny gear to burn meat then unsuccessfully doing battle with it.
It sounds as though you are the competent, reassuring one in the relationship, replicating your own father. As you've no intention of asking your DH to leave, the way forward seems to be more of the same ie your organising his time, making lists, looking for suitable work for him.

He's become accustomed to your competence and knows he can rely on you to get everything done. Whether your being so capable has enabled / emasculated him, who knows?

Perhaps get your teens on board so that every family member is involved in running things. Perhaps your DH and DC can manage all the shopping, cooking, dishwashing, cleaning, laundry between them. That way, you will be able to feel relaxed and appreciated when you return home from work. Perhaps treat yourself more often as well to model how you'd like your family to treat you?

@applesandoranges11

You’re even doing his job hunting for him 🤦‍♀️

He probably is depressed, he quit his job probably because of it.

No wonder you’re pulling your hair out.

Can you suggest therapy? Seems like you’ve tried almost everything else! 😬

Did you reply to the wrong comment? You are talking to me as if I am young, and everything you said had no relevance to my previous comment.

Are you sure he isnt depressed? His apathy could indicate that. Maybe he has lost confidence and that is affecting him when looking (or not looking!) for a job?

I really identify with this

Now exh (note the ex part) swapped roles when he was made redundant.
Only issue was exh thought my role was sitting on the sofa all day watching daytime tv. It was like talking to a brick wall trying to tell him that I didn’t watch tv.
He would then mention programmes and say things like I bet you really want an update now you are missing it each day
Why? Because he thought I watched these programmes

He had no basic knowledge of anything (caught him getting ready to pour petrol down toilet whilst holding a lit cigarette)

If he wasn’t taught it at school he didn’t know it. So because he hadn’t been taught to clean (boarding school from 7 years old) or to not pour petrol down a toilet whilst holding a lit cigarette he didn’t know it was dangerous.