My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

He needs a talking to...
Give him a list of jobs to do each day and take the TV remote to work.

@applesandoranges11 you said he did a good job of painting the house. Could be become a painter and decorator - people are crying out for good tradies. Obviously he’ll have to clean up afterwards, but it wouldn’t take long to get a good name for himself?

Not being able to hold onto a job is one thing but as someone who is utterly useless at DIY I don't think it's completely awful. We can't all be good at practical things.

Would you get the ick because someone couldn't play the clarinet? If not, why get the ick because someone can't eg replace a tyre - that's what garages are for! Different with things that don't require skill like putting the bins out or going to the tip - that is obviously just laziness.

Both my parents are/were super-practical by the way - my dad could do any sort of DIY (whether it was always that well done is another issue but things did always work), I have no idea why their talents didn't transfer to me. But at least I can do a knowledge job and earn decent money.

Now that would do more than give me the ick. It would enrage me. You've been more than patient.

Have you posted about him before as it sounds vaguely similar (sadly).

I'm not worried about my DP doing "manly things", I just feel it is important we complement each other, and that he steps up in areas where I am weak. The barbeque thing sounds like a problem- but barbeques are tricky if he is not very handy he would be better off with a gas barbeque.
He needs to step up and help, and not sulk.

This is poor form op. I hate laziness and lack of ambition.
watching tv in the day while you’re out working long days ??!!! Wtaf

"A relationship really should just be two people who enjoy each other's company and nothing else."

That may be all you expect a relationship to be, but in a successful marriage there is a lot more required than just enjoying each other's company.

Just out of curiosity... what does your DH do when the cleaner comes round?? I would be mortified if someone came round to clean my house and I was just sat on my arse doing nothing! 🙈

I’d try to address the unequal situation you currently have. Make a list of all the jobs (and yes I know you shouldn’t have to but it’s highly unlikely he will) distribute 2/3 to him and let him crack on. Dont monitor, dont intervene, dont chase. His jobs his responsibility.

I did this exact thing months ago (hence the painting getting done). It was also other things like tip runs, gutter cleaning (I normally do the whole house by myself!) etc. He did some of them but then once they were done, he stopped looking for anything else. I literally cannot bear having to make more lists. It’s just one more thing that I have to do - and if I don’t explain it in great detail then he does it really poorly or half-arsed. But then I feel like a huge nag and it’s mentally exhausting.

I can kind of relate and it's been pissing me off lately.
DH earns crap money I don't earn great money but pay for all the major bills.
I get sick of paying when we go out. I fantasise about someone buying me something (small) and won't be skint.
He is crap at fixing anything and so I just bypass him now and ask someone else.

When I hear the question who is your ideal man forget looks I need a man who knows how to use a drill!

X

Could it be that he is suffering from depression and lack of motivation? After the job knock.

@ReadingSoManyThreads That may be all you expect a relationship to be, but in a successful marriage there is a lot more required than just enjoying each other's company.

If you talk about a marriage as if it's a job or a project, that's probably your first issue right there.

He quit his job.

Hmm not quite the same as watching your own man doing stuff like that

I must admit I find it very attractive, far more than a guy in a suit tbh

You've overlooked the idea that this man is bone lazy.

We both work full time.

I was a single mum of two when we met and had always been handy (no idea why, I never had a dad, and mum

God how pathetic and jarring. Sounds like he's given up tbh. He's sad and has lost confidence due to his job situation, but that is his problem to solve. Really reads as him living as if, 'my life isn't going the way I'd hoped so I'm going to throw my toys out of the pram and live sulking in my toddler tantrum'. You have two teens, you don't need to start over parenting an adult toddler.

If it were me I'd be telling him how I feel, all cards on the table. If he just goes on the defence, make it clear you don't intend to live your life this way anymore, and if that means leaving him then so be it.

Personally I would tell him unless he gets a job you are ditching the cleaner so he has to do all the cleaning and washing up. You can use the money saved to employ a handyman. He sounds useless and lazy so yes that would annoy me too.

It sounds like the only reason you haven’t initiated a divorce is because it would be another thing to add to your list 😀 Seriously, what is the point of him? He is a net negative on your situation and you have become his mother. You will not find him attractive! Bin, regroup and realise how much nicer it is to do all that stuff alone, but for your own benefit and not that of some lazy freeloader. You’re being taken for an absolute mug!

It is not the barbecue that seems the real issue as I bet it is a lot of other things seemingly not done.

Some of us have a chap who looks great in a suit, and hot in a checked shirt and jeans.
He also wears a kilt. Not fake. His tarten!

Well he may do. So does my partner, but I find him more attractive when he is " fixing" stuff. Which he doesn't wear his suit for

It's not the clothes per se but the activity

I didn't. What a weird misinterpretation of my comment!

“A relationship is just two people enjoying each others company”

This is true when you’re 17! Back in the real world there’s a hell of a lot more needed than just liking someone’s company.