My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

"in a successful marriage there is a lot more required" is corporation talk.

Did you forget that you were on an online forum and you slipped into your business/corporation voice?

Exactly - that was my point! I was quoting @shuggles

Oh wise up you silly man - I was not speaking corporate speak.

Why did you rescue the meat? Let him just carry on. You’re making extra work for youself.

@BountifulPantry “A relationship is just two people enjoying each others company”
This is true when you’re 17! Back in the real world there’s a hell of a lot more needed than just liking someone’s company.

Like what? What else would be needed apart from simply liking the other person?

I've never been in a relationship, but I thought it was something completely natural, akin to a friendship, that arises out of two people simply enjoying each other's company.

If it's more than that, and it becomes work, then what's the point?

If a relationship is work, then why would you want one?

Why would it not be better to simply be single instead?

I don't understand the reasoning behind choosing to be in a relationship if it only creates work and provides nothing beyond that.

everywhere in the Uk is not tinder dry at all. It has been raining here for days and in fact feels like Autumn.

Well you can cut back the cleaner if money is becoming an issue. He can do it all as he's such a lazy, tv watching turn off. DIY isn't everyone's skill set. Also why are you carrying the mental load of food planning. He can do that too can't he? Total ick

He sounds very unattractive AND he currently is setting a rather poor example to your teenage children. Would you want this for them? Our for work 12 hours a day while their partner sits on their arse doing pretty much jack all?

A relationship and a family should be a team, all showing each other care and respect, thinking of each other, being kind and grateful and helping one another.

It's so disrespectful of you. Your kids are seeing this relationship dynamic as normal. 😔

Heed this advice,,, don't stick around , imagine how shit retirement will be...

Been raining all day in Lancashire!

There are many kinds of relationships. For a romantic relationship to last and be happy it needs balance. A mother/child relationships..less balance..it part of the whole thing

in a romantic relationship, one person carrying all of the mental, physical and earning load.....no balance.

What is her husband bringng to the table?

As @Persephonia1966 upthread mentioned, a helpless, useless manchild is not sexually attractive to us...we have to mother them...then the ick kicks in

He does not have to do the just/only the manly jobs...but FFS he needs to pull his weight.

Maybe worth thinking about you view of relationships before you ever enter one....

I definitely think that OP's DH isn't pulling his weight. That being said, the thought of some bloke saying "I find my wife is particularly attractive when she's in the kitchen baking a cake" problematic.
People are more than gender stereotypes, surely?

@ConfusedSoShutUp As upthread mentioned, a helpless, useless manchild is not sexually attractive to us...we have to mother them...then the ick kicks in

All people have good and bad points and I think it is cold and heartless to label anyone as a "helpless useless manchild."

I could meet a woman who is a low earner and maybe struggles with domestic chores, but that wouldn't mean she is a bad person or not worthy to be in a relationship. She may be a kind and caring person with a really good heart, and she may be the type of person who brightens other people's days. That could be her good point.

Someone earning a lot of money, or doing chores or DIY, is not the most important thing for a relationship. The most important thing is that someone is good and caring, and is very compassionate and has a lot of empathy for people and animals. If I was ever looking for a relationship, those would be the qualities that I would be looking for without question.

Most of all a relationship- a proper adult long term relationship- needs lots of hard work from both people involved.

It’s not as simple as being “all work” or just liking someone’s company. You sound very inexperienced.

"never been in a relationship", yep, I could tell. You've a lot to learn before ever being in one it seems.

Some of the things needed to be in a successful relationship that is more than just liking each other:
Respect, trust, emotional support, kindness, forgiveness, tolerance, intimacy, love, compromise, just to name a few....

...you keep saying about "work", it isn't necessarily "work", a lot of these things are part of the natural flow of developing a loving relationship which can be really fun and nice. However, yes, there can be times when there is work, such as when disagreements occur, this is when tolerance, respect and compromise can kick in.

You'd be naïve to think that all relationships are simple and easy, yes, some work will be required, but that doesn't mean it's better to simply be single, not unless that's your preference.

There are things beyond the "work", there is the love, understanding, support, trust, intimacy, security of building a future together...all the things that make it worthwhile.

@ReadingSoManyThreads Some of the things needed to be in a successful relationship that is more than just liking each other: Respect, trust, emotional support, kindness, forgiveness, tolerance, intimacy, love, compromise, just to name a few....

Things that come easily and naturally if you care about the other person, surely?

However, yes, there can be times when there is work, such as when disagreements occur, this is when tolerance, respect and compromise can kick in.

Again, tolerance, respect, and compromise should come easily and naturally to anyone older than 16...

None of what you have mentioned sounds like it would be work, if it was a relationship between two people who genuinely cared about each other.

I don’t know if it’s because all the men in my family do some kind of trade, but I’d get the ick if my husband couldn’t do DIY. I can do it, my dad taught me and my sister how to fix things (because he didn’t want us calling him night and day to come do it) but realistically I want my husband to be able to do it… I don’t want to change my oil and I don’t want to drill anything. He sounds like a total melt.

You can feel tolerance and compassion for someone you don't respect though

I think you have a preconceived idea of "women's work" or the world of adults in general being easy. It isn't. Being an adult is hard. You have to worry about bills, paper work, admin that is more complicated than it should be, the grunt work of looking after kids if you have kids, keeping a house clean and stopping it from falling down. You also have to worry about "carrying" people. Whether that be the lazy person at work, the intern who doesn't know what they are doing, the slightly flakey friend and eventually your own parents. And, of course, to a massive degree the children you have (sometimes literally). With a life partner, you don't want to be the person constantly carrying them with no help in return. It should be about being a team in a way parent-child relationships are not.

You can care about someone who infantilises themselves. You can want to take care of them. It's very hard to respect them though. And with that comes the ick because generally well adjusted adults want relationships with other adults.

incompetence is so grossly unattractive.

there are a whole series of activities that everyone should be able to do. Some people have more aptitude for sure, but if you don’t know how to mow the lawn, do laundry, load a dishwasher, cook a meal or put up a shelf you should learn.

it’s basic and shouldn’t beyond any adult.

whether you then decide to split jobs dependent on sex and gendered roles is a matter for each couple but checking out of doing anything is unacceptable and would totally turn me off.

Sounds like a case of Mr Bean. Found it funny as i did a BBQ and kept throwing lighter fuel to light it and made a mess first time. Mine is a cheap £25 however we do BBQ every week and theres a trick i used.
Point being your OH is too lazy to learn (i watched alot on YT) to understand and PIA.
Your doing all the legwork and grinding where as he's abit 'i am not putting effort in'. Its actually FUN to learn new things thats my take

I have been married to two men exactly like your husband. All I can say is it's loads better by yourself. No change in the amount you have to do, because you did it anyway. Removal of the simmering resentment and sheer frustration of carrying another grown up.

Well the lazy cunt should be doing all.house stuff. He's absolutely taking the piss

This.

Your husband is shocking. He's relying on you like he's a child!

Time for a conversation which makes your feelings/expectations crystal clear @applesandoranges11

Mate, come on.
The point of OPs thread isn’t about whether she likes her husband or finds him to be good company - we can assume she does as she married him. It’s about the fact that there are dozens of daily/weekly/monthly tasks that go into the running of a household. These can range from earning money to pay the bills to cooking, cleaning, dropping kids off places etc etc etc etc. If someone is consciously or unconsciously only doing say 20% or 30% of these tasks, they are actively disrespecting their partner as they’re leaving them to pick up the rest ie an unfair amount and ‘work’ is required to redress the balance.

If you're already doing everything and the breadwinner...what benefit to your marriage and well-being is he? You're living a single life, alongside a cocklodger. Set yourself free of this burden.